Sunday Funnies 2014.01.05

Most of the U.S. is blanketed by extreme cold today. How cold is it?

It's so cold that:

the optometrist is giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

the local flasher is just describing himself to women.

the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks just to blow on your hands.

we have to open the fridge to heat the house.

the Cowboys will win the Super Bowl this year. I mean, hell did just freeze over, right?

 It's as cold as my second ex-wife's heart.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

A little while later the boyfriend said 'My penls is frozen solid...'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she asked 'Have you ever heard of a penis, Mother?'

Concerned, the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

A non-Amish woman was riding in a car with her boyfriend on a cold and blustery day. As luck would have it, the car got a flat tire. The boyfriend got out and began to change it. After a few minutes he jumped back in the car and said "My hands are cold."

The girlfriend replied "Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands, then got back out and continued changing the tire. After a few minutes he jumped back in the car and again said "My hands are cold."

Once more the girlfriend replied "Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands, then got back out and continued changing the tire. A few minutes later he jumped back in the car for the third time and said "My hands are cold."

His girlfriend said, "Darling, aren't your ears cold yet?"