Sunday Funnies 2016.01.10

Congratulations to a recently retired veteran.

You know who you are...

Four retired Navy Chief's are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over the doorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize in this case, they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to be a fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'll be 40 cents, please."

The four Chiefs stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on that stuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."

The old Navy chief finally retired and got that chicken ranch he always wanted. He took with him his life-long pet parrot.

The first morning at 0430, the parrot squawked loudly and said, "Reveille, Reveille. Up all hands, Heave out, trice up! The smoking lamp is lit, now Reveille!"

The old chief told the parrot, "We are no longer in the Navy. Go back to sleep."

The next morning, the parrot did the same thing.

Chief told the parrot, "If you keep this up, I'll put your feathered ass out in the chicken pen."

Again the parrot did it, and true to his word, the Chief put the parrot in the chicken pen.

About 0630 the next morning, the Chief was awakened by one heck of a ruckus in the chicken pen. He went out to see what was the matter.

The parrot had about 40 white chickens at attention -- in formation. On the ground lay three bruised and beaten brown chickens. The parrot was saying, "By God, when I say fall out in dress whites, I don't mean khakis!"

The Army found it had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. Any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement was promised a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzled old First Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received.

But the old soldier insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the First Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Afghanistan."

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, General."