Getting His Kicks

While wandering around the Interweb yesterday, this story caught my eye.

A Portland pimp named Sirgiorgiro Clardy wants a $100 million settlement from Nike because he claims that not warning people that their shoes could be used as a deadly weapon constitutes negligence. 26-year-old Clardy is serving a 100-year prison term for kicking the shit out of a john who tried to get out of paying, then robbing him and leaving him for dead at the 6th Avenue Motel just outside downtown Portland...

This is America, where anyone can sue anyone else for any reason. (Is this a great country, or what.) Still, this is one of the stupidest lawsuits I've ever heard of.

But after reading further, there is a twisted kind of logic underlying the lawsuit. Clardy's argument is that since he is charged with assault with a deadly weapon, and since he used his Nike-clad feet in the assault, then ipso facto the shoes are deadly weapons, and Nike is negligent in failing "to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction..."

Think about the implications if Clardy wins his case.

...here are some other things that would need warning labels because they've been used as "deadly weapons" in the eyes of the law: bottles, pillows, living dogs, dead dogs, parts of chairs, entire chairs, cars, hammers, screwdrivers, pint glasses, and pretty much everything that hurts when you use it as a bludgeon or a projectile, not to mention items like guns and knives which are known to be deadly, but don't have labels warning people about it.

I'm not going to lose any sleep worrying about this. The law may be an ass, but it does on occasion exhibit a little common sense.

In any event, this isn't the first time shoes have been considered deadly weapons.

Woman charged in shoe-throwing incident at Austin strip club

One stripper was charged with felony assault for attacking another with a stiletto shoe (A different stripper at a different club than the Austin one.)

And just to show that shoe attacks aren't limited to pimps and strippers, we have this story.

(Former basketball player) Scottie Pippen is officially a suspect in a felony assault with a deadly weapon investigation ... 47-year-old Pippen was at Nobu when he got into a fight with a man outside the restaurant ... Pippen has since been named as a suspect in a report for assault with a deadly weapon -- the deadly weapon being his shoes. We're told Pippen repeatedly kicked the 50-something-year-old victim when he was down.

As one source put it, "He beat the f*** out of him."

Forget my Springfield XD .45. I'm going to start carrying a concealed shoe.

The only question is should it be a Nike or a stiletto-heeled model...?