Sunday Funnies 2014.08.17

Reducing the backlog...

An 80 year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
 
The next day the 80 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, but none of us could get the jar open.'

A dedicated golfer needed an operation on his arm. Just before he was put under, the Surgeon dropped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the Surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !!"

"Oh God, no !!" cries the man. "My golfing is over !! Please Doc, what's the good news ?"

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it, Doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and, a year later, the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the Surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the Surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."

"Unbelievable !!" said the Surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects ?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

Simple Truth 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

Simple Truth 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

 Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

 I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat down and talked with my wife for a few hours.

 She seems like a nice person.