When It Rains It Pours

I mentioned earlier that we have a dog who is on light duty. She has a damaged tendon in her knee and the plan is to restrict her activity and hope it heals on its own so that surgery is unnecessary. That means she's only allowed outside to take care of business, and when she goes out she's on a leash so she doesn't run around and damage it further.

Last night I took her outside for her final head call right after the late news. After a few steps she jumped into the air and then fell onto her side and started yelping. Not little whimpers or whines, but loud, high-pitched, piercing yelps -- the kind of noise a dog makes when it is in some serious pain.

I picked her up and staggered inside (she's heavy). She continued to yelp and wouldn't put any weight on her leg (the damaged one, naturally). In fact, her paw was all gnarled up -- it looked like a shrunken monkey's paw -- and her entire leg was shaking. She wouldn't let us touch her paw. She wasn't even trying to lick it. She just laid there and yelped.

It's a very helpless feeling to see your dog in such pain, and to be unable to do anything to ease her suffering. We called our vet, who had a recorded message directing us to the nearest animal emergency clinic (remember, it's 10:30 at night).

So we bundled her into the car and headed into town. We live out in the country, and the clinic was about an hour away. Thankfully, traffic was light so I was making pretty good time. Then, about halfway there, the interstate was closed due to construction. At about the same time the dog started coughing - hard, dry, hacking, rasping coughs that shook her entire body.

My wife started getting upset. I started worrying that the dog was going to die in the back seat of my truck while we were stuck in traffic. Thankfully, the backup was short. Once we got back on the interstate I starting flying past the other vehicles. I guess the cops all had the night off, because I was doing 90+.

My wife phoned the clinic to let them know what the situation was. When we arrived they had a couple of technicians meet us in the parking lot and whisk the dog into the vet. We took care of the paperwork and then sat down to wait. One of the questions they asked us was whether or not we wanted CPR performed if the dog went into cardiac arrest. Needless to say, that did wonders for our state of mind.

About five minutes later the door to the examination room opened. Out bounded our mutt, tail wagging happily, ears flopping, and a big shit-eating doggie grin on her face. No trace of a limp.

What apparently happened is that she stepped on a scorpion. If you've ever been stung by one you know what it feels like -- a red-hot fishhook shoved deep into your flesh. Not only, that, but in dogs a scorpion sting also can cause the larynx to spasm, which results in that hacking cough. It's not fatal, or even dangerous, but it sure as hell sounds like it is. By the time all the excitement was over and we got back home it was around 1:00 in the morning - way past our usual bedtime.

So the mutt got a car ride and a shot, while we got a scare and a $107 bill.

Oh yeah -- this morning my 94-year-old father had a pacemaker implanted.

I had to be at the hospital at 8:00 a.m. It's an hour away (I swear, I think just about everything is an hour away from where we live), which meant I had to get up around 6:30. I am not a morning person, so it was a challenge to be there on time, presentable, and full of fake cheer.

The procedure went fine. His heart actually stopped once he was opened up, which apparently is an indicator that we got the pacemaker implanted just in time. The process is now relatively routine. The patient doesn't even get fully anesthetized, but instead receives a local painkilling injection and some sedation, similar to what you get when you have a wisdom tooth pulled. Dad came out of it okay, had a big meal, and was asking for a beer when I left. He gets released tomorrow, so that means another hour drive into town, an hour or two at the hospital, and then an hour drive home.

Finally, I am supposed to start an online seminar today on distance education. It's a two-week course that requires several hours of coursework and webinars daily. No problem - I'll take care of that in my spare time...

Oh well, things could be worse. The dog is fine, Dad is fine, the kids aren't in jail, and my wife's not pregnant. And Scott Walker kicked ass in the Wisconsin recall election.

Life's just one big friggin' bowl of cherries...