Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Cleaning Out The In-Box

Classes started today - more on that fluster-cluck later.

Lots of other stuff going on, so rather than come up with something original I'll kill two birds with one stone and clean out my email in-box while at the same time gathering material for a post.

Multitasking rules...

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the      cost is a million dollars. Putin writes him a check.

Next, Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars. She writes him a check.

Finally, George Bush gets his turn and  talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Boudreaux take his wife Cloteele, to a dance down on the bayou, las' weekend.

There was this guy on the dance floor dancin' like crazy - breakdancin', moonwalkin', back flips--the whole works.

Cloteele turn to Boudreaux and say, "See dat guy? Twenty-five year ago, he propose to me and I turn him down." 

Boudreaux say, "Look like he still celebratin'!"

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you.  "Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous, because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his shirt pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you nuts?  Didn't you hear what I said?" I said, "Kiss me, and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah. At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

With age comes wisdom.

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windshield.

To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!"

To which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor?  I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied ...

“Oh yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A  cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly  Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of  particular merit?' St. Peter  asked.

'Well,  I can think of one thing,' the cowboy  offered. 'On  a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came  upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young  woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they  wouldn't  listen.'

'So I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I  yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of  all of  you!

St.  Peter was impressed, 'When did this  happen?'

'Couple  of minutes  ago.'


Old NFO said...

Good ones Sir! :-)

Harper said...

I hate that LOL doesn't really signify what it says. I did laugh out loud, at the insect joke, in particular.

CenTexTim said...

Glad y'all enjoyed them.