Sunday Funnies 2015.01.11

Most of the nation is experiencing cold weather this weekend - even down here in Texas. Here's a few jokes to take your mind off the weather.

"It's so cold that:

... flashers are carrying pictures."

... my car won't start running and my nose won't STOP!"

... cops yell 'thaw!' when chasing bad guys."

... my lawn jockey asked to borrow a blanket."

... Miley Cyrus had to put her clothes back on."

... gangsters have pulled their pants up."

... the weather map looks like an algebra worksheet — lots of small, negative numbers."

My wife told me that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

Speaking of my wife, she said that snow in Texas reminds her of dating. You never know how many inches you're going to get, or how long it's going to last.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penls is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again and she asked 'Have you ever heard of a penis, Mother?'

Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!

Driving when it snows in Texas

A Ray Of Sunshine

Okay, enough islamic terrorist related gloom and doom for now. It's a football weekend, what with the NFL playoffs Saturday and Sunday, and the collegiate national championship* Monday night.

(I've asterisked the so-called national championship because at least two teams - TCU and Baylor - who have a pretty good shot at defeating both Oregon and Ohio State were excluded from the playoff for no good reason. Both are small market schools with a small national following, compared to the football factory schools that were selected. IMO the fix was in.)

Anyway, I'm conflicted this weekend. I was raised a Cowboys fan (way back when, in the days of Tom Landry and Dandy Don Meredith), and those roots are hard to ignore. But I despise Jerry Jones. So I find myself torn between cheering for the 'Boys and rooting against that asshole Jerry. The good news is that I'll have something to celebrate no matter if they win or lose.

I really don't feel strongly about the other teams, except that I hate the Seahawks (Pete Carroll is a world-class jerk), don't care for the Jaguars (Cam Newton is a conceited prima donna), can't stand the Ravens (any organization that makes a hero out of a murderous felon - Ray Lewis - deserves nothing but scorn, and John Harbaugh is obnoxious), dislike the Patriots (Bill Belichick is a grouch, but Tom Brady is okay - and his wife is hot!), and refuse to root for the Colts because of the way they shafted Baltimore back in 1984.

That leaves three teams - the aforementioned Cowboys; their opponents this weekend, the Green Bay Packers; and the Denver Broncos.

Like I said, when it comes to the Cowboys I'm ambivalent. I like the Packers. Aaron Rodgers and Mike McCarthy seem like decent, honorable people worthy of respect and admiration. But I'll be pulling for the Denver Broncos to win it all, for one simple reason.

Peyton Manning.

Woman's Letter to Peyton Manning Results in Surprise Call

A woman in Alaska sent a letter to legendary NFL quarterback Peyton Manning and never expected what would happen three months later, when she received a phone call from police.

The IndyStar reports that Indiana native Kristen Patterson penned a letter to Manning on September 21 on behalf of her husband, Army Sgt. Ryan Patterson, asking the star quarterback if there was any way he would be willing to meet Ryan. Her letter stood out to Manning, but she forgot to leave contact information, and with the couple living in North Pole, Alaska, it took Manning three months to finally track them down.

Patterson’s letter read:

Dear Mr. Manning,

My name is Kristen Patterson. I am writing to ask a question. You see my husband is a HUGE fan, and when I say HUGE I mean it. He is currently serving our country in the United States Army and has deployed twice to Afghanistan. He would set alarms to wake up at odd hours in the night just to listen to your football games. We recently had to move across the country for the Army and he tried to get us stationed in Colorado just so he could ensure that he would never miss your games.

We will be attending the Bengals vs. Broncos game on December 22, 2014, while home for the holidays, and it would mean so much to my husband if you might be able to find the time to just even say hello, not to mention it would make me to coolest wife ever of all time. I know you are a busy man, and if you can’t, it will be ok. I just thought I might ask in the rare chance that you might agree to this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Sincerely,

Kristen Patterson

Manning was so touched after reading the letter that he had his public relations team find out how to get in touch with Patterson. Three months later, she received a call from the Alaska State Troopers.

“When I got a call from (an Alaska) State Trooper they asked if I wrote a letter to Peyton Manning,” Patterson said, according to 9News. She added that she was initially confused by the call, which Manning had arranged for the police to make to help keep the meeting a secret from her husband.

“They said the Denver Broncos were trying to get a hold of me,” she continued. “When I sent it, you never know if someone is going to read it or if it is going to be tossed in a pile. So I thought they never read it, no big deal.”

After getting off the phone, Patterson told her husband that it was about a police dog demonstration at the school where she works to help continue the secret. She was able to keep her husband in the dark about it until they arrived in Cincinnati at the Broncos team hotel on December 21.

“I was trying to keep it as a surprise, but I’m a horrible liar and I couldn’t think of a reason why we would be going to a hotel,” she said. “It would have been really hard to keep it (a secret), plus he needed time to process everything.”

Not all was lost, however, as Ryan just thought they would be doing the typical meet-and-greet in the hotel lobby with the rest of the fans who had gathered. However, much to Ryan’s surprise, the Pattersons were escorted up an escalator to a private conference room.

“The team’s flight was delayed, so I was pacing the room like I was expecting a child. I saw (Manning) come up the escalator and my first reaction was he is at least 15 feet tall, if not taller,” Ryan said. He added that Manning introduced himself and played with Patterson’s young daughter for a moment or so, then thanked him for his service. The family also took pictures with Manning, and he gave Ryan a signed football.

Ryan and his wife said that Manning was personable, approachable, and most importantly, genuine. “He seemed genuinely tickled that we lived in North Pole, Alaska. He said, ‘You guys are really hard to find,'” Ryan said.

Manning shook Ryan’s hand and again thanked him for his service. In return, Ryan thanked Manning for being his quarterback.

As for the couple, it seems as if meeting one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the NFL isn’t something they’ll soon forget.

“(Kristen) enjoyed the fact that she is the greatest wife ever and there was nothing I could ever do to top this,” Ryan said. “If you asked me who is the one person, anybody in the world, I want to meet, I would immediately say Peyton Manning and she made that happen.”

Peyton Manning has always been a class act, but to see him go to such great lengths in order to make a soldier’s dream come true is awesome and refreshing.

Class act, indeed.

Peyton Manning with the Pattersons

Friday Follies Happy Hour 2015.01.09

In all the excitement over the events in France, the fact that yesterday was Elvis Presley's 80th birthday got overlooked. To make up for that oversight, here's a blast from the King's past.

More Charlie Hebdo Fallout

Randomly selected fallout from the Charlie Hebdo attack ... well, it's not entirely random. It's from articles that caught my eye, for one reason or another. And granted, I cherry-picked the excerpts from the articles. But I think they do a pretty good job of illustrating the two opposing schools of thought regarding islam and the civilized world's perspective on it.

The first is an op-ed piece written by Anjem Choudary, a muslim cleric (or, as USA Today describes him, "a radical Muslim cleric ... and a lecturer in sharia.") (emphasis added)

Why did France allow the tabloid to provoke Muslims?

Contrary to popular misconception, Islam does not mean peace but rather means submission to the commands of Allah alone. Therefore, Muslims do not believe in the concept of freedom of expression ... In an increasingly unstable and insecure world, the potential consequences of insulting the Messenger Muhammad are known to Muslims and non-Muslims alike.

That pretty much says it all. A leading muslim cleric acknowledges that islam is not, and never has been, a religion of peace. Muslims do not and never will accept freedom of expression. If non-muslims do or say something that offends muslims (and God knows that could be just about anything) we can expect some sort of violent reaction. That makes it difficult to have any sort of civilized interaction with them.

So how should we deal with the religion of non-peace. CNN, the British Attorney General, and our very own barack hussein obama have some suggestions.

First, CNN:

CNN is not showing detailed images of cartoons from the Charlie Hebdo magazine that could be viewed as offensive to Muslims, CNN senior editorial director Richard Griffiths said in a message sent to CNN staff Wednesday afternoon.

Although we are not at this time showing the Charlie Hebdo cartoons of the Prophet considered offensive by many Muslims, platforms are encouraged to verbally describe the cartoons in detail. This is key to understanding the nature of the attack on the magazine and the tension between free expression and respect for religion.

Video or stills of street protests showing Parisians holding up copies of the offensive cartoons, if shot wide, are also OK. Avoid close-ups of the cartoons that make them clearly legible.

It's also OK to show most of the protest cartoons making the rounds online, though care should be taken to avoid examples that include within them detailed depictions of the Charlie Hebdo cartoons.

To be fair, CNN is not the only media outlet censoring the Charlie Hebdo images.

Griffiths' memo comes after several news organizations came under fire for censoring various Charlie Hebdo cartoons that depict Muhammad. The Associated Press, The New York Daily News and The Telegraph were among those that blurred or cropped photos of the covers.

(Updated to add this link, which explores the issue in more depth.)

And these spineless media milksops have the unmitigated gall to proclaim "Je suis Charlie."

Not even close, you craven cowards.

Speaking of cravens, the Attorney General of Great Britain - Jeremy Wright - is applying pressure on Twitter and Facebook to remove so-called Islamophobic and racist comments from their websites.

Jeremy Wright said he wanted to meet social media companies to urge them to take down bigoted messages – and warn they could be prosecuted if they refused.

That's the biggest UK capitulation since Neville Chamberlain.

Jeremy Wright may be an appeaser extraordinaire, but he's not even close to the appeaser-in-chief currently wasting oxygen in the Oval Office.

Obama White House can't admit Paris attacks 'Islamic terrorism'

They shouted in Arabic  “Allahu Akbar” (Allah is Greatest) and “We are avenging the Prophet Mohammed” as they sprayed their victims with hundreds of bullets from their semi-automatic weapons.

Their “victims” were the top editorial cartoonists of the satirical Charlie Hebdo magazine, who had dared to practice their right of free speech.  Their offense?  Publishing cartoons deemed “offensive” by Muslim leaders around the world. The perpetrators? Islamic terrorists. 

Yet in the immediate hours after the murders in Paris, the response from western leaders was scurrilously predictable in their refusal to describe the attack as an “Islamic terrorist attack.” 

Indeed, the responses from our own president, French President Hollande and British Prime Minster David Cameron all spouted the same empty pabulum in asserting that the Paris attack had nothing to do with Islam or any religion for that matter. But the hollow comments coming from our own leaders are steeped in the stench of appeasement and cowardice. (emphasis added, because I agree with that statement 100%).

The first comments came from Josh Earnest, the White House spokesman, who refused to even call the massacre an act of terrorism, but made sure to add the now typical non-sequitor  which now routinely follows Islamic terrorist attacks,  that “Islam is a religion of peace” and therefore no should associate with the “extremists” in Paris with Islam.

Note how barry and his followers disagree with the muslim cleric quoted at the beginning of this post. Who do you think has a better understanding of the nature of islam, Western politicians, or an islamic religious scholar and leader?

Then President Obama issued his own statement, but in keeping with his administration’s 6 year old prohibition on using the term “Islamic terrorism,” he simply referred to the attack as “terrorism” -- a vanilla term conspicuously devoid of any descriptive term explaining the motivation behind the attack. Thus, to the proverbial Martian it literally could have been eco-terrorism, white supremacist terrorism, or narco-terrorism.  (But admittedly, calling this an act of “terrorism” was a step up from the classification of Major Nidal Hassan’s similar massacre at Fort Hood as “workplace violence.”) 

Idiot, hypocrite, or undercover muslim?

We've seen that appeasement and cowardice doesn't work. It only emboldens our enemies, resulting in more and more terrorist attacks. So how should we respond?

Here's one idea. Of course, it will send liberals, the media, and politicians into a frenzy, but at this point who gives a damn.

We must stop blaming ourselves for Islamist terror

It is tempting to think the Islamic fanaticism is purely a reaction to the West, but jihadists kill because that is what they do.

 We’d forgotten about Charlie Hebdo. In 2011, the satirical magazine, firmly rooted in the anti-clericalism of the French left, was firebombed after it published an edition poking fun at Islam: “100 lashes if you don’t die of laughter”, read the cover.

At the time, unthinkable in the light of today’s attack on Charlie’s office, there was “debate” over whether the magazine’s cartoonists and editors had “gone too far”.

Bruce Crumley, a correspondent for Time, rushed to condemn not the bombers, but the scribblers.

“Not only are such Islamophobic antics [as publishing cartoons] futile and childish,” he wrote, “but they also openly beg for the very violent responses from extremists their authors claim to proudly defy in the name of common good. What common good is served by creating more division and anger, and by tempting belligerent reaction?”

Way to go, Bruce. Blame the victims, and suggest that we muzzle ourselves and restrict one of our most basic rights.

Underlying all this was a persistent assumption. Islamist attacks are only ever reactions, only ever brought about by provocation from the West. All the way back to the Ayatollah Khomeini’s contract on the head of Salman Rushdie in 1989, we have accepted the idea that it is up to authors, artists and cartoonists to justify themselves in the face of threats and real violence.

If the rise of Isil has taught the world one thing, it is that the provocation is beside the point. Jihadists kill because that is what they do. It does not matter if you are a French cartoonist or a Yezidi child, or an aid worker or journalist: if you are not one of the chosen few, you are fair game. Provocation is merely an excuse used by bullies to justify their actions, while ensuring the world bows to their will.

I sure wish libs and media commentators could wrap their teeny little heads around that paragraph. What provocation did the girls in Nigeria commit that warranted their kidnapping by Boko Haram? Was vaccinating children sufficient provocation to justify the murder of health care workers by muslims in Pakistan, Nigeria, and elsewhere? How did the Boston Marathon provoke the muslim Tsarnaev brothers? Just yesterday I posted many other examples.

No, I think it has become quite obvious. Jihadists kill because that is what they do.

A Sobering Top 10 List

Another 'Best of 2014' list. This one, unfortunately, is quite timely, given yesterday's attack on Charlie Hebdo.

Top 10 Jihad Stories of 2014

10. The abduction of the Nigerian schoolgirls

Abubakar Shekau, the leader of the Nigerian jihad group ... known as Boko Haram, disgusted and horrified the world last May, and even provoked a Michelle Obama hashtag (BFD...), by abducting over three hundred schoolgirls and selling them into sex slavery.

9. Britain’s capitulation on Muslim rape gangs

Britain’s Birmingham Mail reported in November that Birmingham’s City Council buried a report about Muslim cab drivers exploiting non-Muslim girls back in 1990.

 ... the report was shelved, buried, it was never made public. I was shocked to be told that copies of the report were to be destroyed and that nothing further was to be said. Clearly, there was something in this report that someone in the department was worried about.

Authorities were worried because (the) report illustrated that virtually all of the exploitative cab drivers were “Asians,” the British media euphemism for Muslims, and their victims were “white,” i.e., non-Muslim. The exploitation of these girls stems from Qur’an-based religious beliefs, but British officials were terrified because stopping this exploitation would appear “racist.”

8. The Bergdahl trade

The British weren’t the only ones capitulating. When he announced on May 31 the exchange of five Guantanamo detainees for Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, who had been held by Islamic jihadists in Afghanistan since 2009, Barack Obama declared that the swap was “a reminder of America’s unwavering commitment to leave no man or woman in uniform behind on the battlefield.” However, as ever more damning information came to light about both the deal and Bergdahl himself, it became increasingly clear that the prisoner exchange was actually a reminder of Barack Obama’s unwavering commitment to appeasing and aiding jihadis.

The freed jihadis included, according to the Associated Press, “Abdul Haq Wasiq, who served as the Taliban deputy minister of intelligence”; “Khairullah Khairkhwa, who served in various Taliban positions including interior minister and had direct ties to Mullah Omar and Osama bin Laden”; and “Mohammad Fazl, whom Human Rights Watch says could be prosecuted for war crimes for presiding over the mass killing of Shiite Muslims in Afghanistan in 2000 and 2001.”

Even more disturbing were the questions swirling around Bergdahl himself. Former infantry officer Nathan Bradley Bethea, who served with Bergdahl, wrote in the Daily Beast that “Bergdahl was a deserter, and soldiers from his own unit died trying to track him down.” Refuting reports that Bergdahl got separated from his unit while on patrol, Bethea declared: “Make no mistake: Bergdahl did not ‘lag behind on a patrol,’ as was cited in news reports at the time. There was no patrol that night. Bergdahl was relieved from guard duty, and instead of going to sleep, he fled the outpost on foot. He deserted. I’ve talked to members of Bergdahl’s platoon—including the last Americans to see him before his capture. I’ve reviewed the relevant documents. That’s what happened.”

By the year’s end, the results of the investigation of Bergdahl’s conduct have – as the most pessimistic among us could have predicted – not been released.

7. The Islamic State beheadings

Bergdahl was one of the few captives of jihadis to come home alive. The Islamic State shocked and appalled the world as it carried out a series of beheadings of hostages and other prisoners, including Americans James Foley, Steven Sotloff, and Peter Kassig, and Britons David Haines and Alan Henning.

The White House response to these atrocities took on a clockwork predictability. Obama might as well have had a form ready for the next one: all he would have had to do would have been to fill in the blank and then take to the airwaves to say that the latest bloodshed had nothing to do with Islam.

6. The Oklahoma beheading

On September 21, the Islamic State’s spokesman, Abu Muhammad Al-Adnani, urged Muslims to murder non-Muslims in the West. “Rely upon Allah,” he thundered, “and kill him in any manner or way however it may be.”

Five days later, Jah’Keem Yisrael (formerly Alton Alexander Nolen) beheaded one of his coworkers and was shot while in the process of trying to behead another in Vaughan Foods, a food processing plant in Moore, Oklahoma. No one made the connection between his actions and al-Adnani’s call, despite the fact that Yisrael’s Facebook was full of admiring material about the Islamic State, the Taliban and al-Qaeda. The beheader even had a graphic photo of a beheading captioned with another Qur’anic beheading verse (8:12) on his Facebook page.

Authorities did not classify his action as terrorism...

5. The Canadian jihad strikes

In October, Canada experienced two murderous jihad terror attacks in three days. Ahmad Rouleau, a convert to Islam, hit two Canadian soldiers with his car, murdering Warrant Officer Patrice Vincent. Then he led police on a high-speed chase, during which he called 911 and explained that he was doing it all “in the name of Allah.” The chase, and Rouleau’s jihad, ended when he flipped his car and then, brandishing a knife, charged police, who shot him dead.

Two days later, another Muslim, Michael Zehaf-Bibeau, went on a shooting rampage in Ottawa, murdering military reservist Corporal Nathan Cirillo and engaging in a gun battle inside Canada’s Parliament building. He had threatened to strike “in the name of Allah in response to Canadian foreign policy.”

4. The Australian chocolate shop jihad attack

On December 15, a Muslim cleric, Man Haron Monis, took hostages inside the Lindt Chocolate Café in Sydney, Australia’s central pedestrian mall, Martin Place. He forced some of the hostages at gunpoint to hold up the black flag of Islamic jihad against a window of the café. The flag says in Arabic, “There is no god but Allah, and Muhammad is his prophet” – the Islamic confession of faith. Ultimately, he and two hostages were killed.

Man Haron Monis was on bail for involvement in the honor murder of his ex-wife. He was charged with sexual assault. He had pleaded guilty to sending harassing letters to the families of Australian servicemen slain in Afghanistan. He had also pleaded guilty to sending offensive letters to the families of Australian soldiers killed in Afghanistan.

But none of that rose to any significant level of concern for Australian authorities — he was not on the terror watch list. After all, Australian officials knew Islam to be a Religion of Peace, and too much scrutiny of its more unsavory adherents could well be “Islamophobic.”

3. The New York City cop killing

When Ismaaiyl Abdullah-Muhammad, aka Ismaaiyl Abdullah Brinsley, murdered NYPD Officers Rafael Ramos and Wenjian Liu as they ate lunch in their patrol car on December 20, the only people who could possibly have been surprised were those who have not realized how assiduously leftist and Muslim activists have worked – long before the deaths of Michael Brown and Eric Garner — to demonize the NYPD and law enforcement in general. The advent of the killer was only a matter of time.

It has been only lightly reported that Brinsley was a Muslim, and generally when it was mentioned it has been dismissed as a motive in favor of his statements about wanting to kill police officers to avenge Garner and Brown. But these two motivations – revenge for the perceived racist killings of two black men and Brinsley’s Islamic faith – are not mutually exclusive. Brinsley’s Facebook page featured a photo of the Qur’an open to the eighth chapter, where Allah exhorts the believers to “strike terror into the hearts of the enemies of Allah” (8:60).

2. The vilification of Ayaan Hirsi Ali and Bill Maher

Brandeis University had planned to award an honorary degree to Ayaan Hirsi Ali (she is a Somali-born American activist, writer and politician known for her views critical of female genital mutilation and Islam ... Hirsi Ali was named by Time magazine as one of the 100 most influential people in the world. She has also received several awards, including a free speech award from the Danish newspaper Jyllands-Posten, the Swedish Liberal Party's Democracy Prize, and the Moral Courage Award...) at its commencement ceremony this year, but after a smear campaign led by the Hamas-linked Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR) and other Islamic supremacist groups last April the university issued a statement announcing the predictable result: the honorary degree would not be given.

Bill Maher was scheduled to give the fall commencement address at the University of California-Berkeley, but Muslim students there have begun an ultimately unsuccessful petition drive to get him canceled.

The campaign against Maher was called “Free Speech, Not Hate Speech.”

The fact that this happened to Bill Maher, despite his impeccable leftist credentials, shows that it can and will happen to anyone who dares to criticize Islam.

1. The Islamic State’s declaration of the caliphate

The biggest jihad news of 2014 came when the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) renamed itself as the Islamic State and declared that it constituted the restoration of the caliphate ... The restoration of the caliphate has for decades been the central goal of jihad groups worldwide.

The Islamic State’s claim of restoring the caliphate has proven so compelling that thousands of Muslims from the West have gone to Iraq and Syria to join it, and others in Western countries have heeded its calls to wage jihad against non-Muslims right at home.

Meanwhile, Western government and media elites persist in denying and ignoring the problem. That only means that 2015 promises to be even bloodier than 2014.

In related news, as I said yesterday, the media has begun blaming the victims of the attack because they crossed some imaginary line.

Reporting live on CNN, Wolf Blitzer accused Charlie Hebdo of occasionally going “over the line” in their satirical criticisms of current events.

The comment came as Blitzer was detailing the Islamic terrorist attack against the Charlie Hebdo office, which resulted in the deaths of 10 staff members and two police officers.

Asshole...

Here's a quote I wish the media would take to heart.

Charlie Hebdo - First Thoughts

I'm sitting in my office watching the talking heads on CNN cover the most recent terrorist attack in France (12 killed in an attack on the editorial office of Charlie Hebdo, a French satirical magazine). The magazine has in the past published articles and cartoons mocking islam, or at least the form of islam practiced by extremists. The attack appears to be in retaliation for those articles and cartoons.

More on the attack and its implications later, but what jumped out at me in the coverage so far has been statements by the CNN 'reporters.'

Speculating on the well-planned and executed nature of the attack, one TH (Talking Head) said something along the lines of 'The gunmen appear to be well trained - perhaps former members of the French Army.' (Note: this and the subsequent quotes are not necessarily word-for-word. They are based on my best recollection of what was said. The wording may not be exact, but the gist is accurate.)

The same bozo TH went on to wonder where the gunmen got their weapons: 'After all, France isn't a country where you can go to the local WalMart and buy an AK-47.'

Another clown TH, while paying lip service to freedom of expression, proclaimed that the magazine has published 'ugly and scurrilous' articles and cartoons that were offensive to muslims. A second TH characterized the magazine's cartons as 'over the top.'

You can see where this is going. Anyone who ever served in the military is suspect. Lax gun control laws lead to mass shootings. Freedom of expression is allowed, as long as it doesn't offend anyone.

And make no mistake. The magazine can generously be described as tasteless (see the examples below). But as the now-dead editor said after the publication's offices were firebombed in 2011, 'My pen has never killed anyone.' (Here and here).

English translation: "100 lashes if you don't die laughing!"

English translation: "bin laden is alive!"

It is worth noting that Charlie Hebdo has also satirized other religions as well, including Christianity and Judaism. However, an extensive Google search failed to turn up any violent attacks by Christians and Jews on the magazine.


So much for the 'religion of peace'...

Busy

Busy busy busy ... my elderly father has some health issues that require attention. Nothing serious (we hope), but certainly time-consuming. So I'm killing two birds with one stone - keeping things simple here, while at the same time clearing out my in-box.

Enjoy!

Zero Tolerance = Zero Intelligence

It's that time of the year when we're bombarded by retrospective lists looking back at 'the best' or 'the worst' of 2014. Here's my contribution - the Top 10 dumbest examples of the policy favored by 9 out of 10 idiot school administrators: Zero Tolerance.

1. Student, 13, shares lunch, gets detention

A 13-year-old boy at Weaverville Elementary School in California shared his school lunch (a chicken burrito) with a hungry friend. For this, he got detention. Superintendent Tom Barnett explained, "Because of safety and liability we cannot allow students to actually exchange meals.”

2. Sunscreen not allowed on field trip—kids might drink it

A San Antonio, Texas, school forbid students to bring sunscreen on a field trip. Why? According to spokeswoman Aubrey Chancellor, "We can’t allow toxic things to be in our schools.” The children, "could possibly have an allergic reaction (or) they could ingest it. It’s really a dangerous situation.”

3. Kindergarten cancels its year-end show to allow more time for college prep

A letter home from the Harley Avenue Primary School in Elwood, New York, read, in part: "The reason for eliminating the Kindergarten show is simple. We are responsible for preparing children for college and career with valuable lifelong skills and know that we can best do that by having them become strong readers, writers, coworkers and problem solvers."

4. Teacher suspended on weapons charge for demonstrating carpentry tools

A second grade teacher at Chicago's Washington Irving Elementary School was suspended for four days without pay for bringing screwdrivers, wrenches and other shop tools to class, and demonstrating how to use them. These are dangerous items.

5. School bus driver loses job for keeping kids warm when bus breaks down

This one's in Canada! On a day when the windchill dipped to -34 Fahrenehit, school bus driver Kendra Lindon's bus broke down. Knowing it could take a long time for a replacement to arrive—and that kids would be waiting outside till it did—she picked up the few children on her route (including her son) in her SUV. A neighbor noticed two kids sitting in the cargo hold without seat belts and called the bus company. She was promptly fired.

6. 79-year-old substitute teacher fired for having student-friends on Facebook

Carol Thebarge was a substitute teacher at Stevens High School in Claremont, New Hampshire, for nine years and was friends with about 250 current students on Facebook. She was told to unfriend them or lose her job. She chose to lose her job. Superintendent Middleton McGoodwin told the press, "She’s loved by many, but that doesn’t give you allowance to ignore a protocol designed to protect all.”

7. Student suspended for slicing apple with knife during health food demonstration

Da'von Shaw, a Bedford, Ohio, high school student, brought apples and craisins to school for a "healthy eating" presentation. When he took out a knife to slice an apple, his teacher told him he was not allowed to use it. He immediately handed it over to her. Case closed? Nope. Later that day he was suspended for a week because he brought a weapon to school.

8.  School goes on lockdown when mom fails to sign-in

The mother of a special needs child in Walnut Grove, Missouri, raced to school when she got a "frantic" call from her kid'steacher. After she was buzzed into the building, she ran straight to his room, thereby committing the cardinal sin of not signing in. The school went into lockdown. Cops arrived and took the mom to the police station, where she was charged with trespassing.

9. Girl in wet bathing suit forced to stand outside... in February... in Minnesota... due to school policy

After the fire alarm went off in Como Park High School in St. Paul, Minnesota, everyone evacuated, including Kayona Hagen-Tietza, 14, who had been swimming in the gym pool and didn't have time to change. School policy forbids teachers from having students in the car, so she stood outside, barefoot, for 10 minutes in 5-degree weather until a teacher obtained "permission" to let her sit in her car just this once.

10. Student suspended for twirling pencil, subjected to five-hour evaluation

Ethan Chaplin, 13, was twirling his pencil, which made the child sitting behind him feel "threatened or uncomfortable." That's all it took for the Vernon, New Jersey, school to send Chaplin for a 5-hour physical and psych evaluation. His urine was tested and blood drawn. “We never know what’s percolating in the mind of children, okay?" the superintendent, Charles Maranzano, said. "When they demonstrate behaviors that raise red flags, we must do our duty.”

You can't make this stuff up.

If there is one silver lining to Zero Tolerance policies, it's that they prevent idiot administrators from actually making decisions. After all, if they are stupid enough to blindly follow Zero Tolerance, God only knows what sort of absurd decisions they'd make if left on their own.

Idiots...

FOD 2015.01.05

Steven Hayward at Powerline says it better than I could:

I’ve already broken my new year’s resolution, which was to pay less attention to how much Obama annoys me.  And he’s still on vacation.

Here's one of the things about obama that annoys me in 2015.

Last week, the President once again announced the end of “combat operations” in Afghanistan, although he said that our troops will remain there to fight what he called “the remnants of al Qaeda.”

The President gave a similar statement at Fort Bragg, NC, in December 2011...

Early in his presidency, July 2009, the President said that “victory” was not necessarily the goal in Afghanistan.

In the 13-year war, over 74% of all military casualties have occurred on President Obama’s watch. In addition, a staggering 92% of all Marine deaths have happened under this presidency.

The president has recently freed numerous terrorists being held at the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, some of them Taliban members from Afghanistan, knowing full-well many detainees intend to return to the battlefield and pursue war against the United States.

President Obama’s approval rating with military members has plummeted to an all-time low of 15%, while his disapproval has escalated to 55%.

The loser-in-chief has absolutely no clue about (among other things) our military, terrorism, or what to do in the Middle East. And it's long past the time when he could blame Bush...

Sunday Funnies 2015.01.04

We're four days into 2015 and New Year's resolutions are falling faster than the NYPD's opinion of Bill De Blasio.

Before we get to the jokes, let's define our terms.

New Year’s Resolutions are like Las Vegas wedding vows: half-assed promises made by drunken idiots.

Notwithstanding the above, here's one I made that I'm confident I will keep.

I will assume full responsibility for my actions (except the ones that are someone else's fault).

Here's some our dogs made that I don't think they will keep.

I will not bark each time I hear a door bell on TV.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. 

Holiday Season - Continued

As far as I'm concerned, it's still the holiday season, and will be until Monday. So here's some holiday-related notions for y'all...

More Schadenfreude

... or should that be "More Karma"?

Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid broke a number of ribs and bones in his face when a piece of exercise equipment broke at his Nevada home, causing the lawmaker to fall.

Broken bones = Schadenfreude.

Here's the Karma.

If we truly were 'ruled' by representative government, the assholes in D.C. would be subject to the same laws they impose on the rest of us.

If only...

Friday Follies Happy Hour 01.02.2015

Check out the classic 8-track at the beginning of this video.

Classic car, retro music, and dirty dancing. What's not to like?

Self-Perception Vs. Reality

It's interesting how our perception of ourselves at times differs greatly from how others see us. I've learned that lesson more than once, but this Christmas it was driven home yet again.

Please don't mistake this for bragging, but I worked my way up from an entry-level position (basically, the mail room) to an upper management position with a large international bank. After parting ways with the corporate world I went back to school and picked up a PhD, then became a college professor. But do my friends and family view me as a successful executive? A learned academic?

Noooo...

Based on my Christmas presents, they evidently see me as a good ol' boy.

I got ammunition, a new chain saw, and membership in a Bacon of the Month club.

Not that I'm complaining. I'm happier with those gifts than with a new shirt and tie, or a new briefcase. But it was eye-opening...

Speaking of bacon, I previously posted about a bacon-studded ground pork sausage product. I ended up using it to make ridiculously easy, but delicious, sausage and cheese muffins.

There weren't any leftovers.

Sausage Mixture

1 lb ground pork breakfast sausage, crumbled
1/2 medium onion, chopped
3 tablespoons chopped fresh sage (or 3 treaspoons dried sage)
1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese (4 oz)

Baking Mixture

3/4 cup Bisquick mix
3/4 cup milk
3 eggs

Directions

Heat oven to 375°F. Spray 12 regular-size muffin cups with cooking spray.

Cook sausage and onion in a skillet over medium-high heat 5 to 7 minutes, stirring frequently, until sausage is no longer pink. Drain and stir in sage and cheese.

Stir the baking mixture ingredients together in a bowl. Spoon a generous tablespoon of the baking mixture into each muffin cup. Top with 1-2 tablespoons of the sausage mixture. Top off with another generous tablespoon of the baking mixture.

Bake about 30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean, and tops of muffins are golden brown. Cool 5-10 minutes and serve.

Like most recipes, this is a general outline. You can customize as you see fit. For example, I've added chopped bell peppers, tomatoes, and/or garlic, used different cheeses (try a combination of Swiss, mozzarella, and Parmesan, or maybe Ricotta or cream cheese), etc. You can also brush the tops with melted butter (or melted garlic butter), salsa, or the topping of your choice.

The basic units are 1/4 cup Bisquick mix, 1/4 cup milk, and 1 egg. As noted above, 3 times this basic formula (3/4 cup Bisquick mix, 3/4 cup milk, and 3 eggs) along with 1 pound of sausage is just about right for a dozen 1-inch deep muffin cups. Adjust as needed.

More 'Speaking of bacon':

Happy New Year 2015

In spite of the excesses of last night - or perhaps because of them - I'd like to start the New Year off with a prayer.

Dear Lord,

So far this year I've done well.

I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that.

But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Amen

This is also the day when we traditionally make resolutions for the New Year. Here's my thoughts on that.