Sunday, February 23, 2014

Sunday Funnies 2014.02.23

Cleaning out the in-box...

We had a power outage yesterday. My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad, and surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat.

To top it off it was raining, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power. So I talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.

On his 70th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The gift was a consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' " When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in their bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes.

Then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

A ventriloquist is touring the country. He arrives at a small college town in California and begins his show.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands up on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells out:

"You stay out of this! ......I'm talking to that little shit on your lap"

I’m not the best looking guy. I'm on the downhill side of 50, a little overweight, and balding. Some would say I’m a little frayed around the edges. But I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.

I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.

All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet. As we lay there making love, I thought . . . .

“Wow, these tasers are really worth the money!!”

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.

The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame the old man is walking and the boy is riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who remarked,"What a shame, He makes that little boy walk. So they then decided they'd both walk.

Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who said, "How awful, putting such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, You might as well kiss your ass goodbye!

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