Sunday, July 17, 2016

Sunday Funnies 2016.08.17

The choices for our next president are:
(A) disappointing;
(B) discouraging;
(C) depressing;
(D) all of the above.

 * * * * *

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

 The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

 "No! No! Don't remove your clothes...........just stick out your tongue!"

 * * * * *

A woman goes to a psychiatrist because she's worried about her husband’s temper.  
The doctor asks: “What’s the problem? 
The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me.”      

The doctor says: “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish and swish, but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”      

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says, “Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”      

The doctor says: “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

 * * * * *

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured. To prove her wrong, I bought tickets to an event of taste and refinement.

It starts with “b” and rhymes with “wallet.”

 * * * * *

Old people like to give good advice as consolation for the fact that they can no longer set bad examples.

 * * * * *

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 * * * * *

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Leslie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.


Old NFO said...

Good ones, and agreed on the America survives! :-)

kerrcarto said...

Love it!

CenTexTim said...

NFO - sad but true...

kerrcarto - thanks, stranger!