You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up

Man In Crotchless Spandex Outfit Sets Fire, Tries To Cook His Own “Weenie” In City Park

Seattle police sent a man to Harborview for a mental evaluation after a bizarre arson incident at a downtown Seattle park early Wednesday morning.

Police and firefighters were called to Prefontaine Place Park at 3rd and Yesler just before 12:30 am September 7th.

When police arrived, they found a man wearing “crotchless chaps-style spandex with his genitals and buttocks showing,” a police report says.

The man had lit a fire in the fountain—which has been broken and empty for several years, according to a Parks Department spokeswoman—and was ”straddling the fire, letting the flames hit his genitals and buttocks.”

One officer heard the man say ”we are having a weenie roast” as he thrust his hips back and forth over the flame. Mostly, though, the report notes that the man was mumbling incoherently.

Firefighters arrived on scene and doused the fire. Police then had the man involuntarily committed at Harborview.

I expect this sort of thing to happen in San Francisco, but I thought Seattle people were a little more normal. Wrong again...

Meanwhile, in Bill and Hillary Clinton's home state:

Arkansas Weatherman Wakes Up in Bathtub With Corpse

An Arkansas weatherman woke up in a bathtub with a dead body this week after an evening of alcohol and drugs, according to a police report. The meteorologist’s friend Dexter Williams, 24, was found dead, wearing nothing but a dog collar.

Brett Cummins, 33, is a meteorologist for KARK, the NBC affiliate in Little Rock, Ark. On Sunday, Cummins’ friend Christopher Barbour, 36, invited Cummins to his house in Maumelle. Cummins arrived at 8 p.m. with his friend Williams.

According to a police report Barbour said the trio “began to drink and use illegal narcotics.”

“Mr. Barbour stated that he was not sure of the drugs that they were using but that they were snorting them,” Officer Gergory Roussie wrote in his report of the scene. He also said that they consumed alcohol in a hot tub.

Barbour said that around 11 p.m., he left the other two men in the jacuzzi and went to sleep on the couch. When he woke up at 8 a.m. the next morning, he found his bed still made and the two men in a bathtub with no water in it. Barbour began to clean up glassware from the previous night and woke Cummins up.

They quickly realized that Williams was unconscious and looked discolored. “Brett screamed and became ill and left the bathroom and vomited on the carpet in the living room,” Roussie wrote in the police report. Cummins left the house but eventually came back to give a police statement.

The men called the police, who arrived shortly after. Officer Roussie entered the bathroom and saw a naked, white male in the bathtub.

“The subject was lying on his right side in a fetal position, his face was blue and purple in color with a chain around his neck,” Roussie wrote. He also wrote that he believed the chain was a dog collar and that he “observed a small ring of blood around the bottom of the tub.”

Neighbors noticed the party on Sunday night but were shocked to hear about the mysterious death.

“We were a little bit concerned yesterday when we saw all the commotion up here,” neighbor Kay Jenkins told ABC’s Little Rock affiliate KATV. “I would’ve never suspected anything like that to take place.”

This being Arkansas, I'm surprised the dead guy wasn't the weatherman's cousin...