Sunday, September 20, 2015

Sunday Funnies 2015.09.19

Yesterday was International Talk Like A Pirate Day (arrrgh, me hearties!). In honor of the occasion, let's splice the mainbrace and have a few laughs...

Top Ten Pirate Pickup Lines
10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9.  Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8.  Come on up and see me urchins.

7.  Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6.  I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5.  That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.

4.  How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3.  Wanna shiver me timbers?

2.  Well blow me down.

1.  Prepare to be boarded.
Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates
10. What are YOU doing here?

9.  Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye just glad to see me?

8.  Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

7.  So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"

6.  That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!

5.  Let's get together and haul some keel.

4.  I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!

3.  C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!


1.  You. Pants Off. Now!

Q:  "What's the pirate movie rated?"
A"  "Arrr!"

Q:  "What kind o' socks does a pirate wear?"
A:  "Arrrrgyle!"

Q:  "What's the problem with the way a pirate speaks?"
A:  "Arrrrticulation!"

Q:  "How do pirates know that they are pirates?"
A:  "They think, therefore they ARRRR!!!"

Q:  "Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?"
A:  "Because they can spend years at C"

A pirate walks into the bar with a ships wheel attached to the front of his trousers. The bartender asks, "What the hell is that ships wheel for?"

The pirate says, "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

A little boy is trick or treating on Halloween by himself. He is dressed as a pirate. At one house, a friendly man asks him, "Where are your buccaneers?"

The little boy responds, "On either side of me 'buccan' head!"

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some rum.

The bartender asks, "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"

"Arrr..." says the pirate. "I've got a bounty on me head!"


Well Seasoned Fool said...


Old NFO said...

ROTF, good ones! :-)

Charlie Mitchell said...

Brings a tear to me one good eye.

CenTexTim said...

Since you all liked them so much, here's one more, inspired by Charlie and his one good eye...

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shit!"

"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet."