You Should See The Other Guy

This morning I look somewhat like Dr. Frankenstein's creature. My face and head have cuts and gashes, and parts of my body are various shades of green and blue. Allow me to explain.

When men reach a 'certain age' we need to visit the restroom during the night. I have reached that 'certain age' (actually, I passed it a few years ago, but who's counting?). Each night around 3:00 a.m. I stumble out of bed and stagger down the hall. This ritual has become so ingrained that I no longer fully wake up. I just go on autopilot.

That works okay when nothing changes or is moved around. However, Sunday night the bath mat evidently got crumpled and folded over on itself. As I entered the bathroom to begin my nightly routine I tripped over it in the dark (no need to turn on the lights - autopilot, remember).

I fell headfirst onto the bathtub. That blow knocked me silly, because I could not regain my feet. My balance was shot to hell. It was like I'd drunk a couple of bottles of tequila. I would get about halfway up and then fall over again.

Eventually my wife heard the commotion and came to check on me. She found me floundering around on the floor, bleeding like a stuck pig. There was blood everywhere. She tried to help me up but all that did was succeed in pulling her on top of me. Normally that wouldn't be a bad idea, but last night was not the time for fooling around.

She eventually got me sorted out and back in bed*, but in the grim light of dawn the damage was evident. The bathroom looked like a slaughterhouse - bloody towels strewn about, with blood on the floor, tub, and walls. The bed wasn't much better. Sheets and pillow cases had to be scrubbed, presoaked, and laundered - twice.

As for me, I have a pretty good cut over one eye, a cut on the back of my head, a deep gash in my nose, and a cut ear that won't stop oozing, accompanied by a swollen and bruised neck, lumps on my head, and bruises up and down my right arm, side, and hip.

I was very lucky. I could easily have knocked out teeth, broken something, or done some other serious damage to myself. Luckily I just have to deal with a week or so of stiffness and soreness.

Oh yeah - I'm going nightlight shopping this afternoon...

* She tried to take me to the ER. I probably should have listened to her, but hey - I'm a guy. Unless I see bone I resist medical care, other than to wash down a couple of aspirins with a Shiner.

No, that's not me, But that's how I feel.