Sunday, May 24, 2015

Sunday Funnies - Memorial Day Edition

In honor of Memorial Day...

When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature.

Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.”

Our drill instructor was at the end of his rope: A recruit's ineptitude was driving him crazy. Getting in the young man's face, he demanded, “Whoever told you to join the Army?!”

Snapping to attention, the recruit proclaimed, “The Navy recruiter, Sir.”

I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

"What letters?" I answered slyly.

"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

A young lady had been secretly dating for several months, and it was time to break the news to her very protective father. Her mother thought he’d take it better if she explained to him that her boyfriend was a Marine who had just returned from Iraq. This pleased Dad immensely.

"A Marine? Good!" he said. "That means he can take orders."

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, a Marine husband called home one evening to tell his wife that he would be home late. "Dirty magazines were discovered in the platoon quarters," he said, "and the whole squad is being disciplined."

The wife launched into a tirade, arguing that grown men should not be penalized for something so trivial as a few Playboys.

The husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said ‘dirty magazines,’ I meant the clips from their rifles hadn’t been cleaned."

After joining the Navy, I underwent a physical. During the exam, it was discovered that, due to an abnormality, I couldn’t fully extend my arms above my head. Perplexed, the doctor conferred with another doctor.

"Let him pass," suggested the second doctor. "I don’t see any problems unless he has to surrender."

As he reviewed pilot crash reports, the Air Force safety officer stumbled upon this understated entry:

"After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control."