Sunday, February 22, 2015

Sunday Funnies 2015.02.22

My wife is on my case about how I don't eat healthy. Here's my response.

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Health Food: any food whose flavor is indistinguishable from that of the package in which it is sold.

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A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

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A guy walks into a restaurant and the day's special was beef tongue. He says to the waitress, "I don't want anything that came out of an animal's mouth. I'll have two eggs instead."

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Here's an interview from a Japanese doctor who is an expert on healthy eating.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
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In other news, a recent survey revealed:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Old NFO said...

Snerk, love the Japanese Doctor's 'take'... :-)

CenTexTim said...

Ah so - honorable doctor-san is very wise man.

Bag Blog said...

Someone once told me that eating however many grapes was the same sugar intake as eating a Snickers bar. I love Snickers.

CenTexTim said...

Well, Snickers bare are made of chocolate, which comes from a vegetable... :-)