Sunday Funnies 2015.04.19

Dedicated to man's best friend...

No, not beer - dogs!

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
 - Rodney Dangerfield

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
- Sue Murphy

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
 - Steven Wright

A dog goes into a grocer’s with a basket in its mouth. In the basket is a shopping list and a purse.

The grocer reads the list, puts the goods requested into the basket, takes some money from the purse and puts back the change. The dog then runs off home.

This happens every week for months and the grocer becomes extremely impressed by the animal’s intelligence and its dedication to its task. One day he decides to follow the animal home and see if its owner would be willing to sell it.

The dog eventually leads the grocer to a run-down house where it puts the basket on the doorstep and rings the door-bell with its nose. After a few seconds an old woman opens the door and starts hitting the dog with a stick.

‘Stop!’ shouts the grocer. ‘What are you doing? That’s the most intelligent dog I’ve ever seen in my life.’

‘Intelligent, my ass!’ shouts the old woman. ‘That’s the third time this week he’s forgotten his keys.’

A man notices a small boy wearing a fireman’s hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices that the cart is tied to the dog’s testicles.

‘That’s a nice fire engine,’ says the man. ‘But wouldn’t the dog pull faster if you tied the rope to his collar?’

‘Yes,’ says the boy. ‘But then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

Bert takes his dog to the vet and says, ‘Can you cut off my dog’s tail?’

‘Why do you want me to do that?’ asks the vet.

Bert replies, ‘My mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want her to think she’s welcome.’