First Day Of School

Yesterday was the first day of school for the local school district. This is what our street looked like that morning.

Yesterday was also the first day of classes at the university where I used to teach. For the first time in almost two decades I wasn't standing in front of a bunch of blank-faced, texting, yawning dolts, answering the same old questions about material I had just discussed. Do I miss it?

Not one damn bit...

Here's a couple of stories that illustrate what the first day of class is like.

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and taught them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice.
Blessed are…

Then Peter said, “Should we write this down?”
And Mathew said, “Do we have to know this?”
And Mark said, “Will this be on the final exam?”
And Luke said, “What was that thing about the meek?”
And John said, “The other disciples didn’t have to learn this.”
And Judas said, “What does this have to do with the real life?”

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus’ lesson plans and inquired of Jesus his learning objectives for the course. 

… and Jesus wept.

(PROFESSOR strides briskly into the room at the exact moment CLASS is scheduled to begin. The look of restrained excitement on his face is counteracted by the emotionally detached and mildly hungover stares of STUDENTS.)

Professor: Statement greeting the class. Poor attempt at joke about the weather/the college/most students probably not wanting to be here.

(STUDENTS WHO WANT TO DO WELL laugh. STUDENTS WHO DON’T GIVE A SHIT remain silent.)

Professor: Horribly strained and inaccurate justification as to why this course is worthwhile and will prove useful in the real world.

(PROFESSOR begins passing out syllabi. STUDENTS’ eyes light up as they see “INTRODUCTION TO COURSE” under class description for first day, as they know it is code for “NOTHING.” Many commence napping at this time.)

Professor: Announcement that he will begin reading the syllabus. Statement that students should feel free to ask questions at any point.

(STUDENTS WHO ARE STILL AWAKE snicker in disbelief.)

Professor: Statement read directly from the syllabus. Statement expressing exactly what is written on the syllabus but in slightly different words so as to prove that hearing him read the syllabus exposes students to information that they would not know if they just read the syllabus themselves.

(PROFESSOR repeats this approximately 2-3 times until he has completed reading the syllabus. He looks up at the CLOCK and discovers that he has completed the day’s lesson plan in 12 MINUTES.)

Professor: Desperate, pleading inquiry into whether or not there are any questions.

(STUDENT raises his hand after a brief pause. He will soon evolve into STUDENT WHO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CLASS HATES.)

Student: Simple and inane question that could be directly answered by reading the syllabus.

Professor: Overly enthusiastic, lengthy, and detailed response containing at least four mentions of the phrase “You probably don’t need to know this, but” and quickly devolving into an awkward story about his personal life. Inquiry into whether or not there are any more questions.

(STUDENTS all glare at STUDENT WHO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CLASS HATES to make sure he does not raise his hand again. PROFESSOR waits an unnecessarily long amount of time before finally conceding that there are no more questions.)

Professor: Reluctant statement telling students they can leave early this time.

(STUDENTS WHO ARE STILL AWAKE subtly wake up STUDENTS WHO FELL ASLEEP. Both groups walk briskly to the door so they can begin/resume napping before PROFESSOR tries to tell them something else. He will never see many of them again.)

Professor: Calls out reminder of when his office hours are to exiting students.

Student: Inquiry into what office hours are.

Professor: Resigned sigh upon the realization that this year will be no different from years past.

(Source)