Tis The Season

It's been a hectic few days, catching up on a long honey-do list that I let slid while I was out of town last semester (repairing the well pumphouse roof, wrapping pipes, replacing a garbage disposal, fixing the doorbell, resealing a toilet base -- in an 18-year-old's bathroom, whose aim leaves a lot to be desired -- doing some drywall touch-up and painting, cleaning carpets, etc. etc. etc.). Top that off with the usual seasonal activities, and a round of Christmas parties that seems to grow every year, and I've barely had time to squeeze in a couple of rounds of golf (I love living here - today we teed off at 9:30, and by the 6th hole were in short sleeves - sorry, you northerners).

Anyway, I just can't muster up the mindset or energy to comment on the two stories that dominate every media outlet - the shootings in CT and the fiscal cliff. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I'm worn down by the incessant bleating of ignorant, emotional bloviating windbags (see O'Brien, Soledad.). So today I'm going to borrow a theme from BMEWS and pass on a couple of other examples of liberal lunacy.

NJ governor Chris Christie -- former conservative, now darling of turncoats and liberals everywhere -- has signed a law regulating when and how people in that wretched state can fertilize their lawns.

According to New Jersey's fertilizer law, as of November 15 residents cannot apply fertilizers containing nitrogen or phosphorus to their lawns until next spring (March 1).

As if that's not bad enough, all 'lawn care professionals' have to pay extortion be certified in order to scatter around a bag of what politicians produce in abundance.

Please be advised that as of January 5, 2012, all lawn care professionals must be certified in order to apply fertilizer in New Jersey. Rutgers University is administering the online training and certification program. Online training information is available and lawn care professionals can register to take the test.

The fees to become certified or trained are as follows:

Certified Fertilizer Applicator:
$75 fee for the first year (training and testing)
$25 annual fee for the subsequent three years

Trained Fertilizer Applicator:
$25 annual fee

Banned in New Jersey

No word yet on how many Yard Police will be hired to enforce this nonsense.

A little farther north, our Canadian friends -- well, at least one of them -- has taken it upon herself to rewrite the Christmas classic "Twas the Night Before Christmas".

Why, you might ask yourself, does this timeless poem, which has served us so well for 189 years, need to be rewritten?

Because it contains two lines -- two friggin' lines -- referring to smoking.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

Santa spreading bad habits

In addition to removing those lines, the Canadian loon "added a letter from Santa on the back cover of the book explaining that the fur on his coat and pants is faux, out of respect for animals."

Lord give me strength ... or at least another Shiner...