Sick, Sick People

I've spent much of the day grading end-of-semester projects, a sometimes gratifying, sometimes depressing exercise. Today was depressing.

It appears that, despite my best efforts, the students actually got dumber rather than smarter over the past three months. I guess all that Four Loko is killing off their brain cells faster than I can educate them.

Anyway, I took a break and indulged in some Internet bottom-feeding. I eventually ended up at The Smoking Gun and without even trying confirmed that there are some sick, sick people out there.

Walmart Pleasure Seeker Barred From Retail Giant

The Florida man arrested after he was caught masturbating in the toy aisle of a Walmart with the aid of a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue has cut a plea deal that bars him from future visits to the retail giant “or any store where children’s toys are sold,” court records show.

The deal spares Black, who spent a month in custody following his September 14 arrest, further jail time. The conviction, though, will likely have a negative impact on Black’s career as a substitute teacher. 

Gee, ya think?

When confronted by cops, Black admitted that he had been masturbating in the store’s toy aisle, claiming that he was driven to the lewd act after he spotted “some pretty girls which made him aroused.” He told officers that he “grabbed a magazine and then found a back aisle and began to masturbate until he relieved himself on the floor.”

The magazine he selected was the 2010 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue featuring model Brooklyn Decker on its cover.

Well, I can't fault him for his taste.

A Walmart worker told investigators that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor.” He then “discarded the magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store,” employees reported. The defiled toy was a lightsaber (apparently of the "Star Wars" variety), according to a law enforcement source.

Is there any other kind of light saber besides the Star Wars variety?

Black--who claimed he was shopping for a toy for his daughter--assured arresting officers that, “I swear I’m not a pervert.”

Yeah, and I'm often mistaken for a young Sean Connery.

As if defiling a Star Wars light saber wasn't bad enough, another prev evidently prefers Harry Potter.

Man Arrested For Pleasuring Self During New "Harry Potter" Movie

What kind of a guy exposes himself and touches his genitals during a screening of the new Harry Potter movie?

Meet Alexander Ofner.

The South Carolina man, 39, was arrested yesterday afternoon at Sea Turtle Cinemas after Bluffton Police Department officers responded to a 911 call about Ofner’s alleged indecent exposure. Using the projection booth as an observation post (as “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” unspooled nearby), cops spotted Ofner in the act, according to police.

Ofner, seated in the theater’s back row, was then arrested for his alleged X-rated behavior during the PG-13 movie. He was booked into the Beaufort County Detention Center

Our 14 year old daughter went to see “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.” Her review was pretty negative, even without the 'special added attraction.'

And just to prove that it's not only men that can get out of hand (so to speak...), we have a young lady who became so distraught because her boyfriend spurned her amorous advances that she stabbed him.

"Not Tonight, Honey" Bust

Early Saturday morning, the 19-year-old Louisiana woman wanted some sex from her boyfriend. But Todd Stewart, 35, was apparently not in the mood. In fact, he tried to push Phillips off of him in the bedroom of the pair's West Monroe home. That much the couple can agree upon, according to Ouachita Parish Sheriff's Office reports. 

19 year old girlfriend, 35 year old boyfriend. That's a big indicator of some serious issues right there.

Phillips claims Stewart became violent after rebuffing her advances. Stewart told an investigator that he left the bedroom to sleep on a living room couch, but that Phillips 'would not leave him alone.' 

Happened to me all the time in my younger days...

At some point, he added, things got physical and he was stabbed in the lower lip with 'a long metal object which appeared to be a knife.'

For her part, the frisky Phillips acknowledged to Deputy Shane Smith that she struck Stewart, but said it was done 'to protect herself.'

Phillips was charged with aggravated battery, while a bloody Stewart was charged with simple battery.

It's a sad state of affairs when items like this are more interesting, and better written, than my students' best efforts.

Sigh...