Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Snaking Out The Drain

Here's a solution to all the controversy regarding who should use which restroom.

Thai man bloodied but unbowed after intimate attack by snake
A Thai man is recovering from a bloody encounter with a 3-meter (10-foot) python that slithered through the plumbing of his home and latched its jaws onto his penis as he was using a squat toilet.

Attaporn Boonmakchuay was smiling as Thai television stations interviewed him in his hospital bed about the intimate intrusion, and doctors said he would recover. But photos of his blood-splattered bathroom in Chachoengsao province, east of Bangkok, were testimony to his ordeal.

The 38-year-old told Thai TV Channel 7 that he struggled to remove the snake for 30 minutes Wednesday before he managed to free himself with help from his wife and a neighbor. After his wife tied a rope around the snake, Attaporn pried open its jaws before passing out.

Emergency workers dismantled the Asian-style squat toilet, with the python still twined through it. The snake was taken away to be released back into the wild, according to an emergency responder cited by the newspaper Thai Rath.

Doctors said Attaporn, bloodied but unbowed, will recover.

So all we need to do is stick snakes in the ladies restroom toilet. If there are no dangly parts hanging down, the snakes won't have anything to latch on to.

Problem solved!

Gives new meaning to 'snaking out the drain'...

Monday, May 30, 2016

Memorial Day 2016

If you can watch this video without tearing up you have no heart.

I was sobbing like a baby by the end.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Sunday Funnies 2016.05.29

Politics and random comics...

* * * * * * * * * *

Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?
Because all his other wives support Hilary.

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan.

What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?
Hair Force One!

Donald Trump, today, officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he's one step closer to moving into the smallest house he's ever lived in.

* * * * * * * * * *

Q: How many Socialists does Bernie Sanders need to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: What is the difference between a magician and Bernie Sanders?
A: The magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance.

Q. Why do all of Bernie Sanders' campaign rallies have to finish no later than 5:30?
A. Because Matlock comes on at 6:00.

With the nomination of Hillary Clinton becoming increasingly certain, the campaign donations to socialist candidate Bernie Sanders have slowed to a trickle. Bernie has finally come face-to-face with what it means to be a socialist: You eventually run out of other people's money.

* * * * * * * * * *

Why does Hillary prefer dogs to Bill Clinton?
A dog chases his own tail.

If elected, Hillary promised she would do the work of three men.
Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky won’t be voting for Hillary Clinton this election.
She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Hillary Clinton and the Pope are sharing a huge stage at a gathering in New York, where thousands of people have come to see them speak.

The Pope leans in to Hillary and says, “Did you know that with just one wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd ecstatic with joy?  The joy will not be temporary, but instead will go deep into their hearts and be remembered for the rest of their lives.”

Hillary, looking at the Pope with skepticism, says “If you can really do that, then show me.”

The Pope reaches out and backhands Hillary, knocking her off the stage. The crowd roars while the Pope looks down at Hillary and says, “I told you I could do it!”

* * * * * * * * * *

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Weather, Texas Style

It's been a wet and wild spring here in the Lone Star State. Here's the latest weather headlines.

This one hit close to home. Our son returned to the Bryan area Thursday for summer school (Texas A&M) and his part-time job. Fortunately, he's okay.

Bryan hammered by tornado, flooding
The Bryan/College Station area was pounded by heavy rain, high winds and at least one tornado Thursday afternoon.

Dozens of homes were damaged in the Wheeler Ridge subdivision and at least three were destroyed, according to Bryan police.
Speaking of tornadoes:

Tornado Strikes Texas Prison
A tornado struck a state prison in Southeast Texas, damaging the roofs on a pair of watchtowers and an outbuilding but injuring no one.
A prison system spokesman says the tornado struck the Pack Unit in Navasota, about 65 miles northwest of Houston, about 4 p.m. Thursday. The spokesman says all staff members and 1,200 inmates have been accounted for.
We just had rain and hail in our part of the state.

More severe weather, hail possible for South Texas, S.A.
The National Weather Service has kept a flash flood watch in Bexar County and a few others ... severe thunderstorm watches have shifted north and northeast of San Antonio.
Flash Flooding Occurring Throughout Austin, Onion Creek Under Flood Warning
Multiple water rescues are under way throughout Austin as the area has again been hit hard with thunderstorms, this time dumping some six inches in two hours' time in some areas.
At Austin-Bergstrom International Airport, the National Weather Service reported about eight inches had already fallen there close to midnight.
Matters were worse in Southeast Austin, where 10 inches had been reported in a three-hour period. Both Highway 71 and Toll Road 130 were closed by late Thursday as a result of raging waters across the road surface.
The Houston area, about 200 miles from here, also got hammered.

Parts of southeast Texas under water
...strong thunderstorms and heavy rain are redeveloping over the same areas that were flooded on Thursday, and now they're starting to move south, through the Houston area.
In Conroe and throughout Montgomery County, trees are down and water is covering roadways.

Highway 290 was shut down for hours on this morning by cattle that apparently got loose during the floods. While 100 were found and are now on higher ground, around 600 are still missing.  
To make matters worse, the snakes are getting active this time of the year.

Click to embiggen.

Click to embiggen.

Click to embiggen.

If snakes freak you out DO NOT watch this video. And whatever you do, for God's sake don't try this at home!

There's not enough beer in the world to get me to do that...

Friday, May 27, 2016

Wordless Wednesday, Friday Version

Busy ... don't have time to post my usual witty, brilliant, penetrating insights. Instead, you'll have to get by with these.

Men, you'll identify with them.

Ladies, I apologize. I'll post your side in the near future.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Caution - Road Sign Ahead

Following up on yesterday's minirant in favor of small government, here's another installment illustrating to what extent we are subject to its often-hard-to-fathom whims.

Government Reverses Its Course on Highway Fonts
Highway signs will soon get a new look—or an old one, depending on your perspective. According to CityLab, the U.S. Federal Highway Administration (FHWA) recently announced they will change fonts from Clearview—a typeface designed to improve legibility for drivers—to Highway Gothic, a font that was developed in the 1940s and used on road signs until 2004.

... Highway Gothic was problematic for aging drivers with poor eyes, since its letters turned into a bright blur from the reflection of headlights at night. In contrast, Clearview was less tightly spaced, and mixed lowercase and uppercase styles. Designers thought this would help people see sign lettering better in the dark and from long distances.
So far, so good. Who could argue with making road signs easier to read, especially for old farts with failing vision, like yours truly.
Initial studies suggested that Clearview was easier for drivers to read, and in 2004 around 30 states chose the font for their own signs when the FHWA gave them the option to switch.
Ah, but the plot thickens...
Now, according to CityLab, the FHWA says that research shows that Clearview actually makes it harder to read signs ... the reason Clearview might have seemed easier to read was simply because the new font meant that older, worn-down signs were being replaced with fresh ones.
Ten years and who knows how many taxpayer dollars to figure out that new signs are easier to read than old, faded ones.

The FHWA stopped approving Clearview at least two years ago. In the meantime, signs with Clearview lettering won’t be taken down, but as they age they will be replaced with Highway Gothic signs.
Here's the difference.

Click to embiggen.

Only a government agency could spend a decade, along with tons of cash, on something as trivial as this.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Practice And Theory Of Shampooing

In my former life as a college professor, I quickly became adept at computing course hours. Not like the English-101-is-a-three-hour-course calculation, but more focused on the actual clock hours necessary to teach a course. For example, that English 101 course might be worth three hours of credit, but it actually involves somewhere around 48 hours of class time (3 hours per week in class, times 16 weeks per semester), plus many additional hours of study and homework.

A rough rule of thumb was three hours outside of class for every hour in class, meaning that for those three hours credit a student was expected to spend 48 hours in class and another 144 preparing. However, for the purpose of the following discussion we can ignore the out-of-class hours. Bottom line - to get three hours of college credit you generally need to spend 48 hours in class. For convenience's sake, let's round that up to 50.

Remember that number - 50 hours.

Now a slight change of subject:

I have long been a proponent of small government. As Henry David Thoreau said, "That government is best which governs least." This is true when it comes to governing citizens, and equally true when it comes to governing small enterprises. Today, we are stuck with a leviathan that insists on extending its tentacles into the tiniest and most unlikely of places.

For example:

It Takes 300 Hours to Become a Shampooer in Tennessee

Yes, you read that right. In order to engage in an act as simple as shampooing, the state of Tennessee demands that "shampoo technicians" spend approximately 8 weeks learning the intricacies of lather-rinse-repeat.
The Tennessee Board of Cosmetology and Barber Examiners defines a shampoo technician as a “person who brushes, combs, shampoos, rinses and conditions upon the hair and scalp,” and the state began requiring shampoo technicians to attain a license in 1996.

To get a license, aspiring technicians must pay a $140 fee to the state, complete at least 300 hours of education in a course on the “practice and theory” of shampooing, and must be at least 16 years old.
“practice and theory” of shampooing - really?

Remember that "50 hours" figure discussed above? According to the state of Tennessee, it takes the equivalent of six college courses (300/50) to figure out how to wash someone's hair.


But it's not just shampoo technicians, and it's not just Tennessee.
According to a study released by the Obama administration in July, the percentage of the workforce covered by state licensing laws grew from less than 5 percent in the 1950s to 25 percent in 2008.
How did we ever survive the 1950s, when only 5% of the workforce was licensed?

The cherry on top of this regulatory sundae?
... licenses rarely are recognized across state lines, which disproportionately affects military spouses.
There are two primary reasons for the creep of licensing requirements: special interest groups, and power-hungry government regulators. The special interest groups - often entrenched businesses - use their influence to convince legislators to pass anti-competitive legislation. Meanwhile, government functionaries follow a basic imperative: expand, or die.
“Once you get a board in place to do something that might have commonsense value, that board has an incentive to keep broadening their power and expanding things under their control...”
Sad to say, I don't see the situation improving anytime soon. In fact, I fully expect it to get worse, no matter who gets elected in November. It's the nature of the beast.

I love my country, but I fear its government.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Self Identity

This post is a little on the long side, and tends to meander a bit before it gets to the point. But please bear with me - I think (hope)you'll enjoy it. It eventually raises some interesting questions. So pour yourself a drink of your choice, settle back, and enjoy.

I've been an Allen West fan ever since he first appeared on the political horizon. I was thrilled when he was first elected to congress, and disappointed when he didn't get re-elected. Since then I've followed him as he spoke out on various issues, finding myself nodding in agreement much more often than not.

A few days ago he was elected to the NRA's Board of Directors. At about the same time, this image highlighting the difference between the Huffington Post's Editorial Board and the NRA Board of Directors appeared.

One organization preaches the virtues of 'diversity,' yet is composed of all white women. The other is vilified by the media, yet is more of a cross-section of America.

Can you say "Do as I say, not as I do?"

Speaking of diversity, we have this individual, who certainly is a favorite for the gold medal in the Diversity Olympics.
If there’s a high bar for which social justice warriors strive, surely it was set by Britain’s first transgender gay Muslim woman.

Amid the ongoing bathroom wars in America, conservative blogger Brandon Morse took to social media to call attention to Lucy Vallender...

Vallender, formerly known as Laurens before “he” became true to “herself,” is a former British soldier who had a sex operation in 2010 to switch out his male parts for female parts. Vallender would later convert to Islam, saying it’s a “peaceful” religion and take things even further by marrying a Muslim man the ex-soldier met on an online dating site.
Okay, if you look closely at the above image, in the upper left hand corner you'll see the date it was first posted - Sep. 4, 2013. But the fact that the story is three years old doesn't make it any more stupid. Converting to islam because it's 'the religion of peace' makes about as much sense as going to an orgy because you're in favor of chastity.

As for the rest of the story, well, maybe there's been so much of this self-identification nonsense in the news lately that I've just become numb. And here's where we come to the main point of this post.
This article is not satire. It offers a series of philosophical discussion points that I'm sure many people share these days...

So here's the logical question in pursuing the "self identity" trend that progressive society is now exploring. Today's society has arrived at a place where it largely accepts the idea that people can choose their gender. A person can be born as a male, but decide to identify as a female... Can a person choose their race, too?

Put another way, society currently accepts the idea of a person choosing to be transgender. So is it then okay for someone to be trans-race? And if that's accepted, then what about trans-species? Carried to its logical extreme, can a white male human being declare to the world that he's actually a female Peruvian llama?

What if John Doe, for example, wants to self-identify as a "Spotted Owl"?

Or maybe Jane Doe wants to identify as a member of the Delphinus delphis species... the common dolphin. Maybe she can even learn to speak dolphin and order in dolphin at the McDonald's drive-through.

There are, indeed, people who have come to believe they are certain animals. Dennis Avner, for example, believes he is a great cat, and he has undergone extreme biological modifications in an attempt to adopt the shape and structure of a great cat. The following photo is not Photoshopped:

I hope you see the point in this serious discussion. If people can choose to decide to be something which they are not from a physical or biological perspective, then is there any real meaning to concepts like male, female, Caucasian, African or even human?

Even more interestingly, could humans add themselves to endangered species lists by simply announcing they are an endangered species? "I'm Otto the Spotted Owl." The implications for the EPA and the U.S. government would be quite fascinating. For example, to my knowledge, I don't think the IRS can levy taxes on Spotted Owls. So if a person announces they are a Spotted Owl, are they now a "sovereign animal" that's protected by the government in their "habitat" apartment?

Without question, a court judge would denounce a person trying to claim they are a spotted owl. But let's follow the logic here. That judge would say, "You are obviously not a spotted owl. You weren't born a spotted owl and if we run a genetic test on your cells, they would not be consistent with a spotted owl."

Let's take that same test and run it against Rachel Dolezal. Following that test, a court judge would say much the same thing: "You are obviously not black. You weren't born black and if we run a genetic test on your cells, they would not be consistent with an African-American."

Tracking this same logic back to Bruce Jenner, a court judge would also be forced to conclude much the same: "You weren't born female and if we run a genetic test on your cells, they would not be consistent with a female."

From a genetics point of view, then, Bruce Jenner is a male, Rachel Dolezal is white, and John Doe is not a spotted owl. But that's not how progressive society recognizes them, at least not with Jenner. They are recognized according to how they WISH to be identified.

Restated, the question that emerges from all this is as follows:

Should society treat people as they physically are, or as they psychologically WISH to be? In other words, where does freedom to choose collide with the absurd?
I don't know about you, but I think we've already passed that point of absurdity...
In other words, reality now has no meaning because what we're being taught is that there is no objective reality when it comes to people, gender, races and beings. You can decide to be a unicorn, if you want, and who can argue with that? Just don't forget to wear your giant horn. And yes, it's a rainbow-colored strap-on.

This discussion brings up all sorts of important practical questions for society. If people can self-identify their own gender and race, then it becomes immediately obvious that all white people can apply for college scholarships by self-identifying as African-Americans, for example. I'm not condoning this -- the very idea is ludicrous -- yet it's where we now find ourselves in a society that believes everybody can "choose" to be whatever they want to be, despite what they really are.
That's it in a nutshell - "reality now has no meaning."

All this philosophizing has made me thirsty. I think I'll self-identify with several Shiners...

Monday, May 23, 2016

Final Thoughts

Want to leave more money to your heirs? Want to help save the planet? If the answer to one or both of those questions is "Yes" here's an idea for you.

Save Money On A Funeral With A Rental Casket
A rental casket is a good cost-saving option if you want to have a traditional casket at a viewing or funeral but don't want to purchase a casket.

A rental casket is a casket that has a removable interior. The body is placed in a simple wooden box and the box is placed inside the casket, giving the appearance that the body is actually in the casket. In fact, the body never touches the casket, and the wooden box is easily removed after the service. The body can then be buried or cremated in the simple wooden box, and the funeral home can re-use the rental casket.

Purchasing a casket can be a major expense, and many people either don't have the means to pay for a casket or would prefer not to spend such a large sum of money. Using a rental casket can also be seen as an environmentally friendly option, as the rental casket is re-used many times, as opposed to a traditional casket, which is used only once.
Of course, if you're one of those people who don't care what happens after you're gone then you can go ahead and blow a bundle of cash on a fancy casket. But this idea makes a lot of sense to me.

However, if you decide that the rent-a-casket route isn't for you, here's some alternatives.

You might be interested in a used casket.

If you're a 'classic car' fan you might enjoy this model.

There's even a pin-up calendar put out by a casket company.

Finally, always leave 'em laughing...

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Sunday Funnies 2016.05.22

I apologize for the scatological source of these jokes, but when I ran across this website I found the jokes compelling funny. I hope you do as well.

Many more at the source...

* * *

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

* * *

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
Should have put it on aloha setting.

* * *

A man on a tractor just drove past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”
I think it was Farmer Geddon.

* * *

I'm organizing a charity event for people that struggle to reach orgasm.
Let me know if you can’t come.

* * *
Why did the blind lady fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.

* * *

Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.

* * *

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.

* * *

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
But my wife insists it says dyslexia.

* * *