Science Marches On

Science is an amazing thing. I learned several things from the following article. Perhaps the most surprising is that it takes all mammals, regardless of species, size, or gender, approximately 21 seconds to urinate.

For more interesting tidbits, read on.

Peeing In The Shower Makes Ecological Sense

To pee or not to pee in the shower, that is the question. Various surveys have shown that lots of people do it—one questionnaire on BuzzFeed found that more than 80% of those surveyed say they do.

Okay, I'll fess up. There has been a time or two when I indulged. Now I'm finding out that what began as an act of convenience/laziness is actually helping to save the earth.

... relieving ourselves while showering can help conserve water. In fact, estimating that people pee on average seven times a day, the site calculates that taking away one 1.6-gallon flush across 319 million Americans every day could conserve 185 billion gallons of water a year, which is no small matter.

According to the research, in the 21 seconds it takes the average person to relieve themselves, 0.875 gallons of water will escape the shower head. Now consider that the new low-flow toilets use 1.6 gallons per flush, while millions of older toilets still in use require even more to flush urine away. The water savings are obvious.

And for those who wipe when they pee, they could save an entire roll of toilet paper every 50 days.

Of course, if you're a guy like me who lives out in the country, you have yet another option that requires no water at all. Just don't let your wife catch you. Mine is totally unconvinced by arguments that treating the great outdoors as one giant mens room saves time (so I can be remain more focused on my chores) and keeps me from tracking dirt into the house.

So there you have it. If you want to help keep the Earth green, plus save on your water bills, just 'let go' during your morning shower.

Stay tuned for more Earth-friendly tips...

Snaking Out The Drain

Here's a solution to all the controversy regarding who should use which restroom.

Thai man bloodied but unbowed after intimate attack by snake

A Thai man is recovering from a bloody encounter with a 3-meter (10-foot) python that slithered through the plumbing of his home and latched its jaws onto his penis as he was using a squat toilet.

Attaporn Boonmakchuay was smiling as Thai television stations interviewed him in his hospital bed about the intimate intrusion, and doctors said he would recover. But photos of his blood-splattered bathroom in Chachoengsao province, east of Bangkok, were testimony to his ordeal.

The 38-year-old told Thai TV Channel 7 that he struggled to remove the snake for 30 minutes Wednesday before he managed to free himself with help from his wife and a neighbor. After his wife tied a rope around the snake, Attaporn pried open its jaws before passing out.

Emergency workers dismantled the Asian-style squat toilet, with the python still twined through it. The snake was taken away to be released back into the wild, according to an emergency responder cited by the newspaper Thai Rath.

Doctors said Attaporn, bloodied but unbowed, will recover.

So all we need to do is stick snakes in the ladies restroom toilet. If there are no dangly parts hanging down, the snakes won't have anything to latch on to.

Problem solved!

Gives new meaning to 'snaking out the drain'...

Self Identity

This post is a little on the long side, and tends to meander a bit before it gets to the point. But please bear with me - I think (hope)you'll enjoy it. It eventually raises some interesting questions. So pour yourself a drink of your choice, settle back, and enjoy.

I've been an Allen West fan ever since he first appeared on the political horizon. I was thrilled when he was first elected to congress, and disappointed when he didn't get re-elected. Since then I've followed him as he spoke out on various issues, finding myself nodding in agreement much more often than not.

A few days ago he was elected to the NRA's Board of Directors. At about the same time, this image highlighting the difference between the Huffington Post's Editorial Board and the NRA Board of Directors appeared.

One organization preaches the virtues of 'diversity,' yet is composed of all white women. The other is vilified by the media, yet is more of a cross-section of America.

Can you say "Do as I say, not as I do?"

Speaking of diversity, we have this individual, who certainly is a favorite for the gold medal in the Diversity Olympics.

If there’s a high bar for which social justice warriors strive, surely it was set by Britain’s first transgender gay Muslim woman.

Amid the ongoing bathroom wars in America, conservative blogger Brandon Morse took to social media to call attention to Lucy Vallender...

Vallender, formerly known as Laurens before “he” became true to “herself,” is a former British soldier who had a sex operation in 2010 to switch out his male parts for female parts. Vallender would later convert to Islam, saying it’s a “peaceful” religion and take things even further by marrying a Muslim man the ex-soldier met on an online dating site.

Okay, if you look closely at the above image, in the upper left hand corner you'll see the date it was first posted - Sep. 4, 2013. But the fact that the story is three years old doesn't make it any more stupid. Converting to islam because it's 'the religion of peace' makes about as much sense as going to an orgy because you're in favor of chastity.

As for the rest of the story, well, maybe there's been so much of this self-identification nonsense in the news lately that I've just become numb. And here's where we come to the main point of this post.

This article is not satire. It offers a series of philosophical discussion points that I'm sure many people share these days...

So here's the logical question in pursuing the "self identity" trend that progressive society is now exploring. Today's society has arrived at a place where it largely accepts the idea that people can choose their gender. A person can be born as a male, but decide to identify as a female... Can a person choose their race, too?

Put another way, society currently accepts the idea of a person choosing to be transgender. So is it then okay for someone to be trans-race? And if that's accepted, then what about trans-species? Carried to its logical extreme, can a white male human being declare to the world that he's actually a female Peruvian llama?

What if John Doe, for example, wants to self-identify as a "Spotted Owl"?

Or maybe Jane Doe wants to identify as a member of the Delphinus delphis species... the common dolphin. Maybe she can even learn to speak dolphin and order in dolphin at the McDonald's drive-through.

There are, indeed, people who have come to believe they are certain animals. Dennis Avner, for example, believes he is a great cat, and he has undergone extreme biological modifications in an attempt to adopt the shape and structure of a great cat. The following photo is not Photoshopped:

I hope you see the point in this serious discussion. If people can choose to decide to be something which they are not from a physical or biological perspective, then is there any real meaning to concepts like male, female, Caucasian, African or even human?

Even more interestingly, could humans add themselves to endangered species lists by simply announcing they are an endangered species? "I'm Otto the Spotted Owl." The implications for the EPA and the U.S. government would be quite fascinating. For example, to my knowledge, I don't think the IRS can levy taxes on Spotted Owls. So if a person announces they are a Spotted Owl, are they now a "sovereign animal" that's protected by the government in their "habitat" apartment?

Without question, a court judge would denounce a person trying to claim they are a spotted owl. But let's follow the logic here. That judge would say, "You are obviously not a spotted owl. You weren't born a spotted owl and if we run a genetic test on your cells, they would not be consistent with a spotted owl."

Let's take that same test and run it against Rachel Dolezal. Following that test, a court judge would say much the same thing: "You are obviously not black. You weren't born black and if we run a genetic test on your cells, they would not be consistent with an African-American."

Tracking this same logic back to Bruce Jenner, a court judge would also be forced to conclude much the same: "You weren't born female and if we run a genetic test on your cells, they would not be consistent with a female."

From a genetics point of view, then, Bruce Jenner is a male, Rachel Dolezal is white, and John Doe is not a spotted owl. But that's not how progressive society recognizes them, at least not with Jenner. They are recognized according to how they WISH to be identified.

Restated, the question that emerges from all this is as follows:

Should society treat people as they physically are, or as they psychologically WISH to be? In other words, where does freedom to choose collide with the absurd?

I don't know about you, but I think we've already passed that point of absurdity...

In other words, reality now has no meaning because what we're being taught is that there is no objective reality when it comes to people, gender, races and beings. You can decide to be a unicorn, if you want, and who can argue with that? Just don't forget to wear your giant horn. And yes, it's a rainbow-colored strap-on.

This discussion brings up all sorts of important practical questions for society. If people can self-identify their own gender and race, then it becomes immediately obvious that all white people can apply for college scholarships by self-identifying as African-Americans, for example. I'm not condoning this -- the very idea is ludicrous -- yet it's where we now find ourselves in a society that believes everybody can "choose" to be whatever they want to be, despite what they really are.

That's it in a nutshell - "reality now has no meaning."

All this philosophizing has made me thirsty. I think I'll self-identify with several Shiners...

News Of The Absurd 2016.05.20

There's been a spate of weird news stories lately. For the convenience of my loyal readers (both of you...) I've compiled some of the weirdest. Enjoy.

I think most of us would agree that politicians, as a class, are sleazy crooks. Here's the latest example.

Oops: Virginia congressional candidate leaves porn tabs open on Facebook post

A Virginia congressional candidate (posted) a screengrab on Facebook that happened to display his earlier X-rated browser searches in the upper-left corner of the screen. 

The post published to the Mike Webb for Congress Facebook page included a screen grab with pages “LAYLA RIVERA TIGHT BOOTY” and “IVONE SEXY AMATEUR.”

Speaking of weird and kinky sex, here's a teacher-student tryst story with a twist.

Substitute teacher, student caught in cemetery tryst

A 49-year-old Pennsylvania substitute teacher who had recently served as the head of her Lutheran church’s council was charged Tuesday with institutional sexual assault after she allegedly was caught in a cemetery having sex with a 17-year-old student earlier this month.

Aldinger was in charge of Christian education, worship, music, Sunday School and Vacation Bible School as the council president at St. Paul III Lutheran Church...

I guess that's what they mean by "fallen angel."

This next story sounds like the beginning of a bad joke.

A gay black muslim and two gay white guys walk into a bar on Cinco de Mayo...

A Bronx man bashed a gay couple over the head with a chair inside a Chelsea BBQ joint after one of the men smacked him in the face with his purse...

You can't make this stuff up.

Jonathan Snipes, 33, and boyfriend Ethan Adams, 25, were drinking margaritas at Dallas BBQ when Snipes learned in a message that his uncle was ill...

“He started displaying his emotions, speaking loudly and Ethan was grabbing his arm and begging him not to leave,” (ADA Leah Saxtein) said.

Snipes got up to go home and knocked over his margarita and allegedly overheard El-Amin mumble, “F—-ts over there spilling their drinks.”

A soused Snipes marched over to El-Amin’s table and blurted, “What did you call us? You don’t know us” then smacked him with a “soft, small purse,” Saxtein said.

A hulking 6-foot-5, 260-pound El-Amin hit and kicked Snipes then stood up and tossed him on the floor.

“The defendant lifted his large size foot and stomped on Mr. Snipes’ head,” the prosecutor said.

“Mr Snipes is tiny. Unfortunately, his mouth isn’t, and he continued to scream,” she said.

The district attorney just said a gay guy has a big mouth. Insert your own joke here.

El-Amin became angrier and angrier, and ... picked up a wooden chair and smashed it over their heads.

Defense lawyer Percy Diego Gayanilo said that El-Amin not only is gay but has been active in the LGBT community for more than 19 years.

He insisted that his client had not used a homophobic slur. He argued that El-Amin had simply acted in self defense after Snipes’ wild provocations.

The two so-called victims had been drinking for nearly 7 hours and “their judgement was impaired,” Gayanilo told jurors.

The accused is black, gay, and a muslim. That's three protected classes right there. The victims, although gay, are also white. That cancels out their gayness. My bet is that El-Amin beats the rap.

Finally, we close with my favorite of the bunch.

Woman’s obituary says she died rather than vote for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump

A Virginia woman is being spared having to vote for a candidate she didn’t like in the 2016 presidential election — because she’s dead.

“Faced with the prospect of voting for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, Mary Anne Noland of Richmond chose, instead, to pass into the eternal love of God on Sunday, May 15, 2016, at the age of 68,” her obituary, published in Tuesday’s Richmond Times Dispatch, reads.

Noland, you could say, was feeling the urn.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

I have no words...

 * * * * * * * * * * 

Transgender man gives birth to baby girl after getting pregnant during transition

Along with playing mother, one Icelandic man will have to play father to his newborn baby as well. Henrý Steinn, a transgender man, recently gave birth to a baby girl after finding out he was pregnant during the early stages of his gender transition.

The 19-year-old has already started living as a man and was about to begin his testosterone treatment when he found out he was carrying. "I was well into the consultation and was living as a man but was about one or two months away from starting the hormone treatment when I found out I was pregnant..."

After consulting with his doctor and therapist, Steinn decided to delay his hormone treatment and proceed with the pregnancy. He added: "It was a bit of a shock when I started suspecting it, but very soon I started seeing it as an opportunity to have my own baby."

On 13 April he gave birth to a heath baby via Caesarean and plans to breastfeed the baby for a time and then "expects to resume the consultation for the transition as soon as possible..."

Okay, it's around 10:00 at night when I wrote this. I'm going to have another drink and go to bed, because I just can't handle reality anymore...

Stripper Alert

I have no words...

FBI-Themed Stripper Triggers Panic, Security Alert

A male stripper sparked panic in Frankfurt's red-light district after being spotted with what appeared to be an assault rifle and bullet-proof vest emblazoned with "FBI."

"A significant number" of police officers were deployed to the area after Saturday night's sighting, officials said.

The 30-year-old Hungarian man was later found in a table-dance bar, where he revealed the suspicious items were part of the costume for his act.

 The weapon turned out to be a plastic replica "but had deceiving similarities to a G36 assault rifle," according to a police statement.

After a delay, the stripper was permitted to perform late Saturday, "but whether his act was a success, is not known," police added.

Oh, those wacky Germans.

Please do not click to embiggen - I'm begging you!

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Evidently what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas, but follows certain people around. This guy will always be known as The Guy Who Had Sex on a Vegas Ferris Wheel.

Man who was arrested for sex on Vegas Ferris wheel shot dead near strip club

A Texas man who achieved brief notoriety after he was arrested for having sex on a Las Vegas Ferris wheel in February was shot dead early Saturday morning after picking up his fiancée from the Houston strip club where she worked as a dancer.

Well of course she worked as an exotic dancer a stripper. Nothing else would fit the narrative.

Bryant Christopher Watts, 28, and Aaron Jones, 31, were charged with capital murder in the death of 27-year-old Phillip Frank Panzica. Police caught the pair after a brief chase and Watts allegedly confessed to shooting Panzica, The Houston Chronicle reported.

Panzica had just picked up his fiancée, who was holding the cash she’d earned at the club, and was driving the woman’s black Kia Sorrento (when he was shot)... (The two suspects) dumped Panzica’s body on the side of the road and stole the woman’s money and car. The woman, who has not been identified, eventually flagged down a bus.

In February, Panzica was charged with committing sex acts in public after he was caught in a raucous romp with a woman aboard a glass-enclosed Ferris wheel in Las Vegas.

Panzica told WTVR at the time that he had initially gone to Las Vegas with his fiancée to get married – but she was not the woman he ended up with on the Ferris wheel. The two began arguing soon after arriving in Las Vegas and then Panzica went gambling.

“Won a little bit of money. Lost a little bit of money. Got some margaritas. Probably like four or five,” he told WTVR. “One thing led to another. She was there by herself.”

I just knew tequila played a part in this story. Who hasn't has a regrettable experience (or two, or three, or...) fueled by an excess of that evil drink?

Panzica said he didn’t think anyone could see them when the Ferris wheel reached its pinnacle. Unfortunately for the couple, their quickie was visible on a video camera.

“We get up to the highest point, and we were like, ‘We’re golden,’” he said.

Panzica spent two nights in jail before his fiancée bailed him out.

If that isn't true love, I don't know what is.

Only in Vegas...

Tripped And Fell My Ass

When I saw this story a few days ago I couldn't believe it. But it seems to be legitimate. I guess it's true that rich guys never get convicted.

Millionaire found not guilty of rape after claiming he tripped and fell on woman

Ehsan Abdulaziz, 46, was initially accused of forcing himself on the 18-year-old as she slept on a couch at his London flat after a night of drinking.

The Saudi property developer said he had already had sex with the young woman’s 24-year-old friend and it was possible his penis may have been poking out of his underwear when he tripped.

The 18-year-old claimed that after a number of drinks at Abdulaziz’s north London home, she went to sleep on the couch.

She said she woke up to find him on top of her, forcing himself on her.

 “She woke up with the defendant kissing her and his penis in her vagina,” prosecutor Jonathan Davies told the Southwark Crown Court.

Abdulaziz said he had accidentally fallen on the teenager ... and that was how his DNA got onto her vagina.

The jury acquitted Abdulaziz after just 30 minutes of deliberations.

There has got to be more to the story than this. Even if the guy was wandering around with his you-know-what hanging out, what are the odds that he would trip and fall with enough precision to achieve coitus?

Pretty damn small, I'd say - about the same odds as my wife believing this story if she found me 'tripping and falling' on another woman.

"Tripped and fell, huh? I'll show you tripped and fell!"

May The Force Be With You

Fair warning: if you aren't a Stars Wars fan, parts of this post won't make much sense to you.

If you have any geek friends, they are probably besides themselves waiting for the premiere of the latest Star Wars movie - Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Of course, the Hollywood elite got a special premiere for them on Monday, but the rest of us have to wait until tomorrow.

There are now about 1,000 people on the planet who have seen "Star Wars: The Force Awakens."

The world premiere of the highly anticipated film took place on Monday afternoon in Los Angeles, where a half-mile section of Hollywood Boulevard was closed to traffic for the event.

No expense was spared.

A veritable army of security guards, publicists and event staffers. Quadruple the typical number of invited guests. A lavish after-party, replete with Stormtroopers and a roaming Chewbacca, stretching for four city blocks.

Even by the razzmatazz standards of the Walt Disney Company, the high-security, spare-no-expense world premiere for “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” on Monday was something to behold.

R2-D2, left, and C-3PO at the world premiere of "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" on Monday in Los Angeles.

But while we mere mortals may have to wait to see the movie, we can immediately get our hands on something Star Wars related that we can use right away.

Yes, those are Star Wars condoms. If you look closely, you can see the message from Darth Vader: "I will not be your father."

That's pretty funny. But even funnier is the message on the Yoda condoms.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Somehow I doubt if these products are officially licensed Disney merchandise. But they do reflect a Disney-like message of true friendship.

May the Force be with you.

Two-Fer Thursday

I had two stories in mind for today - one serious, and one on the absurd side. I couldn't make up my mind which one to feature, so I decided to go with both of them. First, the serious one.

Iran sends defiant signal to the West with missile test

Iran has broken a United Nations resolution and delivered a pointed signal of defiance to the West by testing a new ballistic missile with a range of at least 1,000 miles.

The Ghadr-110, which could be adapted to carry a nuclear warhead, is believed to have been launched on November 21, according to Western officials.

 In 2010, the UN Security Council passed Resolution 1929 banning Iran from “any activity related to ballistic missiles capable of delivering nuclear weapons, including launches”.

This was the second missile test since the nuclear agreement was signed in July...

obama's response?

The State Department said that it was conducting a "serious review" of such reports.

Oh, I feel so much better now. A "serious review." That should have them shaking with fear in Tehran.

"We're conducting a serious review of this reported incident," (State Department spokesman John) Kirby told reporters. He added, "If the reports are confirmed and if there is a violation of any relevant U.N. Security Council resolution, then we're going to take the appropriate actions."

Bad mullahs. Bad!

He stressed that ballistic missile activity wasn't a violation of the July deal that imposed more than a decade of restrictions on Iran's nuclear program in exchange for hundreds of billions of dollars in potential relief from international sanctions...

After the October test, President Barack Obama noted that Iran has often violated missile prohibitions. He said the U.S. would make clear to Iran that there are costs for bad behavior, but stressed that the issue was separate from nuclear arms control.

Based on obama's response to international incidents so far, I doubt if anyone over there is losing sleep worrying about barry and his mostly hypothetical 'costs for bad behavior'.

At least one senator is thinking the same way.

U.S. Senator Bob Corker, chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, issued a statement condemning what he described as the lack of response to Iranian missile violations.

"Iran violates U.N. Security Council resolutions because it knows neither this administration nor the U.N. Security Council is likely to take any action," said Corker.

Yeah, we can really depend on Iran complying with the provisions of the 'no nukes for a few years' deal that obama has stuck us with. Hopefully the Israelis will bail us out of this mess.

As for story #2, well, it's hard to get much more absurd that this.

Naked, drunken man with 3 women in car hit 110 mph

A Florida man with a history of drug, gun and theft arrests was allegedly naked, drunk and driving 110 mph with three female passengers when the Florida Highway Patrol caught up to him on Saturday afternoon.

Noe Dejesus was pulled over just after 3 p.m. following a report of a car driving recklessly on Alligator Alley. The Highway Patrol officer who clocked Dejesus’ speeding Cadillac initially believed the driver was merely shirtless.

But when Dejesus opened the door and stepped out, he was completely naked, police said.

The trooper allegedly spotted an open 12-pack of Corona and a nearly empty bottle of Crown Royal whiskey in the car, according to the Naples Daily News. Dejesus allegedly smelled of alcohol, was slurring his speech and almost fell down trying to put his pants on.

The only way this story could be better would be for the women to be naked as well.

Thankfully the drunk idiot didn't hit anyone.

Ashes To Ashes

I have absolutely nothing to say about this story.

Designer Dildo Contains Loved One's Cremated Ashes

It's a sex toy that someone — maybe you — will be dying to use.

Dutch designer Mark Sturkenboom has just created a sex toy that includes a mini-urn to hold the cremated remains of that special someone.

The erotically-shaped urn is part of "21 Grams," a memory box devised by Sturkenboom to help grieving people feel the presence of their loved ones.

Gives new meaning to "getting your ashes hauled."

Feel free to discuss among yourselves...

News From Down Under

Yesterday morning's stories were of the feel-good variety. This story is slightly different...

Kangaroo farts not as environmentally friendly as previously thought

First of all, I didn't know that kangaroo farts were generally considered environmentally friendly. In fact, I had never even thought about kangaroo farts. It turns out that concerned scientists trying to save the world from global warming climate change weather have been viewing kangaroos as potential game-changers in the battle to reduce greenhouse gases.

Kangaroos can no longer feel smug about their flatulence. Traditionally, it's been thought that the animals produce unusually low amounts of methane when they pass gas. Since livestock farts make up a lot of our global greenhouse gas emissions, that would make kangaroos potential lifesavers in the global warming department. Scientists had hoped that there might be some secret cocktail of microbes in their gut that made their emissions so delicate — perhaps one that could be given to cattle to make their farts less harmful.

But according to a study published Wednesday in the Journal of Experimental Biology, there's nothing magical about a kangaroo fart.

Next thing you know, scientists will be claiming that there is nothing magical about unicorn farts.

"The idea that kangaroos have unique gut microbes has been floating around for some time and a great deal of research has gone into discovering these apparently unique microbes," study author Adam Munn of the University of Wollongong said in a statement.

A "great deal of research" into kangaroo farts?!? Sounds like the Aussies government spends its tax dollars about as wisely as our government.

And speaking of research into kangaroo farts, I'm sure you've asked yourself "Self, what is the proper procedure for measuring kangaroo farts?"

Here's how.

You seal the animals up in individual rooms and feed them alfalfa. Some of the kangaroos were given a set diet, while others enjoyed an all-you-can-eat alfalfa buffet. Meanwhile, the scientists measured the methane accumulating in each kangaroo's room and analyzed their poop.

And the findings?

Kangaroos do produce less methane than cows, when you compare one individual to another. When the researchers looked at methane emissions in relation to food intake, however, they found that kangaroos actually come pretty close to cow methane production.

So in other words, the amount of methane produced per pound is about the same between cows and kangaroos.

Gee, I'm glad we got that cleared up. Now we can move on to researching other pressing issues - like how monkeys gamble...

Fear Of Flying

It's funny (funny in an interesting way, not a humorous one) how things seem to run in cycles. Latest example: yesterday I posted something about strange events related to flying. Today I ran across another such case. Cue the Twilight Zone music...

Airport plays porn film on big TV screen as passengers collect their luggage

Airport customers were left in shock after graphic porn scenes starting playing out over a big TV screen as they collected their luggage.

The incident was caught on camera by one passenger in Lisbon Airport who whipped out his mobile phone to record the bizarre moment.

Of course, it then didn't take long before the clip was posted to YouTube and circulated around the internet. (don't worry - it's SFW)

According to Portuguese media, the incident occurred on October 19 at Terminal 1 of the airport building as baffled passengers waited at the baggage carousel.

It is thought the pornographic video broadcast lasted for several minutes.

A spokesman for Lisbon Airport said: "At 3:00 a.m. on October 19, along one of the luggage mats from Lisbon Airport, a TV was tuned (to a channel) which at the time ran a soft porn movie.

"An airport employee noticed the program that was being issued, so those images flashed momentarily on the TV set.

"The situation was corrected promptly. There were no complaints. We will ensure that these situations are not repeated."

"There were no complaints."

Of course not. It made waiting for your luggage more enjoyable...

The World Has Gone Mad - More

I didn't intend to have a sequel to yesterday's post, but the strange stories just keep on coming.

Exhibit 1:

A woman sued her nephew "for an exuberant greeting at his birthday party" that broke her wrist.

Jennifer Connell sued in Bridgeport Superior Court for $127,000, saying the little boy did not behave reasonably when he leapt into her arms at his 8th birthday celebration.

“The injuries, losses and harms to the plaintiff were caused by the negligence and carelessness of the minor defendant in that a reasonable eight years old under those circumstances would know or should have known that a forceful greeting such as the one delivered by the defendant to the plaintiff could cause the harms and losses suffered by the plaintiff,” the lawsuit claims.

Really? An eight-year-old is expected to 'reasonably' know that jumping into his aunt's arms could cause harm and loss? GMAFB.

And exactly what harm and loss did the woman suffer?

“I was at a party recently, and it was difficult to hold my hors d’oeuvre plate..."

Fortunately, the jury tossed the case. But there might be a few awkward moments at the family's Thanksgiving dinner this year ... especially if hors d’oeuvres are served.

In other news, another aspect of my youth is no more.

Playboy magazine to end publishing fully nude female photos

Playboy will no longer publish photos of nude women...

The change, to take place in March, represents a major shift for the magazine, which broke new ground when Hugh Hefner created it and featured Marilyn Monroe on its debut cover in 1953...

Notice the price in the upper right-hand corner.

Of course, I only bought it for the stories anyway...


Finally, what would any collection of absurd stories be without a contribution from the obama administration?

Prisoners have a beef after pork chopped from federal prison menus

Inmates will no longer be pigging out on ham or bacon after the Obama administration removed pig products from federal prison menus...

It's bad enough to be locked up, but to be denied bacon?!? That's cruel and unusual punishment. And, of course, controversial.

The decision was based on a survey of prisoners’ food preferences that found most inmates don’t like the taste of the “other white meat,” prison officials said.

On the other hand:

The National Pork Producers Council, which represents the nation’s hog farmers, said it was outraged by the decision and planned to mount an effort to reverse it. “I find it hard to believe that a survey would have found a majority of any population saying, ‘No, thanks, I don’t want any bacon...'"

So who is in favor of the pork ban?

A national Muslim civil rights organization has praised the move...

Quelle surprise.

All this talk about bacon has made me hungry. Time for a BLT...

The World Has Gone Mad

I don't know if people today are crazier than ever, or if we are just made more aware of madness thanks to the ubiquitous Internet. I suspect it's a combination of both, but for whatever reason the news is filled with stories that just make me shake my head and reach for another adult beverage.

Here's the latest.

There is a movement afoot to change the focus of Columbus Day to Indigenous Peoples Day. I'm not sure why, other than the left is always happy to revise history to suit their own biased perspective.

The campaigns say the federal holiday honoring Christopher Columbus — and the parades and pageantry accompanying it — overlook a painful history of colonialism, enslavement, discrimination and land grabs that followed the Italian explorer’s 1492 arrival in the Americas. The indigenous holiday takes into account the history and contributions of Native Americans for a more accurate historical record, activists have argued.

I don't think it was Chris who colonized, enslaved, discriminated, and grabbed land during the centuries following his 1492 voyage. But since when do facts matter to progressives?

Columbus Day supporters say the holiday celebrates centuries of cultural exchange between America and Europe, commemorates an iconic explorer and honors Italian-Americans, a group that has endured its own share of discrimination.

Oh, what the hell, let's just go all in on demonizing Columbus Day.

Columbus Day is the next Confederate Flag

Last year, “Last Week Tonight With John Oliver” (whaaa?) produced a show...

...which includes images of Americans binge-drinking and throwing up in public as it describes Columbus inaugurating “a long tradition of obnoxious white people visiting Caribbean islands and acting like they own the place.” (The bit closes by describing “America’s least favorite holiday” as dedicated to “a murderous egomaniac whose most famous discovery was a case of getting lost and refusing to ask directions.”)

Forget the courage and dedication it took to outfit and undertake an expedition intended to sail off the edge of the earth. Let's totally overlook any positive aspects and just concentrate on the negative ones.

In other news, the opposition to allowing concealed carry on college campuses (I just love alliteration!) has come up with a catchy campaign - Cocks, not Glocks.

Sex toys to replace guns at UT-Austin campus carry protest

Hundreds of students at the University of Texas at Austin will protest a new law that will allow more guns on campus not with signs or sit-ins, but by "strapping gigantic swinging dildos to our backpacks."

Their mantra? #CocksNotGlocks

Jessica Jin, who set up the "Campus (DILDO) Carry" event on Facebook, invokes the argument that allowing more guns on campus will make students safe is a fallacy. She's urging students to send campus leaders that message by strapping on the plastic phalluses.

"'You're carrying a gun to class? Yeah well I'm carrying a HUGE DILDO,'" Jin says in the group's description. "Just about as effective at protecting us from sociopathic shooters, but much safer for recreational play."

Let me get this straight (sorry, I just couldn't resist!). These moonbats seriously believe that an artificial penis is as useful for self defense as a Glock?!?

I guess it all depends on who is attacking you.

Finally, we have this story from the world of science.

Scientist Takes First-Ever Photo of Rare Bird, Then Kills It in the Name of Science

When Chris Filardi, director of Pacific Programs at the American Museum of Natural History in New York, was finally holding the elusive Guadalcanal moustached kingfisher, he told Slate writer Rachel Gross, it was like finding a unicorn.

Filardi had been searching for the orange, white, and brilliant-blue bird for more than 20 years, when on a field study in the high forests of Guadalcanal in the Solomon Islands, he finally heard the “ko-ko-ko-ko-kiew” sound of what he described as the unmistakable call of a large kingfisher.

After days of tracking, he and his colleagues captured a male moustached kingfisher in a mist net.

“When I came upon the netted bird in the cool shadowy light of the forest I gasped aloud, ‘Oh my god, the kingfisher,’ one of the most poorly known birds in the world was there, in front of me, like a creature of myth come to life.” Filardi wrote in a Sept. 23 blog post. 

The team snapped the first-ever photos of the remarkably photogenic bird and made the first-ever recordings of a male variety of the species (a female was described back in the 1920s).

Then the team killed it.

Well, why not? It fits in with the rest of the madness that characterizes today's world.

Besides, killing that poor bird reduced its carbon footprint, thereby reducing the probability of global cooling global warming climate change weather.

Sigh...

Free Pablo

Enough already with the gloom and doom. You think we as a country are facing hard choices? Well, here's something that puts our problems into perspective. It's a story about a small group of children faced with a real life-or-death decision.

The students of Ella Baker School in New York City are about to face a hard decision when it comes to the fate of their classroom pet, a tilapia named Pablo.

First of all, who the hell thinks a tilapia makes a good pet. That particular critter is better suited to eating.

Oh, wait...

Now the children must decide whether or not they should eat the 13-inch fish.

Pablo - free creature or future entree?

Thank goodness they didn't adopt a kitten.

Opinions varied among the potential fish-fryers. Many want Pablo to live:

“He makes the room feel alive when everyone’s just there doing their work.”

“Since I put him in the tank he’s like, my own little child. Just because he’s a fish doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a life.”

Those would be the feel-good progressives. Now let's hear from the pragmatic conservatives.

“What is the point of us doing all this work raising him to plate size and just deciding to let him live?”

That kid has a promising future as a businessman.

Then we have the compassionate conservatives.

According to a few of the students, Pablo “doesn’t seem that healthy” because his scales are falling off. Killing the tilapia would be merciful, in a way:

‘He’s uncomfortable in the tank. It’s basically torture. He doesn’t look happy in there. I think we should put him out of his misery.’

Ah yes. In order to save the fish, we must eat him.

On a smaller scale this reminds me of the movie "Free Willy."

A Party Nobody Wants To Attend

There are times when I just shake my head and say to myself "WTF"?

Here's two examples. The first is from Down Under (Australia) but it's not exactly the Thunder from Down Under.

For those of you with short memories, the Thunder from Down Under is a male exotic dance group from - where else - Australia.

No, this bit of nonsense is more of a... well, whatever the opposite of thunder is (H/T to the Mellow Jihadi for the link).

An Australian company specializing in designing lingerie to cater to the man in your life said they are having to expand online just to keep up with rising demand for the unorthodox undergarments.

Well, they certainly are 'unorthodox' (among other terms).

Co-creators Brent and Lara Krause said they came up with the idea when realised there were very few options for men who wanted to buck the ‘tighty-whitey’ cotton jock trend, that has long dominated the male market.

Couldn't they just wear boxers?

Anyway, as if that wasn't bad enough, here's something that is IMO worse.

A man has organised Britain's first "small penis party" in an effort to make people celebrate, in his own words: "tiny todgers, compact cocks, wee willies, mini members, and dinky dicks."

Ant Smith, 48, who has been married for 17 years, told i100.co.uk that he struggled for a long time to come to terms with the size of his penis, which, at four inches when erect, is smaller than average.

Smith began talking about his penis size two years ago, and has since released a poem, 'Shorty', performing around the country to widespread media attention.

Oookaaayyy...

Not a party I plan on attending.

Unable To Function In The Diverse And Pluralistic Environment

Next I suppose they'll be cashiering SEALS for being violent men with weapons.

Navy Chaplain fired for being Christian

A highly decorated US Navy chaplain has been relieved of duty and the Navy is moving to remove him from active duty because he had the temerity to actually be a Christian.

    Lt. Commander Wes Modder, was accused of failing “to show tolerance and respect” in private counseling sessions regarding issues pertaining to faith, marriage and sexuality, specifically homosexuality and pre-marital sex...

    Modder, chaplain at Naval Nuclear Power Training Command in Goose Creek, S.C., was given a “detachment for cause” letter February 17 after the Navy found him unable to “function in the diverse and pluralistic environment.”

unable to “function in the diverse and pluralistic environment” Who on earth dreamed up that crock of nonsense?

    The 19-year military veteran has a record full of praise and commendations.

    Modder could lose his retirement benefits if the Navy convenes a board of inquiry and officially separates him before he completes 20 years of service, according to the Military Times.

    Before he became a Navy chaplain, he served in the Marines, including tours with the 11th Marine Expeditionary Unit and Naval Special Warfare Command, where he was the Force Chaplain of the Navy SEALs.”

If I've got the story right, a new assistant assigned to Modder filed a complaint against him based on information the assistant found in Modder's files regarding private, one-on-one counseling sessions with Navy personnel.

    On December 6 a new assistant and two Equal Opportunity representatives showed up with a five-page complaint on Modder. The grievances focused on Modder’s views on “same-sex relationships/marriages, homosexuality, different standards of respect for men and women, pre-marital sex and masturbation.”

    The junior officer had been working with Modder for just a month...

    Modder was immediately removed of his duties and told to clean out his office when the complaint was received, with no opportunity to defend himself.

    “To be clear,” (military veteran and attorney Michael) Berry said, “Chaplain Modder does not dispute that during private, one-on-one pastoral care and counseling sessions, he expressed his sincerely held religious belief that: sexual acts outside of marriage are contrary to Biblical teaching; and homosexual behavior is contrary to Biblical teaching; and homosexual orientation or temptation, as distinct from conduct, is not sin.”

What was Modder supposed to do? Say it's okay with God to commit sodomy and adultery? That might have kept him in the Navy, but it would have got him kicked out of the Church. Seems to me it's the Navy that is 'unable to function in a diverse and pluralistic environment.'

So it has come to this. A chaplain has to choose between his religion and the Navy's version of political correctness.

May God have mercy on us all...

LCDR Wes Modder

I Ain't No Sitzpinkler

Leave it to the Euroweenies to make a big deal over how men urinate.

A court in Germany has ruled in favour of a man's right to urinate while standing up after his landlord demanded money for damage to the bathroom floor.

The landlord, who was seeking €1,900 (£1400; $2,200), claimed the marble floor had been damaged by urine.

But the Duesseldorf judge ruled that the man's method was within cultural norms, saying "urinating standing up is still common practice".

"...still common practice?" Is it going out of style?

There is some debate in Germany about whether men should sit or stand to pee.

Some toilets have red traffic-style signs forbidding the standing position - but those who choose to sit are often referred to as a "Sitzpinkler", implying it is not masculine behaviour.

Here in Texas we have a saying about a person who exhibits unmasculine behavior: "He squats to piss."

Judge Stefan Hank agreed with an expert's report that uric acid had caused some damage to the bathroom's floor.

But concluding, he said men who insist on standing "must expect occasional rows with housemates, especially women" but cannot be held to account for collateral damage.

My wife sure holds me to account for 'collateral damage.' I think she could tolerate the occasional drop or two on the floor, but she gets downright hostile if my aim is a little off and some ends up on the seat.

Of course, if she would put it back up when she's finished that wouldn't be a problem, but she doesn't see it that way.

"Despite growing domestication of men in this matter, urinating while standing up is still common practice," he added.

"...growing domestication of men...?" If that means forcing them to sit while urinating, I would argue that's not domestication, but rather emasculation.

As a bonus, here's some ammunition for all you ladies out there who are fighting the Great Toilet Seat War.

How to Make Your Own "Put Toilet Seat Down" Sticker

If you’ve had enough of fumbling in the middle of the night to use the bathroom only to take an Alice in Toilet Land tumble into the porcelain black hole all because the toilet seat has, once again, been left up––there is hope. While you might try to reason with those who leave the toilet seat upright, or go so far as to tape down the seat or even install child locks, inevitably the seat will find its way to the upright position again. One fun way around the constant cajoling to keep the seat down is to stickers that carry messages encouraging all users to kindly put that seat back down where it belongs.

If stickers don't work, you can always try this.

Men, the best advice I can give you is just go outside.

One Thing Leads To Another

Isn't it interesting how one Internet link can take you down a trail of links to places you never dreamed existed? Case in point:

I was looking at a friend's Facebook post and it linked to a story about Ghost Hunters. For the uninitiated, Ghost Hunters is a reality TV show featuring a cast of characters that investigate reports of paranormal activity. I don't watch, but for some reason I clicked on the link. There wasn't much of interest there, but there was a link to another story that caught my eye.

Casting agent seeks naked ghost hunters for new paranormal series

Producers in Los Angeles are looking for ghost hunters that will bare everything on camera during an investigation for a new cable reality series. A mass email was sent to paranormal investigators all over the country and is going viral on social media...

"For this paranormal investigating show, we are putting a different spin on paranormal investigating and we are looking for people and/or teams that would be interested in taking paranormal investigating to the next level by doing it in the nude..."

Not to worry. The 'investigators' will not be nude for the sake of cheap sensationalism, but rather in the spirit of scientific inquiry.

The producers are using nudity for the concept of the show because they want to see if paranormal research teams get different readings and more evidence than when they are fully clothed. They believe that spirits will communicate with someone more vulnerable.

Okaaayyy...

Anyway, at the bottom of that story was a link to another article that just screamed to be clicked on.

Man convinces woman her vagina is haunted and tries to rid ghosts with his penis

I mean, seriously, how could anyone not follow that link?

A man was recently arrested in China after he claimed that he could get rid of ghosts from a young woman's vagina with his penis. The paranormal enthusiast allegedly charged over $3000 to perform the sexorcism...

Wow! Why didn't I think of that when I was young, single, and horny? Not only did the guy talk the girl into boinking him, but he got her to pay for it!

Genius.

Huang Jianjun was arrested in the Guangdong Province earlier this month after he convinced A Xin that he could remove evil spirits from her vagina by having sexual intercourse. After the bizarre incident, Xin called police the following day and Jianjun was promptly arrested.

"The victim allegedly came to the self-described "ghost hunter" because she needed help seducing her boss who she had a crush on. That's when Jianjun allegedly pitched the unorthodox exorcism idea..."

That's a tough act to follow, but this gal gives it the old college try.

“I just left a job on Wall Street for a porn career because I can’t stop masturbating at work”

Paige A. Jennings, who moonlights under the stage name Veronica Vain, dropped her internship at Lazard Asset Management last week after her nude selfies taken in the bathroom of the firm’s Manhattan offices were discovered online...

“I just left a job on Wall Street for a porn career because I can’t stop masturbating at work,” Jennings, 23, wrote on Twitter Wednesday.

Jennings had been a part-time intern in the company’s alternative-investments marketing group since last June, Business Insider said.

But after her co-workers discovered the nude bathroom photos posted on her Veronica Vain Twitter account, she soon decided to seek other employment.

“It was a little awkward,” Jennings told the Web site BroBible.com about meeting with her boss after the pics went public. “However, he obviously couldn’t have me coming back to the office when likely just about everyone had seen me half-naked online.”

A little bit awkward? That's an understatement. But half-naked pictures aside, something tells me she wasn't cut out for a career on Wall Street anyway.

What did we ever do before the Internet...?