Sunday Funnies 2013.08.25

Cleaning out the in-box...

MT. VERNON, TEXAS, WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise, claiming it was pure fabrication on the part of the house of ill repute.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods.  He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 shot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to...and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news.  Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.  Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker.  I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole.  "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says.  "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra.  She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."

The children in a kindergarten class were beginning to learn how to match up colors with their associated flavors. The teacher gave them different colored Lifesavers, and the children were supposed to figure out what flavor went with what color.

For example:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

But they got a little confused when the teacher gave them Honey flavored Lifesavers. None of the kids could identify the taste.

Finally, the teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother sometimes calls your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out, and yelled, "Oh my God! They're assholes!"

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, and then it would come crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself about how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and yelled back, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

One of my all-time favorite comic strips was Andy Capp. Here's a few from yesteryear...