Sunday Funnies 2016.04.24

I spent a large chunk of yesterday helping a buddy with a home improvement project. I'm not much of a handyman, but I can lift and carry heavy objects...

Tool Definitions

Table Saw - a large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 

Skill Saw - a portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. 

Belt Sander - an electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Hose Cutter- used to make hoses too short - but only usually at one end. 

Hammer - a divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit. 

Pry Bar - best used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 25 cent part.

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“Honey!” screamed my husband from our bedroom, “you MUST check this out!"

“What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen.

“You’re not going to believe what I found when I was drilling a hole in the wall to hang that picture. I found a secret stash of bottles!”

Just then my I heard my daughter's voice hollering from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth in here! Who the hell is drilling a hole through the medicine cabinet!?”

 * * * * * * * * * *
A blonde wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She canvassed the neighborhood and finally found a man who needed his porch painted.

“How much will you charge me?” he asked.

“How about $50?” asked the blonde.

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. A short time late the blonde came to the door to collect.

“Are you finished already?” the husband asked. “Yes” the blonde replied, “and I had paint left over so gave it two coats–no extra charge.” Impressed. the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “It’s not a Porch—it’s a Lexus.”

 * * * * * * * * * *
While I was working at a lumberyard, a customer asked where we kept the two-by-fours. I directed him to the pile, and asked, "How long do you want them?"

"Quite a while!" was his reply. "I'm nailing them to a house."

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I just finished replacing our kitchen's old vinyl floor with ceramic tile. It turned out rather well, if I do say so myself.

We had a small unveiling party shortly afterwards. A guest commented, "I didn't know you knew how to do this kind of work." 

Modestly, I replied, "I learned by tile and error."

 * * * * * * * * * *
A proud father brought home a swing set he had just purchased for his children and immediately began to assemble it while all the neighborhood children anxiously waited to play on it.

After several hours of reading the assembly instructions and trying to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he gave up and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, tossed the directions away, and had the set completely assembled in a short period of time.

"It's beyond me," the father said, "how you managed to get it all put together without even reading the directions."

"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't read, you've got to think."

 * * * * * * * * * * A fellow was watching me work on the house. After a while I asked him what he found so interesting. He told me that I hammer like lightning.

I was psyched, until I realized that lightning never hits the same spot twice.

 * * * * * * * * * *
Top Ten Handyman Pick-Up Lines

10. Come to Home Depot often?

9. Need anything nailed?

8. I once installed a shampoo shelf for Fabio

7. I'm very good at tongue-and-groove work

6. I'm not really a handyman, I'm actually a TV star worth millions of dollars

5. Wanna get lathed?

4. Come over to `this old house' and help me get out of `these old pants'

3. Great spice rack!

2. You turn my two-by-four into a four-by-eight

1. It's tool time!