Sunday Funnies 2015.12.20

Only a few more days ... Christmas will be here before you know it!

It was a few days before Christmas and Clarence Johnson was ready to travel. The airport was decorated with tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared irritating elevator renditions of well known Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, Clarence was not in a particularly good mood. Going to check his luggage, he saw some mistletoe hanging over the ticket counter. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap imitation with red paint on the rounder parts and green paint on the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of annoyance and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the ticket agent, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a gross mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is hanging," replied the agent.

"Okay, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss," responded Clarence.

The agent answered, "That's not why it's there."

"Okay, I give up," muttered the annoyed man. "Then why is it there?"

To which the attendant replied, "It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza.

The salesgirl asked him, "Do you want your usual?  Deep pan, crisp and even?"

American intelligence has discovered that ISIS is planning Christmas attacks in the U.S.

The obama administration immediately sprang into action and told ISIS, "Hey, you cannot call them Christmas attacks. You have to call them holiday attacks."

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field.

A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Peter to Joe, "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

Q: Why is Christmas like just another day at work?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Last but not least, an oldie, but a goodie:

Why wasn't Jesus born in Washington D.C.?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

As if we needed another reason to look forward to Christmas, this year we get to experience a rare event (no joke).

Ho Ho Ho!