Sunday Funnies 2015.06.14

What did you expect, after this weekend's snake encounter?

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”.

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed. Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

Q: What kind of snake is good at math?
A: An adder.

Q: What do you get if you cross a snake and a Lego set?
A: A boa constructor!

Q: What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A: A boar constrictor!

Q: What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A: A feather boa!

Q: What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A: A snake in the brass!

Q: What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A: A civil serpent

Q: Why did the snake's wife file for divorce?
A: Reptile Disfunction.

Q: How do you measure a snake?
A: In inches. They don't have any feet!

A man and his pet snake walk into a bar.

It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."

So the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my snake."

The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the snake falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave. The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."

To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a snake."

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a snake sitting next to him.

"Are you a snake?" asked the man, surprised.

"Yes."

"What are you doing at the movies?"

The snake replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my, said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be a member of congress."