"The Rockefeller Center's Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It's the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants." --David Letterman
"The other night they had that Christmas in Washington holiday special. And you know, people in Washington, right away the bickering started. Lou Dobbs accused Santa of using illegal immigrant labor. Rush Limbaugh said the gifts were part of some kind of socialist give away program. The AFL-CIO claims that Santa underpays his elves, and of course, since it's Washington, you're not going to find three wise men and a virgin. So the whole thing was pretty much a disaster." –Jay Leno
"There are a lot of holiday parties coming up at the White House. Obama is getting ready to host the Administration's first Hanukkah party tomorrow. Kind of an embarrassing moment, though. Today, after they lit the menorah, Biden blew it out and made a wish." –Jimmy Fallon
"According to a recent poll, 22% of Americans now say, 'Happy Holidays.' The other 78% say, 'Feliz Navidad.'" –Jay Leno
"As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives." –Jay Leno
"President Obama and the first lady say they will not be exchanging gifts this Christmas. Mrs. Obama says they used to, but she got tired of Barack promising big things and not delivering." –Conan O'Brien
Q: What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
A: Snowballs.
Q: Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A: Because they were originally intended for children but the father wants to play with them.
Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A: Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
"I was so poor growing up, if I hadn't been a boy I'd have had nothing to play with on Christmas Day." -- Rodney Dangerfield
We were so poor when I was a child that at Christmas we exchanged glances.
I always get my loved ones petrol-soaked fake moustaches for Christmas. It’s such a joy to watch their faces light up!
I’ve just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas. Although what he wants with an ex box I’ll never know.
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