Sunday Funnies 2015.03.29

No theme today. Just random stuff.

Russ and Fred, two friends, played golf together every morning. They'd been doing so for years.

One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the golf course, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred went down to the practice range, and -- lo and behold -- there was Russ.

Fred was very excited and happy to see him. Then he said, 'For crying out loud, Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Fred. 'Whatever in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde drink cart driver?'

'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me. At age 79, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Bob, a 65 year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up one Saturday afternoon at the Country Club with a gorgeous breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde woman who hangs all over Bob and listens intently to his every word.

The young woman knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She laughs and giggles, every now and then she tells Bob, "I love you so much!"

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my new wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade a knock out like her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?" One friend asks.

"Hell no!" Bob replies, then smiles and says, "I told her I was 90."

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.

Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes sir. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes sir, you seem to be short one ear."

The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. " Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, sir. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f@$#*n ear!"