Wednesday, February 26, 2014

There's An App For Everything

For some time now I've been of the opinion that people have become overly dependent on their smart phones. For example, I carry paper maps in my truck, but just about everyone else I know uses some sort of GPS app to find their way around. That works great unless you're somewhere with problematic reception ... or your phone's battery is dead ... or you run off the road while peering at that tiny screen.

Now the app developers have taken advantage of our phones' built-in technology - the accelerometer and the microphone - to create Spreadsheets, a sex activity app that promises to "track your performance between the sheets."

The hardware (Hah!) keeps track of such things as "how many thrusts per minute you’re averaging, how long you go for, and exactly how loud it gets." The software lets you keep a record of encounters - dates, times and performance levels. It also allows you to forward that data as desired.
How does it work?
Spreadsheets monitors data from user’s movement and audio levels through the accelerometer and microphone to provide statistical and visual analysis of their performance in bed.

Spreadsheets does not record or playback audio or video. That would be creepy.

Where does my “data” go?

Spreadsheets activity specific data is stored securely on your mobile device. Your information is never relayed, backed up, or synced to the internet.

Can anyone see my data?

Only the people you share it with. Share it with your doctor if you’re trying to get pregnant. Share it with your nutritionist since you’re burning calories. Share it with your friends and let the facts speak for themselves.

You can also, if desired, share your data with the firm (Hah! again) for data aggregation purposes. In fact, a recent study based on Spreadsheets data ranked all 50 states to determine the longest and shortest durations of sexual activity by state.
Topping the list, by a large margin is New Mexico, where an act of love lasts just over 7 minutes...

Alaska limps in at number 51, with an apologetic 1 minute 21 seconds... (The District of Columbia was, for the purposes of this research, included as a state.)
Go here and scroll down for the entire list.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I prefer the old-fashioned methods of performance evaluation - the length and severity of scratches on my back, the frequency and volume of the phrase "Oh God Oh God Oh God, " and most importantly, whether my partner screams out my name or someone else's...


Harper said...

From the website, "7:45 pm is the peak recorded time for sexual encounters"

Seems to tell me what demographic uses the app. Young and childless and/or elderly (7:45 seems about right after an early bird dinner date).

I got news for the Spreadsheets folks, they are tracking the wrong metrics. I had a good laugh at the sample picture - 90 minutes of jackhammer sex hitting 102 dB...yeah, I think that guy lived above me in an apartment complex once. Never saw the same girl twice.

Old NFO said...

LOL, TMI there Tim... And I'm like you the old fashioned stuff works (and no batteries required)...

Toejam said...

Don't own a "smart phone", Don't know how to "text" Haven't a clue as to what an "app" does and the best is: I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F**K.

CenTexTim said...

Harper - Yeah, I saw that '90 minutes'. I figured they put the thing on the paint mixer at Home Depot. In fact, if you do the math (119 Thrusts Per Minute X 90 minutes) I doubt if either one of them would be able to walk.

NFO - "no batteries required" - Good one!

Toejam - Careful, you're starting to sound like my father... :-)