Sunday, October 12, 2014

Sunday Funnies 2014.10.12

I hate to do this to y'all, but I have a terrible weakness for puns...

I once loved a girl, but she and I were quite different. Sadly, things didn't work out.

She was only a whiskey-maker, but I loved her still.

I tried talking about our future but she just kept bringing up my past. It was a tense conversation.

True story - those of you who have been following this blog for a while know that I used to work in the financial industry before I moved to academia. You might say that I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Speaking of losing interest:

A little bathroom humor:

When I get naked in the bathroom, the only thing that gets turned on is the shower.

Brace yourself. Here come the really bad ones.

'I got lost in the streets of Paris,' he said ruefully.
I was leaving a store and had my arms full of packages. A clown held the door open for me.

What a nice jester.
 "A Farewell to Arms" is Ernest Hemingway's novel about an American soldier in Italy during World War I. He falls in love with a nurse in the hospital, decides to go AWOL, and rows all night with her in a boat from Italy to Switzerland to evade the authorities.

His girl friend was sitting in the stern of the boat, and he was rowing in the middle. At one point he said, "Cathy, I love you."

She said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I said I love you."

She still didn't hear him, so he removed an oar from the lock, moved up to the stern, resumed steering the boat from that position, and said again, "I love you."

She said, "I love you too, but why are you standing there sculling when you can do so much better rowing where you were?"

He said, "You are undoubtedly right: I just sculled to say I love you."
To add to the punishment in Purgatory, Satan decided to make all the tormented souls listen to elevator music.

The Hells Are Alive With the Sounds of Muzak.
A farmer lived in ancient Rome. He was working in the fields one day when he came across a giant strawberry, about one foot wide and 18 inches high. He thought this would be a novelty that many would want to see, so he took it home, washed it off, and set up a display in a case. He advertised the giant strawberry far and wide, and people came from all over to see the exhibit. He charged admission and made a pile of money.

However, he failed to report his earnings to the tax authorities, so they came to his farm to confiscate the exhibit. When they arrived at his door, he said, "I suppose you have come all this way to admire my exhibit as well?"

"No," they said. "We've come to seize your berry, not to praise it."

I apologize for the terrible puns.

The last one - I promise.