Sunday Funnies 03.24.2013

The NCAA basketball tournament started this weekend, so guess what today's jokes are about...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.

I play in an over-60 basketball league. We don't have jump balls. The ref just puts the ball on the floor and whoever can bend over and pick it up gets possession.

Hanging in the hallway of my high school are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year -- "62-63," "63-64," "64-65," etc.

One day I noticed a blond looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, she said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

Friday Follies Happy Hour 2013.03.22

After this morning's post about the Post Office (hah!) what else could I do for Happy Hour but play the King performing "Return to Sender."

One More 'Our Tax Dollars At Work'

Yesterday we got a "Return to Sender" letter in the mail. It was a Christmas card we sent out last December, postmarked Dec. 19, 2012. Yes, it took the Post Office three months to figure out that the recipient had moved and to send the card back.

Lee Dreyfus, former university president and governor of Wisconsin, once said that the federal government's role should be limited to  "defending our shores, delivering our mail and staying the hell out of our lives."

After observing how the Post Office is run -- especially in contrast to FedEx and UPS -- I'd like to amend that to "defending our shores and staying the hell out of our lives."

Spam Of The Day

Like most bloggers, I wage a never-ending war against spam. So far I've avoided using the Captcha challenge-response test, but that day may be coming. In the interim, I periodically review and manually delete comments in the spam folder. It's not really that much trouble, and occasionally I get a chuckle out of it.

Take today, for instance. I found the following in the spam folder.

A men's sex toys will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson".

Who writes this stuff?

More Our Tax Dollars At Work

In a follow-up to yesterday's post about our tax dollars being poured down a rat-hole to study lesbian drinking habits, we now have this study that is even more absurd.

$384,949 Federal Study Looks at ‘Plasticity in Duck Penis Length’

The National Science Foundation (NSF) has awarded a $384,949 grant to Yale University for a study on “Sexual Conflict, Social Behavior and the Evolution of Waterfowl Genitalia”, according to the recovery.gov website.

The grant description says,“The project examines how reproductive morphology covaries with season, age, and social environment in a diverse sample of duck species that differ in ecology, territoriality and breeding system.”

In other words, the project examines duck dicks.

The grant was made available through the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, better known as the stimulus package.

Of course it was. After all, the stimulus package was intended for 'shovel-ready' projects that would create jobs and repair our crumbling infrastructure. Paying a gaggle of eggheads to study the penis length of ducks is certainly one way of doing that.

“In the last quarter, we have prepared a manuscript for submission on the results of the first two years of experiments on social phenotypic plasticity in duck penis length in Lesser Scaup and Ruddy Duck. Experiments continued on genital social phenotypic plasticity in Mandarin Duck and Laysan Teal,” a 2010 fourth quarter recovery.gov update on the study says.

Huh?

Many duck penises are cork-screw shaped and some scientists believe this is because of a form of evolution known as “sexual conflict”.

If my penis was cork-screw shaped there would undoubtedly be some "sexual conflict" between my wife and I.

"The NSF strives to be good stewards of taxpayers dollars," (NSF spokeswoman Deborah Wing) says, "Basic research often is combined with other research efforts and turns into bigger things."

"...turns into bigger things." Is Ms. Wing making a double entendre? And did you catch the delicious irony of her name - "Wing"?

The NSF grant abstract states, “Broader impacts of the research will be international, national, local, and personal."

I guess studying duck penis lengths might be personal to the individual ducks, but I'm not sure how it will be personal to a human.

Among those having a personal experience with the study are young minorities. “The project will incorporate high school students from under-represented minorities through the Yale University EVOLUTIONISTS program,” the NSF grant page says.

Ah, now I see. It's for the children. And not just any children, but minority children. How could anyone have a problem with that, unless they're racist.

I withdraw my objection.

Now pardon me while I go bang my head against the wall...

(H/T to iOTW for the link and the image below.)

A researcher measures the length of Donald's appendage.

Our Tax Dollars At Work

Someone at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) evidently has a thing for lesbians. I say that based on the nature of some recent grants awarded for lesbian-related studies.

Feds Spend $1.5 million to Study Obese Lesbians

The National Institutes of Health awarded a Boston hospital more than $1.5 million to figure out why nearly three-quarters of lesbians are overweight — calling the disparities a significant public health issue.

Seems to me that's a "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?" question. Did they become lesbians because they were overweight and couldn't get a man, or did they become lesbians and then turn to food for comfort because they couldn't get a man?

Okay, okay ... cheap, sexist shots. I apologize.

“It is now well-established that women of minority sexual orientation are disproportionately affected by the obesity epidemic, with nearly three-quarters of adult lesbians overweight or obese, compared to half of heterosexual women,” according to a description of the grant.

Oops. I made another politically incorrect statement. It appears the preferred form of address is "minority sexual orientation," not "lesbians." I apologize again for my insensitivity.

BTW, that $1.5M is just the beginning. Uncle Sugar doled out another $2.7M for another lesbian-focused study.

Why Do Lesbians Have Higher 'Risk for Hazardous Drinking'?

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) has awarded $2.7 million to study why lesbians are at a higher “risk for hazardous drinking.”

I know, I know!!! Because they can't get a man!

Sorry...

The researchers theorize that lesbians report higher rates of traumatic events, making them more likely to engage in hazardous drinking, which has been defined by NIH’s National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism as “more than 7 drinks per week or more than 3 drinks per occasion for women.”

OMG!!! I'm a lesbian!

Furthermore, the problem may be worse for “lesbians of color,” the researchers say.

Shouldn't that be "minority sexual orientation person of color?"

The University of Illinois is not alone in receiving federal funds to study “sexual minorities” and their propensity to drink. The University of Washington has been awarded $1,154,445 since 2010 for its project “High Risk Drinking in Emerging Adult at-Risk Women,” which seeks to find out why young lesbians and bisexuals face an “elevated” chance for hazardous drinking.

Old Dominion University in 2012 received $446,056 for its study titled “Minority Stress, Alcohol Use, and Intimate Partner Violence Among Lesbians.”

If my math is correct that's a total of $5.8 million of our hard-earned tax dollars wasted over the past three years to find out why lesbians drink too much and are overweight. Here's a semi-serious observation. Perhaps they're overweight because they drink too much, eat too much, and don't get enough exercise.

Just like the rest of us...

How Low Can He Go?

Harry Reid is one of the most vile, despicable human beings lower life forms that I have ever had the misfortune of encountering.

Harry Reid Implies Sequester Caused Explosion That Killed 7 Marines In Nevada

On the Senate floor this morning, Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) implied the explosion that killed seven Marines at an munitions depot in Hawthorne, Nevada was due to the "cutting back in training and maintenance" in the sequester.

Taking advantage of a tragedy for political gain while the bodies of seven Marines are still warm. I hope there is a special place in Hell reserved for this asshole.

Fortunately, as one would expect, the Marines are fighting back.

Marine Corps Rips Reid: "Pure Political Posturing On The Backs Of Those Dead Marines"

NBC's Jim Miklaszewski reports: Now I can tell you, Marine Corps officials this afternoon are taking a strong exception to what Harry Reid implied. Saying that this exercise, for example, was planned well in advance, had nothing to do with the budget cuts. There were no corners cut, and if they couldn't afford to have all the safety precautions into place, they wouldn't do the exercise.

And in fact, one Marine Corps official told us a short time ago that he considers this nothing but pure political posturing on the backs of these dead Marines.

Sound familiar? It should. That's the same tactic the left used in the aftermath of the tragic Newtown schooll shootings.

Those people have no shame.

Free Fire Zone

First, let me say I acknowledge that law enforcement officials have an unenviable job. They deal with the worst examples of humanity on a daily basis - criminals and politicians. So while I sympathize with their plight, at times they are their own worst enemy. Case in point:

During the manhunt last month for California cop killer Christopher Dorner the Los Angeles police mistakenly shot up a pickup driven by two Hispanic women delivering newspapers. Fortunately for the women, the LA cops are lousy shots.

Regardless, the women's truck was totaled, being riddled by somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 rounds (100 rounds?!? And the women basically walked away with only slight wounds? Way to shoot, Barney Fife.) Anyway...

In a magnanimous gesture that I'm sure has absolutely nothing to do with trying to repair a shattered public image, the LAPD promised the women a new truck to replace the bullet-riddled old one.

There was, however, one slight catch...

Women Accidentally Shot by LAPD Won’t Get New Truck, Despite Promises

After their truck was plugged with more than 100 bullets, two women accidentally shot by the LAPD in the manhunt for Christopher Dorner are not getting the replacement vehicle they were promised over a month ago.

NBC 4 in LA reports that 71-year-old Emma Hernandez and her daughter, who had been delivering newspapers when eight police officers opened fire on them out of the blue, no longer want the new truck after being told they'd need to pose for a photo op and pay income tax on it.

Yep, the LAPD tries to gun down two these two women (when they were searching for one man...). However, the only thing that gets killed is the truck. Seems like the fair and reasonable thing to do would be to replace the truck at no expense to the ladies, right?

Ah well, that's not how government works.

An LAPD spokesperson, Commander Andrew Smith, told NBC 4 that it is "sad" but the department "just can't get past the 1099 issue," referencing the tax form one must fill out to claim income separate from wages. "The government has to take their bite out of it, I guess," Smith added.

Perhaps Smith is forgetting that the government wouldn't have had to take any bites if his organization, itself a government agency, hadn't shot at two innocent people 102 times.

So now the two women are out a truck. I don't know who paid the hospital bills - hopefully it was the city of LA. But because one government agency can't figure out a way around the rules of another government agency, two people are out of work and this whole mess is destined to become one gigantic lawsuit. Even if the city prevails the legal expenses will be much higher than the cost of a truck.

Not to mention that whole silly outmoded concept of doing the right thing...

UPDATE

The city has agreed to give $40,000 to two women whose pickup was shot up by a Police Department protection detail that mistook their newspaper delivery vehicle for the truck driven by rogue ex-cop Christopher Dorner during his rampage, officials announced Thursday.

The tax-free settlement covering the pickup and other property came quickly after the women's attorney, Glen Jonas, rejected Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck's offer of a replacement truck because the women would have had to pay taxes.

City Attorney Carmen Trutanich said the truck compensation was one of the fastest resolutions of a case he can remember in his term.

My, that was quick...

Side note: this should put to rest the notion that high capacity magazines result in higher body counts. 100+ rounds,fired by trained 'professionals.' and no fatalities...

What Happened To Spring?

Just returned to South Texas after Spring Break. It's 98 friggin' degrees down here. San Antonio hit a record high of 94 today. And it's only the middle of March.

Summer's gonna be Hell...

FOD 2013.03.18

It's started.

Sweet angel of death, take me now...

Almost Forgot

I almost forgot the obligatory St. Patrick's Day Post. Must have been all that green beer...

Sunday Funnies 2013.03.17

I'm retiring in two months. Here's some of the things going through my mind.

One of the things I'm worried about is outliving our money.

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

My wife has two concerns. One is the same as mine - running out of money. The other is what to do with me when I'm underfoot full time.

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

Professionally speaking, I have a few thoughts about retiring.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. - Scott Elledge

Old professors never die. They just grade away.

I used to teach. Now I have no class.

Here's the last word.

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

What I Did On My Spring Break

Whew! I finally got a minute to sit down and catch my breath. I thought Spring Break was a time to kick back and relax, but I've been busy ... busy busy busy.

My wife and I have a deal. For every 8 hours of honey-do's I get one round of golf. So far she owes me three rounds (plus one round I managed to squeeze in already this week). That works out to 32 hours of chores. That may not sound like a lot. But combine that everything else going on around here and it's a wonder I got that one round in.

First was the university-related work I had to do (hey, students get a week off - not faculty). I'm on a committee that evaluates research proposals and decides which ones get funded. We had 20 proposals this year. Each one take 2-3 hours to assess, so that's 40-60 hours right there. Plus I had to calculate and post mid-term grades, plus finalize a research paper, plus prepare my lectures for the rest of the semester. Bottom line - just the academic stuff was more than a full week's worth of work.

Next, our daughter is taking her college visit trips. She's a high school junior, so now's the time for her to decide where she wants to go. Our son was easy - Texas A&M all the way. The girl, however, is treating this like shopping for shoes. She has to try every place on to see how it fits. Early in the week was Vanderbilt (that's in Nashville TN for you SEC-challenged folks). That was followed by visits to Rice (Houston) and Texas A&M. A trip to the University of Texas is also in the planning stages.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad she's being thorough. And I'm very pleased and proud that she qualifies for schools the quality of Vanderbilt and Rice (and others that she's already rejected). But it is time-consuming.

The next two time-sinks will result in major changes for me and my family. First and foremost, my wife and I have spent many, many hours this week working with a financial planner, crunching numbers, preparing balance sheets, income statements, and cash-flow projections. No matter how many different ways we look at it, the result is the same. Unless things just totally go to hell, I'm going to retire this May - 2 1/2 short months from now!

We have no debt. Our house is paid for, and the little weekend place we have on a lake near here is paid for. Our needs are modest, and we have a reasonable amount of money stashed away in various savings accounts, 401(k) plans, IRAs, etc. We've set aside funds for the kids' college education (worst case, we can move in with one of them after they graduate).

And just in case things really do go to hell, I've got an adequate supply of ammunition and liquor. Plus the situation at the university where I work has drastically gone downhill. Demands and expectations are up, salaries are flat, and morale is down. The administration's attitude towards the faculty can charitably be described as that of a master towards indentured servants. It's not enjoyable anymore -- in fact, it's a downright pain -- and we don't need the money. So I'm headed for a life of leisure.

The other thing that's taken up our time this week is planning for our once-in-a-lifetime trip. With the kids headed off to college in the next couple of years, we figured this summer is our last chance to take an extended family vacation that we'll all remember for the rest of our lives. We've been saving for this trip for the last ten years without knowing where we were going. After extended family pow-wows, we've decided. We'll be spending a month this summer in Australia and New Zealand. But booking flights and making reservations has taken a lot of research and back-and-forth with folks Down Under.

Everyone basically got to pick one week's worth of activities. Our daughter has a soft spot for animals, so we'll be spending time at nature preserves where you can watch kangaroos and interact with baby koalas. Our son is more adventurous, so his wish list includes scuba diving, skiing, and climbing the Sydney Harbor Bridge. My wife, bless her heart, wants to spend some time in South Australia touring the wine regions down there. My choice - a truly once in a lifetime opportunity to go red stag hunting in New Zealand.

So as you can see, it's been a truly busy week. But it's been worth it. The 'daily double' of retiring and taking that trip has gotten me more excited than I've been in a long, long time. I'm a little anxious about giving up a good-paying job (even though it is a pain in the ass) during these uncertain times, but we're not getting any younger. We've been prudent and responsible for most of our adult lives, so we figured let's enjoy things while we can.

After all, obama will make sure we're taken care of in our old age - right...?

Friday Follies Happy Hour 2013.03.15

Spring Break is winding down and I'm looking forward to going back to work so I can get some rest.

Stacked
Get More: It's a Shore Thing, Luke Bryan, Luke Bryan Videos

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

I'm supposed to be on Spring Break, but I've been seriously busy this week.

How busy, you ask?

I’m busier than mustard trying to ketchup.
I’m busier than a one-armed man hanging wall paper.
I’m busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.
I’m busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
I’m busier than a one-armed monkey with two peckers.
I’m busier than a one-legged grass hopper in a jumping contest.
I’m busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes.
I’m busier than a centipede at a toe counting contest.
I’m busier than a mosquito at a nudist colony.
I’m busier than a cobra at a mongoose convention.

But I'm not too busy to pass on a few words of wisdom to you.

The Universal Obama Solution

Whatever the problem is, Obama’s solution is to take things away from the American people.

Budget cutbacks? Take away whatever hurts the American people most.

Take away their guns, their Bill of Rights, their car, their coal, make them turn the thermostat down and tell them what and how much they are allowed to eat.

Reagan’s core philosophy was growth and freedom. Obama’s core philosophy is to take control away from the peasants, and put himself control of everything

When he said “bitter people who cling to guns and religion” it was pretty obvious where he was coming from. The only reason to cling to anything is because someone is trying to take it away from you. That person is Barack Obama.

 There's a lot of truth in those few lines...

One Person's Dream Ticket Is Another Person's Nightmare

I apologize for today's delayed post, but I saw this headline early in the morning and immediately started guzzling Shiners as fast as humanly possible. (Side note: tomorrow's post may also be late, for reasons I'll get into later.)

2016 Hillary-Michelle 'Dream Ticket' floated

The story did have one statement that made a lot of sense.

"Both women are proven effective leaders who've raised children, so dealing with Congress would be a snap!"

If you can handle a screaming two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his own way, you should be able to deal with the 535 idiots that sit under the Capitol dome.

Every Once In A While They Get Things Right

I am not a big fan of the mainstream media. If fact, not to put too fine a point on it, I think they suck.

But every once in a while, despite themselves, they come up with a true gem. The following story is one such example.

I dare you to read it without tearing up.

Five days before Christmas 1943, a helpless American bomber pilot locked eyes with a German fighter pilot over the frozen skies of Europe. The German pilot spared the life of the American, and both men would reunite and become friends 50 years later.

Full story here.

Daylight Savings Nonsense

Well, I'm partway through the annual foolishness known as Daylight Savings Time. In my humble but all-knowing opinion, DST is a waste of time, effort, and energy. Others may disagree, but what do they know?

(Seriously, go here for a nicely balanced discussion of the pros and cons of DST.)

Regardless, the two images below do an excellent job of illustrating how I feel about it.

This Is Why We're In The Mess We're In

As you watch this short video (it's only 3 minutes long), keep in mind that people like these elected barack hussein obama President of the United States.

They vote ... and breed...


If I were Jimmy Kimmel I'd start checking the sky for drones.

(H/T to PowerLine for the heads-up on the video.)

FOD 2013.03.11

This should be an interesting week. Paul Ryan is preparing the House's annual federal budget. The democrat-controlled Senate has committed itself to producing their version of the budget this week (as required by law, but which they have neglected to do for the past four years). At the same time, obama has announced his intention to delay producing his budget -- again, required by law, and again, ignored with regularity and impunity -- from February until April (April Fool's joke, anyone?).

All these budgets popping up, and no one taking the lead in reconciling them. Isn't that what a president is supposed to do - lead?

Obama Is AWOL on the Budget - Again

Civil War officers used to say that you can’t lead from the rear. Thousands of them gave their lives, leading their men the only way they knew how. No one asks Barack Obama to give up more than an occasional game of golf, but he still can’t bring himself to lead. In one of his administration’s many low moments, a White House aide explained Obama’s style as “leading from behind,” as though he were proud of it.

The budget is a typical case in point. After four long years, Senate Democrats have finally been shamed into obeying the law and producing a budget ... The Republican House, meanwhile, will produce a budget as it does every year ... If the “regular order” is followed, it is possible–unlikely, but possible–that the House and Senate budgets can be reconciled through compromise in a conference committee, and the federal government might actually have a budget for the first time in years.

So where is Barack Obama in this process? Nowhere, apparently. By law, he was required to produce his budget in February. He missed that deadline; no surprise there, as Obama’s regard for laws of all kinds is slight. The White House said Obama’s budget would be produced in March, but now the date has been pushed back to April. One might think that, with Congressional Democrats finally getting into the budget game after four years, Obama would want to play a role. You might even think he would want to lead. But no: it appears that he has not coordinated even with the members of his own party on the Hill, and his budget, when it finally sees the light of day, will be an irrelevant afterthought.*

I once knew a judge who was pathologically incapable of making a decision. I felt sorry for him, but I always wondered: why on Earth would a man who would rather do almost anything than make a decision want to be a judge? Obama is a similar case. Why would someone who has no idea how to lead, who evidently has no desire to lead, want to be President of the United States?

* FYI - obama's previous budgets were unanimously rejected. Not even members of his own party voted for them.

A budget resolution based on President Obama’s 2013 budget failed to get any votes in the Senate on Wednesday.

In a 99-0 vote, all of the senators present rejected the president’s blueprint.

It’s the second year in a row the Senate has voted down Obama’s budget.

Obama's 2012 budget failed 97 to 0 last May...

Sigh...

Sunday Funnies 2013.03.10

It's Spring Break time! More on that later this week, but in the meantime...

Spring break—that’s when students take time off from football games, basketball games, dances, parties, and hanging out in bars, and go to Florida and relax.

Normal students go to exotic tropical locations for drink and debauchery. Other folks, however, celecrate Spring break differently. For Example:

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

10. Drink molasses 'til you heave

9. Wet-bonnet contest

8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy

7. Buttermilk kegger

6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale

5. Get tattoo: "Born to Raise Barns"

4. Cruise streets in Ft. Lauderdale shouting insults at people with zippers

3. Sleep in until six A.M.

2. Drive over to Mennonite country and kick some butt

1. Churn butter naked

Here's what male students expect during Spring Break.

Here's what they actually get.

Here's the facultys' perception of students on Spring Break.

Here's the students' perception of faculty members on Spring Break.

Here's what everyone hopes for but never gets.

Regardless, I'm gonna have a good time...

Another Public School Overreacting To Guns

As most of us are aware, there's been a spate of over-reactions by the clueless dolts running our public schools when it comes to little kids and the matter of guns (examples here, here, here, here, and here).

Here's the latest instance of a school administration blindly acting without thinking when the topic of guns comes up.

(H/T to I think, therefore I am Libertarian for the image.)

Friday Follies Happy Hour 2013.03.08

Earlier this week -- March 6, to be exact -- was the 177th anniversary of the fall of the Alamo. It came at the end of a 13 day siege of the converted chapel and its badly outnumbered defenders. It took three attacks that fateful day, but Santa Anna's army eventually prevailed.

The enemy's victory was complete, yet his force was as sixteen to one, and his loss in slain nearly three times the entire number of the defenders. From the known character of Santa Anna, he doubtless rejoiced. Believing the war at an end, and Texas at his feet, he so announced it in his dispatches to his subordinates at home. And the authorities and people there believed it, and so congratulated him.

Those congratulations would prove to be premature. About six weeks later Santa Anna got his butt well and truly kicked by Sam Houston at the battle of San Jacinto - the decisive battle of the Texas Revolution that established the Republic of Texas.

One of my all-time favorite entertainers is Marty Robbins. One of my all-time favorite Marty Robbins songs is the Ballad of the Alamo. The guy could flat out write, sing, and pick. Just listen to the flamenco-style guitar work.

Celebrating International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day. In recognition thereof, I offer the following.

Thank goodness my wife doesn't read this blog.

No Way To Fight A War

I have mixed emotions about this article.

Coalition to Stop Reporting Attack Data

The U.S.-led military command in Afghanistan said it would no longer count and publish the number of Taliban attacks, an accounting it once touted as the measure of U.S. and allied success.

The move comes one week after the International Security Assistance Force said it had incorrectly reported a 7% fall in Taliban attacks in 2012 compared with 2011. In fact, there was no decline, ISAF officials said, attributing the mistake to a clerical error.

An ISAF spokesman said Tuesday that the coalition had lost confidence in reporting of enemy-initiated attacks mainly because more combat operations were being performed by Afghan forces, out of view of coalition troops. Most attacks occur in less-populated areas, meaning "this single facet of the campaign is not particularly accurate in describing the complete effect of the insurgency's violence on the people of Afghanistan," he said.

Anthony Cordesman, an analyst at the Center for Strategic and International Studies, said it had been clear for months that ISAF's figures were flawed.

"The truth is they should not have published them in the first place," he said. "A great many people realized from the start that it was a meaningless measurement" because it implies that in order to succeed the Taliban has to keep attacking rather than gaining ground by influencing ordinary Afghans...

(more detail here)

First of all, the "incorrectly reported" decline in Taliban attacks was attributed to a "clerical error."

That one doesn't pass the smell test.

But what is more disturbing to me is the (to be charitable) 'confusion' over the metric used to measure progress in the war on terrorism in Afghanistan. It's awfully reminiscent of the measure used in 'Nam - the body count.

I am definitely not saying that U.S. forces in Vietnam deliberately targeted civilians. But I will suggest that, in the aftermath of artillery barrages and air strikes, any 'collateral damage' (i.e., dead body) was by definition a VC. And any damaged bicycle or dead water buffalo was a 'destroyed enemy transportation vehicle.'

It is a truism that "What gets measured gets managed." More completely, "What gets measured gets managed - even when it's pointless to measure and manage it, and even if it harms the purpose of the organization to do so."

In other words, if body count, or enemy attacks, are used as a measure of success, military 'managers' will adopt tactics and strategies that maximize those results. In some instances that might even include 'managing' the reported numbers.

That's no way to fight a war...

So Sad It's Almost Funny

By now it's become obvious that the obama administration's warnings of the sequester's negative consequences are more hype than reality. Some people, myself included, refer to such statements as lies. But I'm not going to dwell on that now. Instead, I'd like to point out how underhanded and hypocritical those weasels really are. Case in point:

TSA Sealed $50-Million Sequester-Eve Deal to Buy New Uniforms

The impending sequester did not prevent the Transportation Security Administration (TSA)  from acting in late February to seal a $50-million deal to purchase new uniforms for its agents--uniforms that will be partly manufactured in Mexico.

 Gotta rush that through before spending is cut. Can't have the TSA perverts screeners looking shabby while they grope kids in wheelchairs.

Soon after this new investment in TSA uniforms, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned Americans that the lines are already lengthening at airports due to the sequester.

"We are already seeing the effect on the ports of entry, the big airports for example," Napolitano told Politico on Monday. "Some of them had very long lines this weekend."

As we now know, that was a bald-faced lie. There were no delays: "...officials representing a dozen major airports said there were few if any unusual flight delays or lines at security or customs checkpoints."

But back to the uniforms.

The TSA employs 50,000 security officers, inspectors, air marshals and managers. That means that the uniform contract will pay the equivalent of $1,000 per TSA employee over the course of the year.

I can dress pretty damn good for $1000 per year. But it's not that simple.

The TSA provides uniforms to new employees, but requires them to pay for additional clothes out of their own pocket. The initial issue consists of 3 long sleeve shirts, 3 short sleeve shirts, 2 pairs of trousers, 2 ties, and one belt, sweater, socks, and jacket.

So the TSA isn't just simply giving $1000 to each employee. Instead, it's buying a basic set of clothes only for its new employees. Figure a 25% annual turnover rate (probably on the high side, but I'm feeling generous tonight) and that comes to $4000 per new employee. For three pairs of pants, six shirts, and assorted accessories.

Where the hell does TSA shop? Neiman Marcus?

And just to rub salt in the wound, the uniforms are partially made in Mexico.

...TSA said the uniforms will be "manufactured in the U.S. and Mexico."

So we've got a federal agency lying about sequestration's impacts, rushing a purchase order through just barely ahead of the sequester, paying an excessive price for what it's buying, and not even insisting on "Made in the USA" products.

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry...

Duck Dynasty Night

After wading through all the doom, gloom, and madness in the news today, it's time to kick back and relax.

Dinner is over and the dishwasher is gurgling merrily away.

I'm steadily working my way through tonight's allotment of cold Shiners.

And soon, there'll be a new episode (two, actually) of Duck Dynasty on the tube.

It's 'Duck Dynasty' season as A&E hit flies high

When "Duck Dynasty" returned for its third season last week, it was greeted by an audience of 8.6 million viewers. Pretty good for an A&E reality series about bearded bayou brethren who manufacture duck calls and love to go bird hunting.

Except that's not what "Duck Dynasty" really is. Viewers who have ducked this show thus far, assuming it's just another mocking redneck display on the order of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," have it all wrong. And they're missing out.

..."Duck Dynasty" (airing two half-hours at 10 p.m. EST Wednesday) is a warm and witty family show that is more akin to a classic sitcom than it is to the likes of "Buckwild."

Head Duck Dynasty dude Willie joins his wife's yoga class in an attempt to shape up before their high school reunion.

Trust me - the show is more enjoyable than you might think from the picture.

Academics Meet Real Life

One of the courses I occasionally teach deals with Project Management. I used to run software development projects, along with business process re-engineering and new product implementation projects, for one of the (at the time) largest banks in the world. I've also done a little academic research concerning project management, so I like to think I'm qualified in this topic.

In my Project Management class I emphasize what's often referred to as the Iron Triangle of Project Management. At the risk of over-simplifying, the underlying premise is that every project contains three basic variables: time, quality, and cost. The idea is that you can maximize any two of those three variables, but no matter how hard you try, you can't maximize all three at the same time. The figure below illustrates that

I really like that figure, because it captures in a nutshell several complex concepts. Plus it can be applied to many other contexts. For example, the next figure illustrates what every parent eventually figures out.

If your life is anything like mine, it's actually more a matter of "Pick One."

Oh well, at least it keeps things from getting boring...

Late Night Thoughts

Think about this as you drift off to sleep...

Sequestration In Pictures Part III

In Sequestration In Pictures Part I and Part II we looked at the basics of sequestration - its origin and the overall impact. In this part we'll take a quick look at some of the 'curious' choices the obama administration has made in implementing the cuts.

As most of us are aware, the sequestration cuts disproportionally affect our military. Let's hope that this mess gets resolved before there are lasting long-term consequences.

Our men and women in uniform -- past, present, and future -- deserve better.

Why I Drink

I drink more than I should. I don't make excuses for that, but I do offer a couple of explanations.

One, it makes me feel good.

Two, it's how I cope with a world gone mad.

I could cite many, many examples, but for right now I'll limit myself to two. Both illustrate why I've just about given up on our public schools, for reasons that should be obvious.

High School Student Suspended for Disarming Gunman

FORT MYERS, Fla. - A 16-year-old Cypress Lake High School student, who wrestled a loaded revolver away from a teen threatening to shoot, is being punished.

The student grappled the gun away from the 15-year-old suspect on the bus ride home Tuesday after witnesses say (the suspect) aimed the weapon point blank at another student and threatened to shoot him.

...And for that he was suspended for three days.

And the lesson he and all his fellow students are learning from this? Don't bother doing the right thing, or stepping up and helping people in trouble.

No good deed goes unpunished. 

The student says he wrestled the .22 caliber RG-14 Revolver away from the suspect, a football player, who witnesses say threatened to shoot a teammate because he had been arguing with his friend.

That's when the student we spoke with says he and others tackled the teen and wrestled away the gun. The next day the school slapped him with a three day suspension.

According to the referral, he was suspended for being part of an "incident" where a weapon was present and given an "emergency suspension."

I guess if he'd been shot he still would have been suspended "for being part of an "incident" where a weapon was present."

There is nothing so uncommon as common sense.

Not to be outdone, a Baltimore school district suspended a 7-year-old for chewing his Pop-Tart into something that some paranoid ultra-imaginative über-liberal teacher indoctrination specialist interpreted as being "a gun kinda."

At Park Elementary school, Josh was enjoying his breakfast pastry when he decided to try and shape it into a mountain.

Josh said, "It was already a rectangle and I just kept on biting it and biting it and tore off the top and it kinda looked like a gun but it wasn't."

Josh takes full responsibly for trying to shape his breakfast pastry, but admits it was in innocent fun. He told FOX45, "All I was trying to do was turn it into a mountain but, it didn't look like a mountain really and it turned out to be a gun kinda."

When his teacher saw the strawberry tart he knew he was in trouble, he recalls, "She was pretty mad…and I think I was in big trouble."

Josh's dad received a phone call from the school saying that Josh has been suspended for two days because he took his breakfast pastry and fashioned it into a gun. Josh's dad was astounded to learn the school chose such a harsh punishment, even after no one was hurt.

"...even after no one was hurt."

Words fail me. The poor kid's father has been so brainwashed that he focuses on the fact that no one was hurt, rather than the bigger picture.

A seven-year-old uses his imagination to turn something into something else. That's called creativity. Artists do it all the time. But in this case some idiot with her head so far up her ass that sunshine has to be pumped in 'imagined' that the seven-year-old was a potential mass murderer.

Thank God the pastry wasn't loaded.

Bonus FOD 2013.03.04

Those of you of a certain age will recognize the genesis of the image below, and the video following it. Both have been updated to reflect the current political environment.

(Borrowed from here)

(Thanks to SooperMexican for the video.)

FOD 2013.03.04

British columnist Nile Gardiner is doing the job American journalists are unable or unwilling to do (with a few notable exceptions).

A nasty, brutish, imperial presidency

Thomas Hobbes wrote that the life of man is “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.” Today’s White House definitely isn’t poor, lavishly feeding off the wealth of the American taxpayer, and the current presidency certainly isn’t short, with nearly four more years to run. But it is undeniably nasty and brutish, as veteran Washington Post reporter Bob Woodward has found after questioning President Obama’s narrative on the sequester issue.

... Woodward is not alone. Lanny Davis, another liberal columnist and former special counsel to Bill Clinton, who has penned several pieces critical of Obama’s policies, has also spoken out against similar White House tactics.

The threats being dished out to Woodward, Davis and others are extremely disturbing in a free society, and are a reflection of an imperial presidency that acts with impunity and is highly intolerant of dissent. The heavy-arm tactics that Obama’s team have deployed for years against conservatives are now being increasingly implemented as well against liberals questioning the president’s record.

Will American liberals now stand up to the Obama White House and condemn its blatant attempts to suppress criticism and free speech? I doubt it. The Washington Post has provided relatively little coverage of the story, despite the fact that one its own star writers has been targeted. The New York Times is, unsurprisingly, completely silent (with the exception of a small mention in a single blog) on the issue. Ironically, most of the reporting of the White House’s attempts to intimidate liberal critics has come from the conservative press, led by the Drudge Report, which has propelled the story to national prominence...

Gardiner's statements are backed up by at least one U.S. news outlet - The New York Post.

...Even Jonathan Alter — who frequently appears on the Obama-friendly MSNBC — came forward to say he, too, had been treated horribly by the administration for writing something they didn’t like.

“There is a kind of threatening tone that, from time to time — not all the time — comes out of these guys,” Alter said this week. During the 2008 campaign swing through Berlin, Alter said that future White House press secretary Robert Gibbs disinvited him from a dinner between Obama and the press corps over it.

“I was told ‘Don’t come,’ in a fairly abusive e-mail,” he said. “[It] made what Gene Sperling wrote [to Woodward] look like patty-cake.”

The same story offers a counterpoint to the alleged republican 'war on women:'

“I had a young reporter asking tough, important questions of an Obama Cabinet secretary,” says one DC veteran. “She was doing her job, and they were trying to bully her. In an e-mail, they called her the vilest names — bitch, c--t, a--hole.” He complained and was told the matter would be investigated: “They were hemming and hawing, saying, ‘We’ll look into it.’ Nothing happened.”

It's bad enough to have the mainstream media fail to report that the emperor is indeed naked. But it has now reached the point where the emperor is sodomizing the media, and they are bending over, grabbing their ankles, and smiling.

Stifling free speech strikes at the very roots of liberty. There's a reason the First Amendment came first. It is shameful, cowardly, and despicable that the people entrusted with that right are willingly participating in its extinction.

Sunday Funnies 2013.03.03

My birthday was last week. 'Nuff said...

It’s a terrible thing to grow old alone. My wife hasn’t had a birthday for four years.

You know you're old when one of your friends is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

You know you're old when many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

Over the course of my life I've turned the pursuit of happiness into an endurance test.

My wife didn't know what to get me for my birthday, so one of her friends suggested she give me a certificate that says I can have one night of wild sex, any way I want it. My wife thought that was a great idea so she had a nice-looking certificate printed up and sealed in an envelope.

She gave it to me after dinner on my birthday. I read it, jumped up, yelled "This is the best birthday present ever!" and gave her a great big hug and kiss.

Then I grabbed my cars keys, ran for the door, and hollared "Don't wait up. I'll see you in the morning!"

She was not amused...

Local News Update

It's been a busy few weeks. I've been a little negligent in maintaining this blog. One of the things that's slipped has been some recent developments regarding the most sacred piece of Texas soil - the Alamo. So here's what's been in the news lately concerning the Cradle of Texas Liberty.

Replica of 18-pound cannon used at Alamo will return to San Antonio

A replica of the 18-pound cannon William Barret Travis answered Santa Anna's demand for surrender with makes a defiant return to the Alamo Friday in celebration of Texas Independence Day and the 177th anniversary of the Battle of the Alamo.

"This 18-pound cannon embodies the Texians' unyielding defiance to tyranny," said Texas Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson. "This cannon — and the defiance it represented — was one of the main reasons Santa Anna was set on taking the Alamo."

A lot of us think it's about time to rekindle that defiance to a federal government that seems as hell-bent on taking away our rights today as the Mexican government was 177 years ago.

The 18-pounder is believed to be the cannon Travis was referring to when he wrote  ‘". . . I have answered the demand with a cannon shot . . ."  in his famous "Victory or Death" letter...

Speaking of the Travis letter, it is considered by many Texans to be the most sacred and inspirational historical document in state history, and second only to the Declaration of Independence on a national level.

This week, that letter has been put on rare public display at the site where it was written - the Alamo.

'Victory or Death' letter returns to the Alamo

A written plea for help in which the commander of the besieged rebel Texas forces at the Alamo vowed "Victory or Death" will return Friday to the old Spanish mission for the first time since it was penned in 1836.

William Barret Travis' famous letter to "the People of Texas and All Americans in the World," will get a police escort from the state archive in Austin to the Alamo... The weathered, single-page letter will go on display for two weeks, starting this weekend, and will be kept in a special display cabinet and given round-the-clock guards.

The exhibit coincides with the 177th anniversary of the siege, which culminated with the March 6, 1836, fall of the Alamo and the deaths of Travis and the roughly 180 men in his command.

Travis, a 26-year-old South Carolina native and lawyer who left his family in Alabama for Texas, wrote that the forces under Mexico's president, Gen. Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna, were subjecting him and his men to "continual" cannon fire. Knowing the odds were against them, Travis wrote that he responded to a surrender demand with a single cannon shot of his own and the promise that, "I shall never surrender or retreat."

The letter was smuggled out of the Alamo at night by a courier on horseback, though by the time it was published in leaflets and newspapers, Travis and his men were dead. But volunteers crying "Remember the Alamo!" and led by Gen. Sam Houston routed Santa Anna's forces more than a month later outside what's now the city of Houston, securing Texas' independence from Mexico.

"The writing of the letter by Travis is a pivotal and very, very dramatic moment in the story of the Alamo with all its famous characters, (David) Crockett, (James) Bowie, Travis and many more who willingly decided to give their lives in a cause they considered bigger than themselves," Michael Parrish, a Baylor University history professor, said. "In fact, the Alamo is considered one of the great epic stories of American history, and indeed, world history."

Travis penned the letter in a room across the plaza from the mission's main entrance. The spot is now a Ripley's Haunted Adventure, which is part of a block-long strip of tourist-focused businesses.

Capt. Albert Martin of Gonzales, a Rhode Island native, slipped through the Mexican lines outside the Alamo and handed it the following afternoon to Lancelot Smither, a former Alamo defender who had left earlier to spread word that Santa Anna's army had arrived. Smither delivered it to San Felipe, the unofficial capital of revolutionary Texas about 145 miles east of San Antonio.

And 177 years later the letter was delivered back to where it all began, with appropriate pomp and circumstance.

The famous "Victory or Death" letter penned on February 24, 1836 by William Barret Travis, Commander of the Texian rebels in the former mission known as the Alamo, is carried Friday Feb. 22, 2013 to the Alamo by Alamo Rangers. The letter is returning to the Alamo for the first time since it was dispatched by Travis during the battle. Members of the Gonzales Chamber of Commerce hold a "Gonzales Flag" during the ceremony.

Red carpet rolled out for Travis letter

With all the pageantry worthy of a priceless document, William Barret Travis' enduring “victory or death” letter returned Friday to the Alamo, for the first time since it was written by the desperate young commander in 1836.

A color guard of re-enactors in period Texian dress led four Alamo Rangers who carried a fine arts shipping crate. They carted the letter along a red carpet and into the chapel...

The doors of the chapel swung open as Denton County Sheriff Will Travis finished reading the text of the famous letter, written by his fifth-great uncle.

The letter, carried out of the Alamo on Feb. 24, 1836, by mounted courier Albert Martin, arrived Friday in a blue, specially equipped truck. Employees of the Land Office and Alamo have blocked off windows of the chapel and installed temporary air conditioning units to protect the fragile document from sunlight and variations in temperature and humidity.

Michael Waters, archives commission chairman, said the commission was proud to be part of the “reunion of two icons of Texas history” — the Alamo and the stirring dispatch, considered one of the most famous letters ever written.

“You don't have to tell Texans what 'the letter' is,” Waters said.

In his public appeal for help, Travis wrote, “Then, I call on you in the name of liberty, of patriotism and everything dear to the American character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch.”

Among about 1,000 people at the ceremony were three women from Gonzales, where the Texas Revolution began Oct. 2, 1835. One of them, Charlie Gray, held a large “Come and Take It” flag, which shows a silhouette of the cannon townspeople defended against Mexican officials.

Here's the text of the letter.

To the People of Texas & All Americans in the World—

Fellow Citizens & compatriots—

I am besieged, by a thousand or more of the Mexicans under Santa Anna. I have sustained a continual bombardment and cannonade for 24 hours and have not lost a man. The enemy has demanded a surrender at discretion, otherwise, the garrison are to be put to the sword, if the fort is taken. I have answered the demand with a cannon shot, and our flag still waves proudly from the walls. I shall never surrender or retreat.

Then, I call on you in the name of Liberty, of patriotism and everything dear to the American character, to come to our aid, with all dispatch. The enemy is receiving reinforcements daily and will no doubt increase to three or four thousand in four or five days.  If this call is neglected, I am determined to sustain myself as long as possible and die like a soldier who never forgets what is due to his own honor & that of his country — Victory or Death.

William Barrett Travis.

Lt.  Col. comdt.

Those words still ring true today.

Friday Follies Happy Hour 2013.03.01

One of my favorite songs by one of my favorite performers. Enjoy...