Friday, May 20, 2016

News Of The Absurd 2016.05.20

There's been a spate of weird news stories lately. For the convenience of my loyal readers (both of you...) I've compiled some of the weirdest. Enjoy.

I think most of us would agree that politicians, as a class, are sleazy crooks. Here's the latest example.

Oops: Virginia congressional candidate leaves porn tabs open on Facebook post
A Virginia congressional candidate (posted) a screengrab on Facebook that happened to display his earlier X-rated browser searches in the upper-left corner of the screen. 
The post published to the Mike Webb for Congress Facebook page included a screen grab with pages “LAYLA RIVERA TIGHT BOOTY” and “IVONE SEXY AMATEUR.”

Speaking of weird and kinky sex, here's a teacher-student tryst story with a twist.

Substitute teacher, student caught in cemetery tryst
A 49-year-old Pennsylvania substitute teacher who had recently served as the head of her Lutheran church’s council was charged Tuesday with institutional sexual assault after she allegedly was caught in a cemetery having sex with a 17-year-old student earlier this month.

Aldinger was in charge of Christian education, worship, music, Sunday School and Vacation Bible School as the council president at St. Paul III Lutheran Church...
I guess that's what they mean by "fallen angel."

This next story sounds like the beginning of a bad joke.

A gay black muslim and two gay white guys walk into a bar on Cinco de Mayo...
A Bronx man bashed a gay couple over the head with a chair inside a Chelsea BBQ joint after one of the men smacked him in the face with his purse...
You can't make this stuff up.
Jonathan Snipes, 33, and boyfriend Ethan Adams, 25, were drinking margaritas at Dallas BBQ when Snipes learned in a message that his uncle was ill...

“He started displaying his emotions, speaking loudly and Ethan was grabbing his arm and begging him not to leave,” (ADA Leah Saxtein) said.

Snipes got up to go home and knocked over his margarita and allegedly overheard El-Amin mumble, “F—-ts over there spilling their drinks.”

A soused Snipes marched over to El-Amin’s table and blurted, “What did you call us? You don’t know us” then smacked him with a “soft, small purse,” Saxtein said.

A hulking 6-foot-5, 260-pound El-Amin hit and kicked Snipes then stood up and tossed him on the floor.

“The defendant lifted his large size foot and stomped on Mr. Snipes’ head,” the prosecutor said.

“Mr Snipes is tiny. Unfortunately, his mouth isn’t, and he continued to scream,” she said.
The district attorney just said a gay guy has a big mouth. Insert your own joke here.
El-Amin became angrier and angrier, and ... picked up a wooden chair and smashed it over their heads.

Defense lawyer Percy Diego Gayanilo said that El-Amin not only is gay but has been active in the LGBT community for more than 19 years.

He insisted that his client had not used a homophobic slur. He argued that El-Amin had simply acted in self defense after Snipes’ wild provocations.

The two so-called victims had been drinking for nearly 7 hours and “their judgement was impaired,” Gayanilo told jurors.
The accused is black, gay, and a muslim. That's three protected classes right there. The victims, although gay, are also white. That cancels out their gayness. My bet is that El-Amin beats the rap.

Finally, we close with my favorite of the bunch.

Woman’s obituary says she died rather than vote for Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump
A Virginia woman is being spared having to vote for a candidate she didn’t like in the 2016 presidential election — because she’s dead.

“Faced with the prospect of voting for either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, Mary Anne Noland of Richmond chose, instead, to pass into the eternal love of God on Sunday, May 15, 2016, at the age of 68,” her obituary, published in Tuesday’s Richmond Times Dispatch, reads.

Noland, you could say, was feeling the urn.


Well Seasoned Fool said...

Wonder if she had input or a relative with a vicious sense of humor wrote it?

CenTexTim said...

I like to think she wrote it herself...