Sunday Funnies 2016.03.06

My wife was on the rampage last night about something ... I have no idea what.

Maybe it was one of these jokes.

Larry gets home late one night and Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'

Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'

'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.

'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on your privates?'

Larry responded, 'Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.'

'And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks any time you want.'

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the local hospital.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

Marriage is spending the rest of you life with someone you want to kill and not doing it because you'd miss them.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

I’ve been happily married for ten whole years. And ten out of thirty isn’t bad.

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."