Sunday Funnies 2014.05.04

No theme today - just cleaning out the in-box...



Husband’s Message (by cellphone):

“Honey,  I got hit by a car outside of the office.  Paula brought me to the hospital. They have been running tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.“

Wife’’s Response:

“Who is Paula?"

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but there's nothing they can do about it.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night,,,

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. It turns out she's been reading "50 Shades of Grey"...

On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, here I am"


Today's word is.................. Fluctuations.

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.  There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.  It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change?  Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.  Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

In the wake of the Donald Sterling brouhaha, here's what Dallas Cowboy fans are thinking:

Say what you will about Harry Reid, but you've got to give him credit for being a master of political spin:

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: "Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid

Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: 

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Now that's how political spin is done!