Sunday, May 3, 2015

Sunday Funnies 2015.05.03

I am happily married.

I am happily married.

I am happily married.

Marriage is like the IKEA of relationships. Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together, and difficult to exit.

Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out.

Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Marriage is like waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park. You spend 99% of the time pissed off for 1% of intense pleasure.

Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.

Marriage is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat.

Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.

Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.

Marriage is like a beanbag; comfortable for a while then bloody difficult to get out of.

Three women - one engaged, one married and one a mistress - are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

A young lady visited a matchmaker and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"

The matchmaker said, "Your requirements, please."

"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The matchmaker listened carefully and replied,"I understand. You need a television."

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?

A: They are hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time!


Old NFO said...

AH yes, love them... And pretty much ALL true too!

Bear said...

You're not exactly inspiring me to make the jump....

Well Seasoned Fool said...

Been there, done that, can't afford the T-shirt now.

CenTexTim said...

NFO - We laugh to keep from crying...

Bear - Getting married is a male rite of passage. Every guy needs o do it at least once.

WSF - I've got a whole collection of those damn t-shirts.