A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, "Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain."
(Think about it...)
An avid golfer found himself in Africa with time to play. He asked at his hotel for the nearest golf course, was put in a cab, and spent two hours being driven deeper and deeper into the jungle until he arrived at a course.
He checked in with the pro and asked to rent some equipment and, since he'd never played the course before, for a caddie. In a few minutes, he was escorted to the first tee, where his caddie was waiting with a bagful of clubs under one arm and a rifle under the other.
The golfer was taken aback, but composed himself and hit a good drive down the fairway of the opening hole, a tough par four. As they were walking to his ball, a tiger sprang out of the rough and charged the golfer.
Without missing a beat, the caddie dropped the bag, aimed his rifle, and shot the animal dead.
Again, the golfer had to compose himself, taking a minute to catch his breath. But he quickly recovered, hit a good approach, and parred the hole.
The same thing happened on the second hole, a long, twisting par five. But this time it was a lion that bolted out of the jungle, charged the golfer, and was dropped by a single shot from the caddie's rifle.
By now the golfer was visibly shaken, but the caddie looked unflappable -- and obviously was a good shot -- so they played on.
The third hole was an easy par three surrounded by water. The golfer hit a good short iron, which landed near the cup. As he was walking onto the green, a crocodile slid out of the water and began moving toward him.
Unfazed, the golfer looked to his caddie for help. But the caddie stood motionless. The crocodile moved closer, and the golfer, beginning to get upset, again glanced at the caddie, who didn't move.
Finally, with the crocodile just inches away, the golfer screamed, "Aren't you going to do something?"
The caddie looked at the scorecard and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you don't get a shot on this hole."
It was a beautiful sunny day on the golf course. The gentleman took aim on the ball and drove his first shot deep into a wooded area. He sighed and proceeded to the area where the ball had gone into the woods.
As he was looking around for his ball, he heard a voice calling to him. He whirled around and there stood a very ugly witch. She had his golf ball and explained to him that it had hit her in the head. She was not very pleased about this, but went on to explain that she had little contact with the outside world and when she did have an encounter, she considered it a special occasion.
The witch said that she had magical powers and would grant the man one wish. However, when the wish was granted, the man would notice a tremendous decrease in his sexual desire and ability to perform. The man thought about this for a few minutes and then stated that he would agree to those conditions.
The witch asked what his wish was and the man simply stated, "I want my golf game to improve.'"
The witch rocked back on her heels and stared at the man. After a few minutes she said, "Is that all?"
He said, "Yes, that's it".
The witch said, "Are you telling me that is all you want, when you could have anything in this world?" The man looked her in straight in the eyes and said, "Yes."
Two years later, on another beautiful day, the man is at the same golf course and drives a tee shot into the woods. The man starts shaking because he had not hooked or sliced a shot since the day he had encountered the witch. He went into the woods and there stood the witch. She looked at him and said, "I made your shot go bad because I wanted to talk to you."
The man was visibly relieved when he heard this and asked what she wanted. The witch wanted to know if he had any regrets about his wish.
The man said, "Well, things couldn't be better with my golf game. I've won every major tournament on the amateur circuit and I'll soon be on the PGA tour. As far as my sex life, I have only had six encounters in 2 years."
"Hasn't that bothered you?,'' asked the witch.
The man said, "No, I'm alright''.
The witch said, "Well, I'm glad it all worked out, although there is nothing you or I can do about it now - the spell that was cast can never be changed."
With that, they parted company. On his way out to the fairway, the man said to himself, "The PGA Tour and sex three times a year - not bad for a small parish priest".
2 comments:
And all pretty much true... especially the last one!!! LOL
Yeah, but it's fun to practice...
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