Sunday, December 28, 2014

Sunday Funnies 2014.12.28

After-Christmas observations...

On the day after Christmas it was announced that next year Santa will not be allowed to go down chimneys.

It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Committee.

It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.

It's nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.

They're eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.

The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can't find the cat.

It's one day after Christmas
the relatives still here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.

I love the decorations,
and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
would take their kids and go.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting - even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa's passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's--all here!!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!"

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,

I must express my gratitude
for such a lovely gift.

Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
only by your thrift.

It's clear that you spared all expense,
if you catch my drift.

Remove the anti-theft device
when you again shoplift.

Santa enjoys a well-deserved rest.

Santa enjoys a well-deserved drink.

The countdown has already started.


Old NFO said...

ROTF... stealing these... :-)

CenTexTim said...

Help yourself. I stole 'em from someone else...