Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Politically Incorrect - And Damn Proud Of It

Yesterday I posted something about Marion Barry, disgraced former mayor of Washington D.C., who managed to offend (some) Polish-Americans while apologizing to Asian-Americans.

Today's post is about thin-skinned overly-sensitive cry-babies.
Marion Barry says he misspoke when he referred to the Polish community with the disparaging term "Polacks."

Barry was asked Thursday about racial tensions in the United States and he said: "The Irish caught hell, the Jews caught hell, the Polacks caught hell."

The word "Polack" is a (allegedly) derogatory term that describes people of Polish descent.

Gary Kenzer is the executive director of the Chicago-based Polish American Association. He has called on Barry to apologize to the Polish-American community.
I am an American of Polish descent. My father's family came here in the early 1900s. He's the only one of his family that was born here – the rest were born in 'the old country.' We can take care of ourselves, thank you. We don't need some whiny wimp named Kenzer speaking for us. (Kenzer - that's not even a real Polish name - where's the "ski"?)

We are proud of our Polish heritage, but we also love Polack jokes. My personal favorite:

Q: Why don't Polack women use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.

I like that one because it insults two groups of people -- Polacks, and women -- at the same time.

I don't know when people in this country lost the ability to laugh at themselves, but I rue that day. Ethnic groups, women, gays, left-handed redheads … no one seems to have a sense of humor anymore. To those who believe jokes targeting certain groups are offensive, I say lighten up.

Someone once said that an insult is like a drink; it only affects you if you accept it. So with that in mind here's a few politically incorrect jokes that are not intended to insult anyone, but which will probably piss off a bunch of folks.

Ask me if I care...
 * * * * * * * * * *
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

 * * * * * * * * * *

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. There is no way to prove that they are wrong.

But a year or so after giving birth a woman will often say “It would be nice to have another child”.

You never hear a guy say, “It would be nice to get kicked in the nuts again”.

 * * * * * * * * * *

Here's some for the ladies:
Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A: So men can be open minded.

 * * * * * * * * * *

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right.

When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

 * * * * * * * * * *

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

Now for the ethnic groups:
An American, a Dutchman and a Chinese are stranded after a shipwreck on an uninhabited island.

The American says: "I've been in the army for many years, I know how to survive. So if you guys don't mind, I'll give the orders". The Dutchman and Chinese find it very well. The American goes further: "Ok, each of us will will have to search for something. You, Chinese guy, take care of the supplies. Dutch guy, you take care of the food, and I'll take care of the wood. In two hours we'll meet back here." Everyone finds it a good plan and they go their own ways.

After two hours the American and the Dutchman are on the agreed spot. The Chinese is, however, nowhere in sight. They wait for a couple more hours and as the Chinese still doesn’t arrive, they get worried. They decide to search for him. Some hours later they have combed the complete island, but no Chinese found.

Thinking that he might have been eaten by a wild animal, they sadly decide to go back. Arriving at the spot, they sit down, looking despondently at their stuff, as suddenly the Chinese jumps from the shrubs and yells: "Supplies!!!"

* * * * * * * * * *

Q: What do you call a Mexican picking cotton?
A: Confused

* * * * * * * * * *

Q: A Mexican and a black man are in a car. Who's driving?
A: The cop.

* * * * * * * * * *

A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

"On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."

* * * * * * * * * *

Q: Why did the white guy cross the road?
A: To get away from the black guy coming toward him.

* * * * * * * * * *

Q: How do you stop four white guys from raping a woman?
A: Toss them a golf ball.

Q: What do nuns do when they want to have sex?
A: Dress up as an alter boy.

* * * * * * * * * *

Q: How do muslims practice safe sex?
A: They mark the camels that kick.

And finally, for the gays:
Q: How do you fit four homosexuals on one barstool?
A: Turn it upside-down.

* * * * * * * * * *

A straight guy walks into a bar, but once inside he realizes it's a gay bar. "But what the heck," he says, "I really want a drink."

When the waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?"

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies."

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.

The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer. "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?"

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer."

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

Did I leave anyone out?


Old NFO said...

LOL, love em all... Why are these no longer 'funny'??? Cause they aren't politically correct... sigh

Pascvaks said...

(((-; Great! ;-)))

Do you know any 'Lawyer' jokes?... What am I saying, I'll just change a few joke-butts above. Thanks Again!

CenTexTim said...

Glad y'all enjoyed them. You both must be non-PC old farts like me.

Here's a few lawyer jokes, just for fun.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Pascvaks said...

Now yer talkin'!

Q: What happens if you Tar'n Feather every lawyer in yer' State and run 'em across the State Line on a rail?

A: Nuttin'! Not a ding, dang thing!

Tanks! My old tummie need the exercise;-)

Toejam said...

I didn't see any good Irish Jokes. My wife was born and raised in Ireland so bring some on. I'll start off with a couple to get the ball rolling:

1) Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're having sex with your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even at home yesterday.

2) Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and my wife Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies, - I'll bloody take her with me this time! Paddy says to Mick,

CenTexTim said...

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Toejam said...


CTT those jokes are classics.

I told 'em to my wife (nee: Murphy). She was laughing, standing on the doorstep, as the ambulance took me away.

PS: I'm typing this one-handed while they apply a cast to my left arm.

CenTexTim said...

Mrs. Murphy-Toejam must have one helluva sense of humor to put up with you.