Sunday Funnies 2014.05.18

Yesterday was Armed Forces Day. Today is Make Fun of the Armed Forces Day.

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.

During one such conflict, a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, got on the horn to legendary Marine General Chesty Puller, to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" asked Puller.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

General Puller asked for another count.... and got a similar, anxious answer: "Many, many, MANY Chinese!"

" %* # ! dammit ! " swore Puller, "Put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

In a minute, an American voice came over the air: "Yes sir ! ! ?"

"Lieutenant," growled Chesty, "exactly how many Chinese you got up there ?"

"General, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"

"Thank God." exclaimed Puller, "At least there's someone up there who knows how to count."

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female Air Force crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan’ .

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right?  Is the captain a woman ? '  

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.' 

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member,

'We no longer call it 'The Cockpit.'  It's now 'The Box Office.'

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.

But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “It's odd, though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, ‘Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?’

The Army - Then & Now

1945 - NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
2014 - Everyone has an internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945 - you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
2014 - you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you're out of ammo.

1945 - canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
2014 - canteens are made of plastic, you can't heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic.

1945 - if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO Club.
2014 - the beer will cost you $3.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945 - we called the enemy names like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
2014 - we call the enemy the "opposing force" or "aggressor" because we don't want to offend them.

1945 - victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken.
2014 - victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

As a crowded airliner is about to take-off, the peace is suddenly shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an older man in the uniform of a Coast Guard Chief begins to make his way up the aisle. Stopping the frustrated mother's upraised hand, the white haired, courtly, soft-spoken Chief leans down and, motioning toward his collar, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the Chief slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me Chief", she asks quietly, "could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The Chief smiled serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my anchors, service stripes, and battle ribbons, and then explained to him that they entitled me to throw one passenger out of the plane."