More Our Tax Dollars At Work

In a follow-up to yesterday's post about our tax dollars being poured down a rat-hole to study lesbian drinking habits, we now have this study that is even more absurd.

$384,949 Federal Study Looks at ‘Plasticity in Duck Penis Length’

The National Science Foundation (NSF) has awarded a $384,949 grant to Yale University for a study on “Sexual Conflict, Social Behavior and the Evolution of Waterfowl Genitalia”, according to the recovery.gov website.

The grant description says,“The project examines how reproductive morphology covaries with season, age, and social environment in a diverse sample of duck species that differ in ecology, territoriality and breeding system.”

In other words, the project examines duck dicks.

The grant was made available through the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, better known as the stimulus package.

Of course it was. After all, the stimulus package was intended for 'shovel-ready' projects that would create jobs and repair our crumbling infrastructure. Paying a gaggle of eggheads to study the penis length of ducks is certainly one way of doing that.

“In the last quarter, we have prepared a manuscript for submission on the results of the first two years of experiments on social phenotypic plasticity in duck penis length in Lesser Scaup and Ruddy Duck. Experiments continued on genital social phenotypic plasticity in Mandarin Duck and Laysan Teal,” a 2010 fourth quarter recovery.gov update on the study says.

Huh?

Many duck penises are cork-screw shaped and some scientists believe this is because of a form of evolution known as “sexual conflict”.

If my penis was cork-screw shaped there would undoubtedly be some "sexual conflict" between my wife and I.

"The NSF strives to be good stewards of taxpayers dollars," (NSF spokeswoman Deborah Wing) says, "Basic research often is combined with other research efforts and turns into bigger things."

"...turns into bigger things." Is Ms. Wing making a double entendre? And did you catch the delicious irony of her name - "Wing"?

The NSF grant abstract states, “Broader impacts of the research will be international, national, local, and personal."

I guess studying duck penis lengths might be personal to the individual ducks, but I'm not sure how it will be personal to a human.

Among those having a personal experience with the study are young minorities. “The project will incorporate high school students from under-represented minorities through the Yale University EVOLUTIONISTS program,” the NSF grant page says.

Ah, now I see. It's for the children. And not just any children, but minority children. How could anyone have a problem with that, unless they're racist.

I withdraw my objection.

Now pardon me while I go bang my head against the wall...

(H/T to iOTW for the link and the image below.)

A researcher measures the length of Donald's appendage.

Our Tax Dollars At Work

Someone at the National Institutes of Health (NIH) evidently has a thing for lesbians. I say that based on the nature of some recent grants awarded for lesbian-related studies.

Feds Spend $1.5 million to Study Obese Lesbians

The National Institutes of Health awarded a Boston hospital more than $1.5 million to figure out why nearly three-quarters of lesbians are overweight — calling the disparities a significant public health issue.

Seems to me that's a "Which came first - the chicken or the egg?" question. Did they become lesbians because they were overweight and couldn't get a man, or did they become lesbians and then turn to food for comfort because they couldn't get a man?

Okay, okay ... cheap, sexist shots. I apologize.

“It is now well-established that women of minority sexual orientation are disproportionately affected by the obesity epidemic, with nearly three-quarters of adult lesbians overweight or obese, compared to half of heterosexual women,” according to a description of the grant.

Oops. I made another politically incorrect statement. It appears the preferred form of address is "minority sexual orientation," not "lesbians." I apologize again for my insensitivity.

BTW, that $1.5M is just the beginning. Uncle Sugar doled out another $2.7M for another lesbian-focused study.

Why Do Lesbians Have Higher 'Risk for Hazardous Drinking'?

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) has awarded $2.7 million to study why lesbians are at a higher “risk for hazardous drinking.”

I know, I know!!! Because they can't get a man!

Sorry...

The researchers theorize that lesbians report higher rates of traumatic events, making them more likely to engage in hazardous drinking, which has been defined by NIH’s National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism as “more than 7 drinks per week or more than 3 drinks per occasion for women.”

OMG!!! I'm a lesbian!

Furthermore, the problem may be worse for “lesbians of color,” the researchers say.

Shouldn't that be "minority sexual orientation person of color?"

The University of Illinois is not alone in receiving federal funds to study “sexual minorities” and their propensity to drink. The University of Washington has been awarded $1,154,445 since 2010 for its project “High Risk Drinking in Emerging Adult at-Risk Women,” which seeks to find out why young lesbians and bisexuals face an “elevated” chance for hazardous drinking.

Old Dominion University in 2012 received $446,056 for its study titled “Minority Stress, Alcohol Use, and Intimate Partner Violence Among Lesbians.”

If my math is correct that's a total of $5.8 million of our hard-earned tax dollars wasted over the past three years to find out why lesbians drink too much and are overweight. Here's a semi-serious observation. Perhaps they're overweight because they drink too much, eat too much, and don't get enough exercise.

Just like the rest of us...

How Low Can He Go?

Harry Reid is one of the most vile, despicable human beings lower life forms that I have ever had the misfortune of encountering.

Harry Reid Implies Sequester Caused Explosion That Killed 7 Marines In Nevada

On the Senate floor this morning, Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) implied the explosion that killed seven Marines at an munitions depot in Hawthorne, Nevada was due to the "cutting back in training and maintenance" in the sequester.

Taking advantage of a tragedy for political gain while the bodies of seven Marines are still warm. I hope there is a special place in Hell reserved for this asshole.

Fortunately, as one would expect, the Marines are fighting back.

Marine Corps Rips Reid: "Pure Political Posturing On The Backs Of Those Dead Marines"

NBC's Jim Miklaszewski reports: Now I can tell you, Marine Corps officials this afternoon are taking a strong exception to what Harry Reid implied. Saying that this exercise, for example, was planned well in advance, had nothing to do with the budget cuts. There were no corners cut, and if they couldn't afford to have all the safety precautions into place, they wouldn't do the exercise.

And in fact, one Marine Corps official told us a short time ago that he considers this nothing but pure political posturing on the backs of these dead Marines.

Sound familiar? It should. That's the same tactic the left used in the aftermath of the tragic Newtown schooll shootings.

Those people have no shame.

Free Fire Zone

First, let me say I acknowledge that law enforcement officials have an unenviable job. They deal with the worst examples of humanity on a daily basis - criminals and politicians. So while I sympathize with their plight, at times they are their own worst enemy. Case in point:

During the manhunt last month for California cop killer Christopher Dorner the Los Angeles police mistakenly shot up a pickup driven by two Hispanic women delivering newspapers. Fortunately for the women, the LA cops are lousy shots.

Regardless, the women's truck was totaled, being riddled by somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 rounds (100 rounds?!? And the women basically walked away with only slight wounds? Way to shoot, Barney Fife.) Anyway...

In a magnanimous gesture that I'm sure has absolutely nothing to do with trying to repair a shattered public image, the LAPD promised the women a new truck to replace the bullet-riddled old one.

There was, however, one slight catch...

Women Accidentally Shot by LAPD Won’t Get New Truck, Despite Promises

After their truck was plugged with more than 100 bullets, two women accidentally shot by the LAPD in the manhunt for Christopher Dorner are not getting the replacement vehicle they were promised over a month ago.

NBC 4 in LA reports that 71-year-old Emma Hernandez and her daughter, who had been delivering newspapers when eight police officers opened fire on them out of the blue, no longer want the new truck after being told they'd need to pose for a photo op and pay income tax on it.

Yep, the LAPD tries to gun down two these two women (when they were searching for one man...). However, the only thing that gets killed is the truck. Seems like the fair and reasonable thing to do would be to replace the truck at no expense to the ladies, right?

Ah well, that's not how government works.

An LAPD spokesperson, Commander Andrew Smith, told NBC 4 that it is "sad" but the department "just can't get past the 1099 issue," referencing the tax form one must fill out to claim income separate from wages. "The government has to take their bite out of it, I guess," Smith added.

Perhaps Smith is forgetting that the government wouldn't have had to take any bites if his organization, itself a government agency, hadn't shot at two innocent people 102 times.

So now the two women are out a truck. I don't know who paid the hospital bills - hopefully it was the city of LA. But because one government agency can't figure out a way around the rules of another government agency, two people are out of work and this whole mess is destined to become one gigantic lawsuit. Even if the city prevails the legal expenses will be much higher than the cost of a truck.

Not to mention that whole silly outmoded concept of doing the right thing...

UPDATE

The city has agreed to give $40,000 to two women whose pickup was shot up by a Police Department protection detail that mistook their newspaper delivery vehicle for the truck driven by rogue ex-cop Christopher Dorner during his rampage, officials announced Thursday.

The tax-free settlement covering the pickup and other property came quickly after the women's attorney, Glen Jonas, rejected Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck's offer of a replacement truck because the women would have had to pay taxes.

City Attorney Carmen Trutanich said the truck compensation was one of the fastest resolutions of a case he can remember in his term.

My, that was quick...

Side note: this should put to rest the notion that high capacity magazines result in higher body counts. 100+ rounds,fired by trained 'professionals.' and no fatalities...

What Happened To Spring?

Just returned to South Texas after Spring Break. It's 98 friggin' degrees down here. San Antonio hit a record high of 94 today. And it's only the middle of March.

Summer's gonna be Hell...

FOD 2013.03.18

It's started.

Sweet angel of death, take me now...

Almost Forgot

I almost forgot the obligatory St. Patrick's Day Post. Must have been all that green beer...

Sunday Funnies 2013.03.17

I'm retiring in two months. Here's some of the things going through my mind.

One of the things I'm worried about is outliving our money.

Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money. - Jonathan Clements

My wife has two concerns. One is the same as mine - running out of money. The other is what to do with me when I'm underfoot full time.

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income. - Chi Chi Rodriguez

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job. - Ella Harris

Professionally speaking, I have a few thoughts about retiring.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man. - Scott Elledge

Old professors never die. They just grade away.

I used to teach. Now I have no class.

Here's the last word.

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it. - Gene Perret

What I Did On My Spring Break

Whew! I finally got a minute to sit down and catch my breath. I thought Spring Break was a time to kick back and relax, but I've been busy ... busy busy busy.

My wife and I have a deal. For every 8 hours of honey-do's I get one round of golf. So far she owes me three rounds (plus one round I managed to squeeze in already this week). That works out to 32 hours of chores. That may not sound like a lot. But combine that everything else going on around here and it's a wonder I got that one round in.

First was the university-related work I had to do (hey, students get a week off - not faculty). I'm on a committee that evaluates research proposals and decides which ones get funded. We had 20 proposals this year. Each one take 2-3 hours to assess, so that's 40-60 hours right there. Plus I had to calculate and post mid-term grades, plus finalize a research paper, plus prepare my lectures for the rest of the semester. Bottom line - just the academic stuff was more than a full week's worth of work.

Next, our daughter is taking her college visit trips. She's a high school junior, so now's the time for her to decide where she wants to go. Our son was easy - Texas A&M all the way. The girl, however, is treating this like shopping for shoes. She has to try every place on to see how it fits. Early in the week was Vanderbilt (that's in Nashville TN for you SEC-challenged folks). That was followed by visits to Rice (Houston) and Texas A&M. A trip to the University of Texas is also in the planning stages.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad she's being thorough. And I'm very pleased and proud that she qualifies for schools the quality of Vanderbilt and Rice (and others that she's already rejected). But it is time-consuming.

The next two time-sinks will result in major changes for me and my family. First and foremost, my wife and I have spent many, many hours this week working with a financial planner, crunching numbers, preparing balance sheets, income statements, and cash-flow projections. No matter how many different ways we look at it, the result is the same. Unless things just totally go to hell, I'm going to retire this May - 2 1/2 short months from now!

We have no debt. Our house is paid for, and the little weekend place we have on a lake near here is paid for. Our needs are modest, and we have a reasonable amount of money stashed away in various savings accounts, 401(k) plans, IRAs, etc. We've set aside funds for the kids' college education (worst case, we can move in with one of them after they graduate).

And just in case things really do go to hell, I've got an adequate supply of ammunition and liquor. Plus the situation at the university where I work has drastically gone downhill. Demands and expectations are up, salaries are flat, and morale is down. The administration's attitude towards the faculty can charitably be described as that of a master towards indentured servants. It's not enjoyable anymore -- in fact, it's a downright pain -- and we don't need the money. So I'm headed for a life of leisure.

The other thing that's taken up our time this week is planning for our once-in-a-lifetime trip. With the kids headed off to college in the next couple of years, we figured this summer is our last chance to take an extended family vacation that we'll all remember for the rest of our lives. We've been saving for this trip for the last ten years without knowing where we were going. After extended family pow-wows, we've decided. We'll be spending a month this summer in Australia and New Zealand. But booking flights and making reservations has taken a lot of research and back-and-forth with folks Down Under.

Everyone basically got to pick one week's worth of activities. Our daughter has a soft spot for animals, so we'll be spending time at nature preserves where you can watch kangaroos and interact with baby koalas. Our son is more adventurous, so his wish list includes scuba diving, skiing, and climbing the Sydney Harbor Bridge. My wife, bless her heart, wants to spend some time in South Australia touring the wine regions down there. My choice - a truly once in a lifetime opportunity to go red stag hunting in New Zealand.

So as you can see, it's been a truly busy week. But it's been worth it. The 'daily double' of retiring and taking that trip has gotten me more excited than I've been in a long, long time. I'm a little anxious about giving up a good-paying job (even though it is a pain in the ass) during these uncertain times, but we're not getting any younger. We've been prudent and responsible for most of our adult lives, so we figured let's enjoy things while we can.

After all, obama will make sure we're taken care of in our old age - right...?

Friday Follies Happy Hour 2013.03.15

Spring Break is winding down and I'm looking forward to going back to work so I can get some rest.

Stacked
Get More: It's a Shore Thing, Luke Bryan, Luke Bryan Videos

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

I'm supposed to be on Spring Break, but I've been seriously busy this week.

How busy, you ask?

I’m busier than mustard trying to ketchup.
I’m busier than a one-armed man hanging wall paper.
I’m busier than a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest.
I’m busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.
I’m busier than a one-armed monkey with two peckers.
I’m busier than a one-legged grass hopper in a jumping contest.
I’m busier than a one-eyed cat watching two mouse holes.
I’m busier than a centipede at a toe counting contest.
I’m busier than a mosquito at a nudist colony.
I’m busier than a cobra at a mongoose convention.

But I'm not too busy to pass on a few words of wisdom to you.

The Universal Obama Solution

Whatever the problem is, Obama’s solution is to take things away from the American people.

Budget cutbacks? Take away whatever hurts the American people most.

Take away their guns, their Bill of Rights, their car, their coal, make them turn the thermostat down and tell them what and how much they are allowed to eat.

Reagan’s core philosophy was growth and freedom. Obama’s core philosophy is to take control away from the peasants, and put himself control of everything

When he said “bitter people who cling to guns and religion” it was pretty obvious where he was coming from. The only reason to cling to anything is because someone is trying to take it away from you. That person is Barack Obama.

 There's a lot of truth in those few lines...

One Person's Dream Ticket Is Another Person's Nightmare

I apologize for today's delayed post, but I saw this headline early in the morning and immediately started guzzling Shiners as fast as humanly possible. (Side note: tomorrow's post may also be late, for reasons I'll get into later.)

2016 Hillary-Michelle 'Dream Ticket' floated

The story did have one statement that made a lot of sense.

"Both women are proven effective leaders who've raised children, so dealing with Congress would be a snap!"

If you can handle a screaming two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum when he doesn't get his own way, you should be able to deal with the 535 idiots that sit under the Capitol dome.

Every Once In A While They Get Things Right

I am not a big fan of the mainstream media. If fact, not to put too fine a point on it, I think they suck.

But every once in a while, despite themselves, they come up with a true gem. The following story is one such example.

I dare you to read it without tearing up.

Five days before Christmas 1943, a helpless American bomber pilot locked eyes with a German fighter pilot over the frozen skies of Europe. The German pilot spared the life of the American, and both men would reunite and become friends 50 years later.

Full story here.

Daylight Savings Nonsense

Well, I'm partway through the annual foolishness known as Daylight Savings Time. In my humble but all-knowing opinion, DST is a waste of time, effort, and energy. Others may disagree, but what do they know?

(Seriously, go here for a nicely balanced discussion of the pros and cons of DST.)

Regardless, the two images below do an excellent job of illustrating how I feel about it.

This Is Why We're In The Mess We're In

As you watch this short video (it's only 3 minutes long), keep in mind that people like these elected barack hussein obama President of the United States.

They vote ... and breed...


If I were Jimmy Kimmel I'd start checking the sky for drones.

(H/T to PowerLine for the heads-up on the video.)

FOD 2013.03.11

This should be an interesting week. Paul Ryan is preparing the House's annual federal budget. The democrat-controlled Senate has committed itself to producing their version of the budget this week (as required by law, but which they have neglected to do for the past four years). At the same time, obama has announced his intention to delay producing his budget -- again, required by law, and again, ignored with regularity and impunity -- from February until April (April Fool's joke, anyone?).

All these budgets popping up, and no one taking the lead in reconciling them. Isn't that what a president is supposed to do - lead?

Obama Is AWOL on the Budget - Again

Civil War officers used to say that you can’t lead from the rear. Thousands of them gave their lives, leading their men the only way they knew how. No one asks Barack Obama to give up more than an occasional game of golf, but he still can’t bring himself to lead. In one of his administration’s many low moments, a White House aide explained Obama’s style as “leading from behind,” as though he were proud of it.

The budget is a typical case in point. After four long years, Senate Democrats have finally been shamed into obeying the law and producing a budget ... The Republican House, meanwhile, will produce a budget as it does every year ... If the “regular order” is followed, it is possible–unlikely, but possible–that the House and Senate budgets can be reconciled through compromise in a conference committee, and the federal government might actually have a budget for the first time in years.

So where is Barack Obama in this process? Nowhere, apparently. By law, he was required to produce his budget in February. He missed that deadline; no surprise there, as Obama’s regard for laws of all kinds is slight. The White House said Obama’s budget would be produced in March, but now the date has been pushed back to April. One might think that, with Congressional Democrats finally getting into the budget game after four years, Obama would want to play a role. You might even think he would want to lead. But no: it appears that he has not coordinated even with the members of his own party on the Hill, and his budget, when it finally sees the light of day, will be an irrelevant afterthought.*

I once knew a judge who was pathologically incapable of making a decision. I felt sorry for him, but I always wondered: why on Earth would a man who would rather do almost anything than make a decision want to be a judge? Obama is a similar case. Why would someone who has no idea how to lead, who evidently has no desire to lead, want to be President of the United States?

* FYI - obama's previous budgets were unanimously rejected. Not even members of his own party voted for them.

A budget resolution based on President Obama’s 2013 budget failed to get any votes in the Senate on Wednesday.

In a 99-0 vote, all of the senators present rejected the president’s blueprint.

It’s the second year in a row the Senate has voted down Obama’s budget.

Obama's 2012 budget failed 97 to 0 last May...

Sigh...

Sunday Funnies 2013.03.10

It's Spring Break time! More on that later this week, but in the meantime...

Spring break—that’s when students take time off from football games, basketball games, dances, parties, and hanging out in bars, and go to Florida and relax.

Normal students go to exotic tropical locations for drink and debauchery. Other folks, however, celecrate Spring break differently. For Example:

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities

10. Drink molasses 'til you heave

9. Wet-bonnet contest

8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy

7. Buttermilk kegger

6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale

5. Get tattoo: "Born to Raise Barns"

4. Cruise streets in Ft. Lauderdale shouting insults at people with zippers

3. Sleep in until six A.M.

2. Drive over to Mennonite country and kick some butt

1. Churn butter naked

Here's what male students expect during Spring Break.

Here's what they actually get.

Here's the facultys' perception of students on Spring Break.

Here's the students' perception of faculty members on Spring Break.

Here's what everyone hopes for but never gets.

Regardless, I'm gonna have a good time...

Another Public School Overreacting To Guns

As most of us are aware, there's been a spate of over-reactions by the clueless dolts running our public schools when it comes to little kids and the matter of guns (examples here, here, here, here, and here).

Here's the latest instance of a school administration blindly acting without thinking when the topic of guns comes up.

(H/T to I think, therefore I am Libertarian for the image.)

Friday Follies Happy Hour 2013.03.08

Earlier this week -- March 6, to be exact -- was the 177th anniversary of the fall of the Alamo. It came at the end of a 13 day siege of the converted chapel and its badly outnumbered defenders. It took three attacks that fateful day, but Santa Anna's army eventually prevailed.

The enemy's victory was complete, yet his force was as sixteen to one, and his loss in slain nearly three times the entire number of the defenders. From the known character of Santa Anna, he doubtless rejoiced. Believing the war at an end, and Texas at his feet, he so announced it in his dispatches to his subordinates at home. And the authorities and people there believed it, and so congratulated him.

Those congratulations would prove to be premature. About six weeks later Santa Anna got his butt well and truly kicked by Sam Houston at the battle of San Jacinto - the decisive battle of the Texas Revolution that established the Republic of Texas.

One of my all-time favorite entertainers is Marty Robbins. One of my all-time favorite Marty Robbins songs is the Ballad of the Alamo. The guy could flat out write, sing, and pick. Just listen to the flamenco-style guitar work.

Celebrating International Women's Day

Today is International Women's Day. In recognition thereof, I offer the following.

Thank goodness my wife doesn't read this blog.