Presidential Partying, Then And Now

Serious commentary will resume next week. Today let's relax and enjoy some stories about our presidents back when men were men, instead of a lying two-faced weasel of dubious masculinity.

The following excerpts are from the book Vignettes from Mint Juleps with Teddy Roosevelt: The Complete History of Presidential Drinking (Excerpts from here.)

Monroe was into a truly lethal punch

While he was visiting Savannah in 1819, James Monroe apparently tried Chatham Artillery Punch, which he described at the time as “suave and deceitful”. If by “deceitful”, he meant “secretly housing enough liquor to knock out an ogre”, well, he was right. The recipe calls for 1.5 gallons of scuppernong wine, a 1/2 gallon of rum, 1.5 quarts of rye whiskey, 1 quart of brandy, 1 quart of gin, a 1/2 pint of Bénédictine liqueur, and a case of Champagne. (Plus some tea and fruit.) Clearly, that Chatham Artillery knew how to party.

(Note: at Blownstar 2013 someone who shall remain nameless mixed a batch of Chatham Artillery Punch. 'Lethal' is an understatement.)

Jackson’s inauguration party was a real rager

When the people’s president Andrew Jackson was sworn into office, an estimated crowd of 10,000 to 30,000 swarmed his carriage on the way to the White House (or, as it was called then, the Executive Mansion). And they were not exactly Washington aristocrats. Scruffy and “vulgar” supporters invaded the place, messing up fancy chairs, breaking china, and dipping generously into the spiked punch bowl. In fact, the president’s staff had to place buckets of punch and wine outside to get them to go home — people were soon climbing out of windows to get to that hard stuff, stumbling and screaming, “Huzzah!” all the way out.

I've been to a few parties like that. 'Scruffy and vulgar' is another understatement when describing the guests attendees. Although given the recent levels of Secret Service security around the White House, it wouldn't surprise me to see a repeat if someone like Ted Cruz gets elected in 2016.

Harrison and McKinley kept barrels of Dewar’s

Andrew Carnegie, better known as that billionaire whose name is on 1/5 of all institutions in America, was known for sending shipments of Scotch to people he liked. Mark Twain was one enthusiastic recipient, and pretty soon so were Presidents Harrison and McKinley. Carnegie sent them both barrels of Dewar’s, giving the presidential liquor cabinet a major boost and the distillery some prime publicity.

That's my kind of presidential cabinet.

Teddy Roosevelt got into a barroom brawl with a cowboy

Although TR seems like the kind of guy who drank bourbon for breakfast, the mountain man was by all accounts a moderate drinker. But that didn’t stop him from getting into good old-fashioned bar fights, particularly with heckling cowboys. While Roosevelt was visiting a saloon out West, an inebriated rancher started calling him four-eyes and demanding he buy everyone drinks. Teddy stood up calmly, gave the armed dude three swift hits, and then returned to his seat once he was sure the guy was KO’d.

That's my kind of president. I'd love to see TR go up against Putin. I know who my money would be on.

Eisenhower made his own bathtub gin

While Ike was stationed at Fort Meade with another military legend, George Patton, the men found creative ways to get around that pesky Prohibition. Patton made some home-brews that may or may not have exploded, while the future prez mixed grain alcohol in a bathtub into bootleg gin. (He also allegedly punched a hole in the wall of a local cafe on a boozy night right after his West Point graduation, but Ike insists his critics exaggerated that tale.)

Wow ... who woulda thunk that Dwight Eisenhower had a wild side?

Kennedy’s Air Force One crew fed dogs martinis

Well, it was really just the one dog, and it was his brother Bobby’s hyperactive black lab. The flight staff was concerned the eager pup would trample important documents and/or interrupt JFK’s plays for the lady attendants, so they gave the little guy a martini. He soon drifted off to sleep, dreaming of cocktails garnished with Milk-Bones.

We had a Lab that developed a taste for beer. If you set a bottle of beer on the ground she would come by and 'accidentally' knock it over and then lap up the spilled beer. Thankfully she never developed a taste for the hard stuff.

Nixon nearly burned the White House down with Chinese liquor

When Tricky Dick made his famous trip to China, he was introduced to maotai, some potent local booze that typically runs about 110 proof. To demonstrate how loaded the stuff was, Chinese Premier Chou En-lai struck a match over a cup of the liquor to prove it could catch fire. And according to Dr. Henry Kissinger, Nixon recreated this demo for his daughter upon his return… with less success. The saucer containing the maotai broke, lighting the entire table on fire and nearly causing a full-on case of arson.

Too bad for him the Watergate tapes weren't on that table.

And too bad for us that we're stuck with a SCOAMF in the Oval Office whose biggest claim to partying fame is 'Intercepted.'

When a joint was being passed around, (obama) would routinely barge in, shout "Intercepted!" and take an out-of-turn hit.

Future POTUS (circled). Note the inscription on the cake.

More on barry and the Choom Gang:

President Obama’s high school pot dealer who he thanked in his yearbook for the 'good times' was beaten to death by his lover after a series of fights over flatulence and drugs...

Raymond Boyer, known as 'Gay Ray' to Obama and his marijuana smoking 'Choom Gang', was bludgeoned to death with a hammer seven years after he sold the future president and his friends drugs.

His lover Andrew Devere, a male prostitute, gave police a laundry list of reasons for the killing, including that Boyer, a surfer and unemployed chef, constantly put him down, made him beg for drugs and had a habit of breaking wind in his face.

obama and Gay Ray

2016 can't get here soon enough...