Sunday Funnies 2013.11.10

Today is the 238th birthday of the United States Marine Corps.

Heartfelt thanks to all leathernecks - past, present, and future.

Two widows are talking at the bowling alley.

Martha says, “That nice George Johnson, the retired Marine, asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. Dressed up like such a gentleman in a fine suit. And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs and what’s there but a beautiful car. . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvelous dinner. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL!!! Completely crazy. He tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times! I wouldn’t have expected that sort of behavior from a retired Marine!”

Martha: “Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?

Edna: “No . . . I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

One day, three O-6s were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river. “POOF!” God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river. It did, however, take him about two hours, and he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, the Army Colonel prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.” POOF!” God gave him a rowboat. He was able to row across the river in about an hour, but it was rough, and he almost capsized the boat a couple of times.

The Navy Captain had seen how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he said, “Please God, give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross this river. “POOF! God turned him into a United States Marine Corps Lance Corporal.

He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

A reality TV manager was interviewing one person from from each of the armed forces for a spot on the new TV show.

A soldier came in first and the manager handed him a Beretta, and said, "Go into the other room there and shoot whoever it is in there." The soldier goes in and came back out and said, "I can’t do it." He didn’t get the spot.

Next a sailor came in and the manager said the same thing to him. The sailor went into the room, came out and said, "I can’t do that." He didn’t get the spot.

Then an Air Force pilot came in and was handed the same Berretta and was told to do the same thing. Before he even went in he turned the manager down.

Finally a Marine came in and stood in front of the manager at parade rest. The manager handed him the Beretta and told him to kill whomever it was in the other room. The Marine walked in and from behind the door came a loud BANG!! Then what sounded like breaking wood and then screaming. The Marine walked out, covered in blood. The manager yelled, "What the hell happened." The Marine replied, "Some dumb-ass put blanks in the gun so I had to break off a table leg and beat her to death, sir."

The Gunny was assigned to the Marine Corps Recruit Depot where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their SGLI insurance.

It wasn't long before the Captain noticed that the Gunny had a 100% record for the maximum insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to the Gunny's sales pitch. He explained the basics of SGLI to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But if you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"