Sunday Funnies 2015.07.26

I don't want to say it's hot here, but...

It's so hot that:

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that it takes only two fingers to drive your car.

Your biggest fear is: 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hardboiled eggs.

Cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

Chickens are laying omlettes.

Directions on soup cans now say "Just pour and eat."

HEAT WAVES CAUSES RANCHERS TO SELL BARBECUE DIRECTLY FROM THE FIELD

Ranchers in Texas hit by sweltering heat are selling fully cooked barbecue right from the barn.

"We let the customer choose the cattle and then we hose it down with sauce and send it out into the pasture.  Within twenty minutes the barbecue is piping hot and ready to eat," said a Texas rancher.

Barbecue restaurants are crying foul over the direct sales of the product to the public.

"This damn heat wave is killing our business.  We can't compete with the lower overhead of the rancher when we provide our customers with a table, chairs and fans, as well as swatting flies," said waitress Flo Moore of the "Greasy Fat Dripping Spoon" restaurant in Amarillo.

The heat has also changed business for farmers who are using their former crop fields as giant baking pans for brownies.

"It's the only way I can put my land and this hellish heat to any use so I'm baking white chocolate, espresso brownies with macadamia nuts for those rip-off coffee houses, said a farmer outside of San Antonio.