Sunday Funnies 2015.05.10

To all you mothers out there - have a great day!

Miss Jones had just given her second-grade students a science lesson. She had explained about magnets, and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time.

Miss Jones said, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy in the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!

Over the centuries mothers have given their children plenty of good advice; here are some examples.

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.  You could have written.

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family.  Do you know anything about this?

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...?

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

ME: Want to go on a hot date for Mother's Day?
WIFE: Sure! Will you watch the kids?

The quickest way for a mother to get her children's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

For All The Moms Out There

Tomorrow (Sunday, May 10) is Mother's Day. For all you slackers out there who have put off getting dear old Mom anything, who are short of funds and are now in a panic, I have the solution. Take Mom out to dinner.

I know what you're thinking. "It's too late to get reservations. And besides, I can't afford it anyway."

Fear not. Through diligent research I have found the answer to your dilemma.

Moms Eat Free at Hooters on Mother’s Day

Let the mother of all wing joints pick up your mom’s tab on May 10.

Hooters invites you to bypass the corny card aisle, skip the bubble bath and let mom escape the ordinary with a free meal at Hooters on Mother’s Day, Sunday, May 10.

Because nothing says "Happy Mother's Day" like a platter of chicken wings and a pitcher of beer, served by a scantily clad bimbo.

Dollars Down The Crapper

By now you're probably heard the liberal spin on the Baltimore riots.

In a speech on Monday at Lehman College in the Bronx, President Obama blasted the media for focusing on “looters and rioters” in the recent race riots in Baltimore and Ferguson before it, and said that they should instead be focusing on “those who are trying to solve the complex problems plaguing America’s cities.”

It’s not the “looters and rioters” destroying businesses that we should be focusing on ... what we should be considering is how we can improve the lives of “blacks and Latinos” who suffer a deficit of opportunity and are “trapped in failing schools.”  More investment in these communities is what is needed.

It’s important to provide the social support that can end the cycle of hopelessness.  Simply living in a wealthy country doesn’t give young people the opportunity they need to feel optimistic about their futures.  If we want to end the perpetual uprisings in our urban communities, we must stop turning a blind eye to the injustice right in front of us.

As usual, the progressives' arguments are long on emotion and short on facts. Here's a few doses of reality for them to chew on.

Federal and state money has been pouring into the city for decades. From fiscal years 2003 to 2013 (the last year for which these reports are available), Baltimore received at least $2.4 billion in federal assistance and another $1.8 billion in state aid. The city also received roughly $1.8 billion in federal stimulus money, of which more than $1.4 billion has been spent so far. And this doesn’t count the billions of dollars received directly by the people who live in Baltimore through various social welfare programs.

Yet nearly a quarter of the people in the city still live in poverty, 65 percent above the national level. We’ve clearly been throwing a lot of money at poverty in Baltimore without much result.

Part of the problem, unsurprisingly, is that the city does not make very good use of the money it receives.

In 2012, for example, Baltimore received $9.5 million in federal funds to deal with the city’s growing homeless problem. But according to an audit by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, the city did not properly monitor the homelessness funds, paid providers according to a preset formula rather than actual expenditures, lost track of money in several instances, and paid city staffers based on estimates, not the actual time they spent on grant activities. 

The city ended up having to repay nearly a third of the money. Not to worry, though: Baltimore expects to receive another $21.8 million in homelessness assistance this year.

Similarly, the city may end up having to repay a federal education grantdesigned to help the city’s poorest schools, after an audit by the Department of Education found that much of the money was actually used for dinner cruises, makeovers and meals.

And a new audit of a city program to help low-income families with heating and energy bills found that nearly 20 percent of payments were unsupported by paperwork, and others had missing or incorrect information. Some bills were paid multiple times, while still other payments were made to families that didn’t live in the city.

But it’s not just a question of waste, fraud and abuse. Even when the money was spent as intended, it has done little good.

Remember that $1.4 billion in federal stimulus spending? According to the government’s official website Recovery.gov, that spending generated just 64 jobs (excluding jobs not started) as of the fourth quarter of fiscal year 2013, the latest quarter tracked. (emphasis added)

The Washington Post reports how the federal and state governments spent more than $130 million rejuvenating the Sandtown area in Baltimore where Freddie Gray was arrested. Barely half of the working-age population is employed, according to a recent report from the Justice Policy Institute and the Prison Policy Initiative. 

The neighborhood lacks a supermarket or a single restaurant, not even a fast food outlet. More than 60 percent of people over 25 have less than a high school diploma, and almost half of current high school students are chronically absent. Life expectancy is 10 years lower than the national average.

Baltimore spends $16,578 a year per pupil in schools, roughly 52 percent above the national average, and the fourth most of any major city. The majority of that money comes not from the city itself but from the state and federal governments. 

Yet more than a quarter of Baltimore students fail to graduate from high school. Fewer than half of Baltimore high school students passed the last Maryland High School Assessment test. SAT scores for Baltimore students are more than 100 points below the national average.

There are few better routes out of poverty than a job. Fewer than 3 percent of those working full time live in poverty. Yet Maryland has one of the most anti-business tax and regulatory climates in the nation. And Baltimore adds its own layer of excessive taxes and regulatory bureaucracy.

And any effective anti-poverty program will try to reduce out-of-wedlock birth and single parenting. Households headed by a single mother are more than five times more likely to be poor compared with married-couple families, but in Baltimore two-thirds of the births in the city are to unmarried mothers, and almost 60 percent of households are headed by single parents. Yet our welfare system continues to discourage family formation.

Keep in mind that Baltimore has been ruled by democrats exclusively since 1967 - almost half a century. And yet their only solution is to throw more money at it.

That's tantamount to throwing money away.

Honk If You Love Prickly Pear

The prickly pear around here just started blooming.

The blossoms resemble roses. This leads many people think they are the fabled "Yellow Rose of Texas." In fact, the flowers are neither roses, nor the Yellow Rose of story and song.

They are, however, quite delicious.

Actually, it's not the blossoms that are tasty. It's the buds or pods that produce the flowers that are used to make jams, jellies, and drinks.

 My favorite use for prickly pear pods is to make margaritas. (Step by step instructions here.)

Furthermore, the fleshy paddles that the pods grow on can be eaten as well.

A nopal is a prickly pear cactus, thus the diminutive, nopalito, just means "little cactus." The word nopalito is used mainly in referring to diced, cooked cactus. Nopalitos are added to everything from scrambled eggs, to elegant pasta dishes.

Fresh nopals

Nopalitos con huevos. When I make this I usually add chorizo, cheese, and salsa.

There is even some evidence to suggest that nopalitos is a superfood.

Prickly pear cactus, also called nopales, is promoted for treating diabetes, high cholesterol, obesity and hangovers. It is also touted for its antiviral and anti-inflammatory properties.

Some preliminary evidence shows that prickly pear cactus can decrease blood sugar levels in people with type 2 diabetes. Research also suggests that prickly pear cactus extract may lessen the unpleasant effects of a hangover ... it is high in fiber, antioxidants and carotenoids.

In addition, during times of drought ranchers sometimes burn off the prickly pear's needles so that cattle can browse on them, a technique known as chamuscando.

Chamuscando, Spanish for “scorching,” involves burning off the needles from prickly pear cactus, so cattle can feed in cactus patches. The cactus pads are low in protein but as long as they aren’t dried up, they are high in vitamins and minerals.

So there you have it. The humble prickly pear cactus, a staple in western art and movies, is actually a beautiful and versatile plant. It is, however, not suitable for clothing.

Beach Body Ready?

I’m a little behind in posting this, but I’ve been busy (hey, retirement isn’t the bed of roses I thought it would be – but I digress).

Anyway, a little while back there was a brouhaha in the UK over a weight-loss company’s advertising campaign.

A petition calling for the removal of Protein World’s campaign on the grounds that it aims “to make [people] feel physically inferior to the unrealistic body image of the bronzed model” has received nearly 60,000 signatures.

The petition and related protests have caught the attention of the government agency that regulates advertising in the UK. The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) ordered the weight loss supplement campaign removed from Underground (subway) stations and banned it from appearing again “in its current form.”

The ASA will now determine if the campaign “breaks harm and offense rules or is socially irresponsible.”

Here’s the ‘socially irresponsible’ ads.

So the feminists and body-image activists triumphed over the evil, patriarchal corporation, effectively censoring what they deemed an “unrealistic” and “unhealthy” body standard.

Here’s what the head feminist had to say about the matter.

Writer and co-founder of the Vagenda blog, Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett, had returned from Cuba to jarring reverse-culture shock in the “dark, putrid bowels of London’s underground system.”

It was only after visiting Cuba, a totalitarian country where there are no advertisements, that she realized “how much my field of vision is occupied without my consent by images and messages that want to sell me stuff (and, being a woman, it’s usually based on claims that it will make me look better).”

Vagenda Blog ... sigh. Anyway:

The backlash against the ads by feminists and body-image activists became so virulent that the company received at least one bomb threat.

Richard Staveley, head of global marketing for Protein World, (said) there been "violent and physical threats" on the company's head office.

He said: "We've had a bomb threat. That's been reported to the police and is currently being investigated but I can't say anymore than that."

Isn’t that a little extreme? Whatever happened to peaceful protests?

Oh, wait ... never mind.

So we have death threats and government censorship against a company that did nothing but use a bikini model in a weight loss advertising campaign. Has everyone over there lost their friggin' minds?

The protesters may or may not have a valid point about unrealistic body images in our culture. But they’re way off base when they object to their ‘field of vision’ being occupied by what they feel are offensive images. To paraphrase an old saying, "Offensive Images are in the eye of the beholder."

Heck, my field of vision is occupied by plenty of offensive images daily.

Happy Cinco de Mayo 2015

There are a couple of ways to approach today. One, you can get upset at the fact that lots of people - Mexicans and Americans - are celebrating a Mexican holiday.

Or two, you can just go with the flow, pop open a cerveza fria, amd have a good time. I, for one, am not above using obscure Mexican battles to justify my drinking.

Hooray for Cinco de Mayo, the day America celebrates Mexico's victory over France

Some background: The Mexican army was about half the size of the French army. However, the Mexicans routed the French, who threw down their weapons and ran away, thus starting a French tradition that continues to this day.

Even though El Dia de la Batalla de Puebla is only celebrated regionally in Mexico, it's a big party in the United States. Sure, we import a lot of holidays here to the U.S., but why do Americans celebrate a holiday that most of Mexico ignores? And the answer -- just like it is to marital problems -- is heavy drinking.

May 5 celebrations in Mexico are mostly kept to the Puebla region where the battle occurred. But in the United States, it's a different holiday entirely. The modern celebration has become very popular among 10 people in Mexico and Americans who do whatever advertisers tell them ...

Some observations:

Cinco de Mayo commemorates the Mexican Army’s surprise victory over sobriety back in 1862.

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, it is the one day of the year when if you get pulled over for drunk driving, the police put salt around the rim of the breathalyzer.

For Cinco de Mayo, I went to an authentic Mexican restaurant. The waiter poured me a glass of water and advised me not to drink it.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.  In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank .... and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th.... and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo....

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.  'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun? What's a golf gun?' asked the first detective.

'I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.'

FOD 2015.05.04

Poor barry. His star has fallen so far that even a relatively simple decision about where to build his presidential temple library is controversial.

As a sort of farewell present to the city he adopted as his political base but will leave for more glamorous New York City after his presidency, the Barack Obama Presidential Library is to be built on parkland taken from the citizens of Chicago.

The controversy arises in part because Chicago had regulations restricting construction in its parks, particularly those bordering on Lake Michigan. However, former obama chief of staff Rahm Emmanuel and buddies in the Illinois state legislature have pushed through legislation  green-lighting the use of public land for the library.

... taking the parkland is questionable, and likely to be fought in court by the group Friends of the Parks, so the State Legislature has passed a special law:

State lawmakers attempted to head off further legal wrangling over whether the library could be built on public land last week, when legislation aimed at providing legal protections for the library was quickly passed.

Ah, yes - Chicago politics. That place is nothing if not corrupt.

And deadly.

There are two potential sites under consideration, both in the crime-ridden South Side of the city, currently home to a horrific crime wave costing the lives of many young minorities.

Regarding the contents of the temple library, a Chicago columnist has some suggestions.

What I propose for the Obama library are real exhibits.

Like the presidential mommy jeans he wore when throwing out the first pitch at an MLB All-Star Game. Or an interactive exhibit where visitors determine how many days Obama was in office before he was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. And a map of all the 57 states he said he visited during his 2008 campaign.

Also, what about an animatronic interactive Obama Bowing Game, to see if you, too, can bow your head low like the president, or maybe just some obsequious peasant, groveling before the king of Saudi Arabia or the emperor of Japan.

Interactive games like 'Rezko Monopoly,' the 'You didn't build that Sim City,' and 'Blame Bush Trivia'...

Don't forget a 'forked tongue' sculpture memorializing his infamous "If you like your healthcare plan you can keep your healthcare plan" lie.

As for the design of the library itself, here's a couple of ideas.

Sunday Funnies 2015.05.03

I am happily married.

I am happily married.

I am happily married.

Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together, and difficult to exit.

Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out.

Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Marriage is like waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park. You spend 99% of the time pissed off for 1% of intense pleasure.

Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.

Marriage is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat.

Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

Marriage is like a beanbag; comfortable for a while then bloody difficult to get out of.

Three women - one engaged, one married and one a mistress - are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.


The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."


The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."


The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

A young lady visited a matchmaker and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"

The matchmaker said, "Your requirements, please."

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The matchmaker listened carefully and replied,"I understand. You need a television."

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

A: They are hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time!

PC Assholes Strike Again

I live in a small Central Texas town. It's about 30 miles away from another small Central Texas town - Blanco, Texas. It's a lovely, quiet place, where the biggest news has been the renovation of the local Dairy Queen.

Blanco's Dairy Queen is in the midst of a complete makeover that should be completed in approximately six to seven more weeks. Construction workers have gutted the existing building in preparation for a total rebuild that will result in an essentially new facility. Local employees are working at other area DQ's during the renovation process.

But Blanco, like many other Central Texas towns, is threatened by the growth of large cities like San Antonio and Austin, which are sprawling out of control and threatening to overrun the small country townships. In reaction to the potential change to the character of the town, a candidate running for mayor adopted the slogan "Keep Blanco Blanco."

The meaning is obvious: retain the small town character of the place, and oppose the influx of 'big city' influences.

That is, obvious to all except PC idiots.

Blanco mayoral contender Bruce Peele insists he intended no racial connotation in his campaign slogan, “Keep Blanco 'Blanco,’” which he coined in his bid to unseat incumbent Mayor Chuck Homan in the May 9 election.

But since “blanco” means “white” in Spanish, some people have remarked on social media postings that the phrase could be read to mean “Keep Blanco White.”

“You're the first person who even suggested it has racial overtones,” Peele said Thursday when advised of the online debate about the slogan, which appears on 100 of his signs.

FYI, Blanco is about 40 miles north of San Antonio. It's name is derived from the white limestone that is prevelant throughout the area. The river that passes through town was named the Rio Blanco for that reason by a Spanish expedition in 1721.

“Obviously, I apologize if anybody took my slogan the wrong way,” he said. “It was intended to mean, 'Keep Blanco the way it is’ … to maintain its rural character.”

Councilwoman Maria Guerrero said the racial interpretation of Peele's slogan “never crossed my mind,” adding of Peele, “There's not a racist bone in his body.”

When Peele unveiled the slogan, she recalled, “He said people want (the town) to stay small. They don't want it to change. They want to keep the big box stores out.”

But in today's world, it is possible to twist anything to have a racial connotation.

Damn all those Politically Correct assholes...

Surprise! I'm A Racist!

Two days ago I celebrated a Baltimore mother for disciplining her son because he was peacefully protesting chunking rocks at police. I thought it was a good thing that a parent was removing her child from harm's way while at the same time pointing out the error of his ways.

Now I find out that my approval of her behavior is racist.

Why is America celebrating the beating of a black child?

It’s not surprising that a black mother in Baltimore who chased down, cursed and beat her 16-year-old son in the middle of a riot has been called a hero...

... (The mother's) message to America is: I will teach my black son not to resist white supremacy...

There's more similar nonsense at the link, but I won't waste my time or yours by reposting it here. If you really want to read the ramblings of an angry black woman totally detached from reality, feel free to go there.

In the meantime, here's more racist perspectives on the peaceful protests riots.