News Of The Absurd 2014.03.19

I'm tired of all the serious crap going on in the world. Here's some news from the lighter side to hopefully make your day a little less stressful.

Beware Filthy Women

Jack Harvey jailed for drugs and driving offenses...

...police were alerted to Harvey’s movements on November 26 last year when he left a St Austell petrol station without paying.

Staff at the station described Harvey’s behaviour as bizarre and reported that he had been making strange noises.

Officers caught up with him on the A390 near Probus where they witnessed him driving dangerously by overtaking several vehicles.

Mr Lee said a urine sample later revealed a “cocktail” of drugs including amphetamine, methadone, cocaine and heroin.

When he was arrested at his home, drugs were found in Harvey’s house, car and taped to his testicles.

“He made allegations that police had planted the drugs in his car … of the drugs stuck to his testicles [he] denied any knowledge, commenting that some filthy woman must have put it there.”

Ah yes, the 'filthy woman' defense.

Robin Smith, defending, described the latest string of offences as a “significant yet relatively recent wobble”.

I'm not sure what a "wobble" is, but it doesn't sound good.

In other news, from this side of the pond:

John Rogers of Geneva, Fla., recently acquitted in a shooting death (using Florida’s “stand your ground” defense), convinced a judge in February to return his guns, which police had confiscated when they arrested him. Rogers said he needs the guns for protection because he is particularly vulnerable —— in that he is blind.

Well, why not? The Second Amendment doesn't say anything about disabilities. And based on the ADA, there's little doubt Mr. Rogers should have his firearms returned to him.

Finally, we have this bit of nonsense.

On Valentine’s Day, Michael Williams went to the Applebee’s in Sumter, South Carolina for lunch. The 53-year-old tried to pay for his meal with a debit card, but it was declined.

So Michael did what most of us would do. He offered to pay the bill with cash. Only one problem:

Mr. Williams tried to pay up with a $1 trillion bill.

Who does he think he is - barack obama?

barack obama wanna-be Michael Williams