Quick Hits

For your browsing pleasure:

As if we didn't have enough to worry about, what with three kinetic military actions wars going on simultaneously, a national credit downgrade, a free-falling stock market, de facto amnesty for undocumented democrats illegal aliens, and much, much more, now we have to worry about space aliens destroying humanity.

Rising greenhouse emissions could tip off aliens that we are a rapidly expanding threat, warns a report

... reducing our emissions might just save humanity from a pre-emptive alien attack, scientists claim.

Watching from afar, extraterrestrial beings might view changes in Earth's atmosphere as symptomatic of a civilisation growing out of control – and take drastic action to keep us from becoming a more serious threat, the researchers explain.

 "A preemptive strike would be particularly likely in the early phases of our expansion because a civilisation may become increasingly difficult to destroy as it continues to expand. Humanity may just now be entering the period in which its rapid civilisational expansion could be detected by an ETI because our expansion is changing the composition of the Earth's atmosphere, via greenhouse gas emissions," the report states.

"Green" aliens might object to the environmental damage humans have caused on Earth and wipe us out to save the planet. "These scenarios give us reason to limit our growth and reduce our impact on global ecosystems. It would be particularly important for us to limit our emissions of greenhouse gases, since atmospheric composition can be observed from other planets," the authors write.

Okaaayyyy...


From one extreme to the other, we have a different, but no less worrying, threat - cleavage wrinkles.

Back when Lisa Barr wore a size 34B bra, she didn’t know from cleavage wrinkles. But soon after she got breast implants in 1999, augmenting her measurements to a 36C, she started waking up with thick lines on her chest where one breast had fallen against the other as she slept on her side.

Cleavage wrinkles are deep, vertical creases caused by hours spent sleeping on one’s side, where gravity forces the top breast to bend farther past the body’s midline than it should. The lines can also be caused by sports and push-up bras, which smush the breasts together and are often worn for hours.

Once the collagen in skin breaks down from age and sun exposure, those wrinkles tend to linger. And thanks to gravity, the generously endowed — whether naturally or surgically — tend to be more afflicted.

“Few people would notice it,” (one woman) said of her cleavage wrinkles. “But I’m very conscious of nipping things in the bud.”

Insert your own joke here.


Finally, in the category of divine retribution, we have a group of pissed-off monks asking God to, in a manner of speaking, smite a thief.

A group of Franciscan monks are furious over two recent thefts of rare and expensive bibles from the lectern of their 15th century church in Florence, Italy. So they took action, pinning up a note for their congregation in which they expressed hope that the thief would see the error in his ways and return the bibles. Should he not, however, they added: 

“We pray to God that the thief is struck by a strong bout of the shits.”

Approached for comment by a local paper, one of the monks explained:

“It is not exactly clean language, but we couldn’t put up with it any longer. The Lord and the faithful will understand.”

Hell hath no fury like a friar scorned...