Sunday Funnies 2014.09.21

Our daughter came home for her first visit since leaving for college four weeks ago. She now has several metal things dangling from her ears that weren't there when she left - and I'm not talking about earrings.

No, it's not this bad. But it still was quite a shock.

Her mother pointed out that it could be a lot worse.

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Katy

That's not the only letter we've received from her.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your daughter, Katy

P.S. I felt so terrible, I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed that I could get it back. But it was too late.

I wrote her back: "Your prayers were answered. Your letter never arrived!"

Then there was this phone call:

Daughter: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”
Father: “What?”
Daughter: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?”
Father: “I certainly do.”
Daughter: “Well, I just saved you $500.”

Speaking of her mother, she is thrilled to have her baby back home, even if it's only for a weekend. She's bustling around the house, cooking our daughter's favorite meals, taking her out shopping, to lunch, and to the movies, and of course doing her laundry.

As for me, once I got over the shock of the ear piercings I peppered her with all sorts of questions about college life. How are her classes, what's it like living in the dorm, how's the food - in general, what's it like being a college student?

If there's one thing that sums up the experience of being her father, it's this t-shirt.