Sunday Funnies 2014.03.16

Tomorrow is Saint Patrick's Day. Need I say more...?

An Irishman by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass, upon learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day," he explained.

"I gave you a sham rock."

Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A: A leper con.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: Why don't you iron 4-Leaf clovers?
A: Because you don’t want to press your luck.

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Paddy O'furniture.

I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word "mañana." Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, or next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency." replied Brennan.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

“That little weasel, O’Conner,” says Sean, “He couldn’t do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”

“Well,” says Sean, “you should have defended yourself. Didn’t you have something in your hand?”

“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”