The Most Useless Article Ever Written

Somebody spent a considerable amount of time researching and writing this article. The good folks at Yahoo sent several billion electrons to their digital deaths publishing it. For some twisted reason I wasted valuable time and braincells reading it. All this hoopla over an article that tells us what to do with leftover beer.

Who the hell ever has leftover beer?

14 Ingenious Things To Do With Leftover Beer

Did you know beer is a truly multipurpose instrument aside from just drinking it like you did on New Years Eve? Got some laying around the house now that you just can’t bear to drink?

Say what? Who the heck can't bear to drink beer? Perhaps some limp-wristed panty-waisted liberal weenie who wouldn't know what to do with a beer, ax, or gun, but definitely not a real man.

Anyway...

Here’s 14 ideas to incorporate more beer into your life and use it in ways that don’t involve a frosted glass or funnel.

Loser...

1. Marinate your beef

Making a beer marinade for your beef is a delicious way to add another layer of flavor, and meanwhile it destroys some of the bad chemicals that might form on the meat while it’s cooked on a grill. It’s a win win.

Okay, I sometimes use beer as a marinade. I also use it at times as an ingredient in the dish itself, especially stews. But it's never leftover beer. In fact, it's just the opposite. The beer comes from a bottle freshly opened. After all, any proper chef will always tell you to use the freshest ingredients possible. If the entire bottle isn't needed (and it almost never is ... wink, wink) the remainder doesn't go to waste. It is poured into the cook.

 2. Wash your hair

Mix in a little distilled water and your favorite scented oil, and voila — you’ve got a rinse that will leave your dull, dry hair shiny and hydrated.

N/A - I'm bald.

3. Control backyard pests

Leaving shallow dishes of beer near your plants is an organic way to intoxicate pesky yard dwellers and leave them vulnerable to the birds.

"Pesky yard dwellers" - like our dogs? Those furry little drunks would hoover up any suds that I poured out, and come back for more.

4. Polish your pots

Let your pots soak in beer. Then give them a good polish to see them shine like new.

I have a better idea. Tell your wife to polish the pots. (Not to worry. My wife never reads this blog ... thank God!)

5. Use it to sleep

Not by drinking so much that you pass out. Instead, wash your pillowcase with water that has a splash of beer in it, and let the scent of hops sooth you to sleep.

The scent of beer pretty much permeates everything in my house. I don't need to wash stuff in it as well.

6. Ice a sore muscle

Cold beer cans were practically made for icing muscles. Instead of dealing with melting ice next time you pull a hamstring, grab two cold ones — one for drinking and one for icing.

This one's on the right track, but here's what I would do. Grab a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and slap that on the sore muscle. Then drink both beers. Better yet, don't do anything that might result in sore muscles.

7. Take a bubble bath

Mix your favorite beer with some olive-oil based soap, and proceed like a normal bubble bath. The longer you soak, the softer and smoother your skin will feel afterward.

And the more you'll smell like Barney from The Simpsons.

8. Bake your own bread

Beer and bread were practically made for each other. They have the same basic ingredients, and the yeast found in beer acts as a catalyst for the bread to rise. While the alcohol unfortunately gets baked away, you can still taste the hoppy flavor.

This one makes sense. Like I always say, "Beer is food."

9. Brighten up your lawn

Sprinkling flat beer around your lawn sounds like a good way to kill your grass, but it actually cures it. The fermented sugars are good for growth and the acid kills off anything bad that might be growing there.

Notice it says "flat beer." How does beer get flat? By sitting around after it's opened. Which is a waste of perfectly good beer when there are stores full of lawn and garden products that'll do the same thing without all that tragic waste.

10. Loosen rusty bolts

The bubbles in beer will help to combat rust on old hardware. Pour on some beer, let it soak and watch your rusty bolts unscrew with ease.

Or use WD-40 or penetrating oil instead, and drink a beer while waiting for it to work.

11. Make BBQ sauce

If you’re going for BBQ over a marinated grill, you can still amp up your sauce with beer. If you use an imperial stout, the flavor of the beer in the sauce perfectly compliments the smoky flavors of the BBQ itself. Yum.

No argument here, other than I doubt that making the sauce will require an entire bottle. For further comments see #1.

12. Clean your jewelry

Just like you’d clean your pots for a brand new shine, let your gold jewelry soak in beer then give it a good polish.

I don't do bling.

13. Get rid of stains

The carbonation in beer can help remove stains, just like club soda. If you’re at a party and you spill some red wine on the rug, grab the nearest beer and start rubbing. Make sure you clean out the beer smell after the stain’s gone, though.

Why not just use club soda? No beer smell to worry about, and nobody cares if there's leftover club soda.

14. Beer can chicken

This dish is great because it requires you to drink beer before you begin. Open a beer, gulp down about half of it, then cook the chicken upright on a grill with the beer can in it. After a while, the chicken will be moist and full of flavor.

Finally, one idea that makes sense!