Sunday Funnies 2016.07.10

Wedded bliss...

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you.”

“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.

“It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out.

When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”

“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.

He replies, “Two weeks.”

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote on my Facebook account “I’m getting a divorce,” she was the first one to click "Like".

When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry."

"That’s a great philosophy," I noted.

"Yes. And the longest we’ve been awake so far is five days."

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband’s deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."

"Shh, not now," she replies.

"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.

"Yes, I know," she replies.

"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "

"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."

As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. "What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut the grass dressed like this?" I asked.

Giving me a casual glance, she replied, "They’d say I married you for your money."