Cleaning Out The In-Box

Not worth keeping, but too good to just delete...

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything else is fine, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.  They work great but they don't come cheap.  It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.  But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.  If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.  If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.  It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."

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Translating  "Womanese:"

(1)  Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 
    
(2)  Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
    
(3)  Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 
    
(4)  Go Ahead:  This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
    
(5)  Loud Sigh:  This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6)  That's Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 
    
(7)  Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').
    
(8)  Whatever:  Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...
    
(9)  Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

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During my yearly physical, the doctor asked me about my daily activity level.

I described one of my typical days this way:

Yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"

'No,' I replied, I'm just a shitty golfer."