Sunday Funnies 2016.07.03

July 4th Weekend - yay America!!!

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'

Message from Her Majesty The Queen

    To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen

    In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    Her Majesty will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. Look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour', 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

    3. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Q: If you crossed a vegetable with our first president, what would you get?
A: George Squashington

Q: If you crossed a rooster with the first signer of the Declaration of Independence, what would you get?
A: John Hancock-a-doodle-doo

Q: If you crossed a Patriot with a curly-haired dog, what would you get?
A: Yankee Poodle

Q: If you crossed the American national bird with Snoopy, what would you get?
A: A bald beagle.

Q: What protest did dogs hold in 1773?
A: The Boston Flea Party

Q: What did one flag say to the other flag?
A: Nothing. It just waved.

Q: How come there's no Knock Knock joke about America?
A: Because freedom rings.

Sunday Funnies 2016.06.26

It officially became summer this week (Monday, June 20 was the Summer Solstice).

I was lounging by the pool the other day when I noticed that my sun screen was better than what the old lady next to me was using. But I didn't say anything.

I didn't want to rub it in.

 * * * * * *

X Factor: The original Roman sun cream.

  * * * * * *

I applied for a job at a sun cream factory. I wasn't hired, but I'm going to reapply.

 * * * * * *

Two psychics meet on the street. One says “it sure is hot this summer”.

The other says, “Yes, it reminds me of the summer of 2019″.

 * * * * * *
“With school out, teens are looking for jobs, things like lifeguards. But L.A. public pools do not have lifeguards. We have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, ‘Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?’ Then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.” – Craig Ferguson

  * * * * * *

When summer comes, a lot of parents pack up their troubles. Then they send them off to summer camp.

 * * * * * * 
The NBA finals are over. But the players still can't go on vacation.

They’ll get called for traveling.

 * * * * * *
Several slices of bread went on summer vacation. They didn't do anything special. They just loafed around.

 * * * * * *
Charles: Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
Ray: Why?
Charles: To make up for his miserable summer.

Sunday Funnies 2016.06.12

While most of us are wondering how on Earth we ended up with a choice between Trump or hillary for our next president, one group is truly thankful that it's come to this - late night comedians.

“A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.” – Conan O’Brien

“Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear ‘no’, what she hears is, ‘Try again in eight years.'” – Stephen Colbert

“Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using ‘bad judgment’. Priebus said, ‘I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are ‘just words’ read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, ‘I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.'” – Jimmy Fallon

“A recent survey found that Donald Trump is polling very badly among Asian-Americans. After hearing this, Trump said, ‘That’s odd, I haven’t even gotten around to insulting them yet. I got great material on them.'” – Conan O’Brien

“Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as three grand, $300,000.” – Conan O’Brien

“A new poll shows that almost half of registered voters say they would consider a third-party candidate as an alternative to Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. A third-party candidate is a little bit like a Tinder date. You think to yourself, what have I got to lose? Can’t be worse than my ex.” – Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is ‘Stronger Together’. Which replaces her old slogan, ‘Goddammit, It’s My Turn!'” – Conan O’Brien

obama, to no one's surprise, endorsed hillary. Also to no one's surprise, he did so with a false and misleading statement.

Of course, obama's endorsement won't have any impact on the FBI investigation into hillary's use of a private e-mail server... (wink, wink).

Speaking of female leaders of democratic nations, remember Margaret Thatcher and Gloda Meir?

And speaking of hillary's liberal supporters...

Finally, speaking for the rest of us...

Sunday Funnies 2016.06.05

I spent most of last week around a bunch of horses. They are among the dumbest animals the Good Lord ever created...

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
A: A mechanic

Q: What did the horse say when it fell?
A: "I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

A pony goes to the doctor and tells him, “Doc, I think I’m dying. I have this terrible sore throat."

The doctor assures him, "It's okay—you’re just a little horse."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse says, “Buddy—you read my mind!”

Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?”

The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?”

The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

Here's what led to this post. Like I said, I spent the early part of this week up in the Wyoming mountains. Part of the time I was riding horses that hadn't been ridden since last summer - nine months ago. That's an eternity to a horse. They forget all their good habits and pick up a bunch of bad ones. And they do not like being reminded of things like saddles, riders, etc.

So there we were, riding peacefully along a little creek. There were a few small clumps of brush scattered alongside its banks. We'd ridden past several with no problem. Then we approached another one, no different than all the rest. We got up next to it and all of a sudden the lead horse spooked at it.

Well, when one horse spooks, they all do. I was next in line. My horse jumped backwards and sideways. I could handle one or the other, but the combination was a little too much. I ended up leaning way forward and to the left. In fact, I was so far off center that my head was next to the horse's head. I looked like one of those Indians in the old Westerns, leaning off to one side of his mount and firing under the horse's neck.

Still, I could have recovered, except the damn horse decided he didn't like riding cheek to cheek with me. So he started spinning to his right. That put me on the outside of the spin, with centrifugal force urging me away from the horse. I was holding onto the mane with one hand, gripping the reins with the other, and contracting my right leg with all my might to haul me back into the saddle. I think I would have made it, too, except for two things

First, my hamstring cramped. I don't mean I felt a twinge, or it got a little sore. I mean a full blown major cramp so bad that it felt like someone was hammering on it with a baseball bat.

Second, the saddle started to slip. Not much - just a little - but enough to move me even farther to the left, and more off-balance.

At that point I accepted the inevitable, pulled my feet from the stirrups, pushed myself away from the horse, and executed a pretty damn good PLF.

No major damage - just a few minor scrapes and a hamstring that remains tight and sore today (three days later) but is getting better.

The good news is that the horse didn't run off, but hung around to gloat. That made catching him easier, which made it possible to ride back to the barn instead of walking in.

I've jumped, fallen, and been thrown from a horse more than once. That's bad enough. But it's even worse when the damn horse runs back to the barn and you have to walk in. Not that anyone would laugh at you when you finally get there...

Sunday Funnies 2016.05.29

Politics and random comics...

* * * * * * * * * *

Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?
Because all his other wives support Hilary.

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan.

What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?
Hair Force One!

Donald Trump, today, officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he's one step closer to moving into the smallest house he's ever lived in.

* * * * * * * * * *

Q: How many Socialists does Bernie Sanders need to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it really gets screwed.

Q: What is the difference between a magician and Bernie Sanders?
A: The magician returns your wallet at the end of the performance.

Q. Why do all of Bernie Sanders' campaign rallies have to finish no later than 5:30?
A. Because Matlock comes on at 6:00.

With the nomination of Hillary Clinton becoming increasingly certain, the campaign donations to socialist candidate Bernie Sanders have slowed to a trickle. Bernie has finally come face-to-face with what it means to be a socialist: You eventually run out of other people's money.


* * * * * * * * * *

Why does Hillary prefer dogs to Bill Clinton?
A dog chases his own tail.

If elected, Hillary promised she would do the work of three men.
Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Apparently Monica Lewinsky won’t be voting for Hillary Clinton this election.
She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.

Hillary Clinton and the Pope are sharing a huge stage at a gathering in New York, where thousands of people have come to see them speak.


The Pope leans in to Hillary and says, “Did you know that with just one wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd ecstatic with joy?  The joy will not be temporary, but instead will go deep into their hearts and be remembered for the rest of their lives.”

Hillary, looking at the Pope with skepticism, says “If you can really do that, then show me.”

The Pope reaches out and backhands Hillary, knocking her off the stage. The crowd roars while the Pope looks down at Hillary and says, “I told you I could do it!”

* * * * * * * * * *

Sunday Funnies 2016.05.22

I apologize for the scatological source of these jokes, but when I ran across this website I found the jokes compelling funny. I hope you do as well.

Many more at the source...

* * *

How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

* * *

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today.
Should have put it on aloha setting.

* * *

A man on a tractor just drove past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”
I think it was Farmer Geddon.

* * *

I'm organizing a charity event for people that struggle to reach orgasm.
Let me know if you can’t come.

* * *
Why did the blind lady fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.

* * *

Me: Doctor you’ve got to help me, I’m addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don’t follow you.

* * *

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.

* * *

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
But my wife insists it says dyslexia.

* * *

Sunday Funnies 2016.05.15

Our kids are home from college for the summer - or at least for part of the summer. They'll be coming and going according to the demands of summer classes, internships, and of course, 'educational' weekend trips and outings. In fact, daughter dearest just left ... to attend a concert ... in Austin, which is about 80 miles NE of us. I shudder to think what she's learning there.

Anyway, you might be a college student:

If you have ever price shopped for Ramen noodles.
If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
If you have ever had to justify buying Natural Light.
If your trash can is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap.
If you get more sleep in class than in your room.
If you consider McDonald's "real food."
If you know the pizza delivery guy by name.
If your weekend begins Thursday afternoon and ends Monday morning.

You might be the parent of a college student if:

Your potted plants stay alive.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
You carry an umbrella.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
"I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
You don't get liquored up at home to save money before going to a bar.

Things I tell my college-age kids:

Don't major in astronomy. You'll just be taking up space.
Your grade in Marine Biology better be above sea-level.
Home is like college, except the lectures are free.

My wife treats the kids like royalty when they get home, especially when it comes to fixing their favorite foods...

... but they're in for a shock once they finally graduate.